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Back around 1969 a Russian and an American were discussing political freedom in their respective countries:
The American says " In the US I could go up to the Whitehouse and knock until somebody answers. Then, I could tell them that Richard Nixon was a no good two faced crook."
The Russian says that it was similar in the USSR: "I can go up to the door at the Kremlin and knock until somebody answers. Then, I could tell them that Richard Nixon was a no good two faced crook."
Nice one Tom ;)
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
/:D
It would be funny if it werent so true... :cry:Quote:
Originally Posted by che_rish
This is so bad that I expect to be banned from placing another joke in this forum again... So you have been warned... ;)
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
I am soooo sorry to unleash that to the outside world... I am now a troubled man... :cry:
John
A man in Berlin took his car to the shop to be repaired in the early 60's. The next morning the Berlin wall was erected between him and his car. When the wall fell 30 years later, he called the repair shop on the odd chance they still had his car. The good news was they did still have the car. The bad news was it wouldn't be ready until next Thursday.
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers
have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels
be placed immediately on all containers:
Warnings:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 in the morning.
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your *** kicked.
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning
and see something really scary.
The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space
continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck happened to your bra.
The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
What woman want in a Man?
What Women Want in a Man, Original List (age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
======================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
======================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
======================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
======================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
======================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
How many lawyers does it take to change a...
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
“Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spill-over illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part.”
I wrote it wrong, you're right... I meant Women = time & money... the * to come in later... it's a good thing I have a math degree... dugh!Quote:
Originally Posted by whaTHell
A drunken man walks into a
biker
bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees
three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the
table,
leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I
went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck
naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and
doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight
at
the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got
it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The
biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still
says
nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll
tell
you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point the
biker
stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the
eyes
and says, "Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk
Nice one, Hannes... i give it: three stars. *** :D
If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines
UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.
Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on...
Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.
Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.
Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.
Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"
/ got somewhere from net
Windows Error Codes Unveiled!
WindowError:001 Windows loaded. System in danger
WindowError:002 No error . . . yet.
WindowError:003 Dynamic linking error. Your mistake is now in every file.
WindowError:004 Erronious error. Nothing wrong.
WindowError:005 Multitasking attempted. System confused
WindowError:006 Malicious error. Desqview found on drive.
WindowError:007 System price error. Inadequate money spent.
WindowError:008 Broken window. Watch for glass fragments.
WindowError:009 Horrible bug encountered. God knows what has happened.
WindowError:00A Promotional literature overflow. Mailbox full.
WindowError:00B Inadequate disk space. Need 50 meg minimum.
WindowError:00C Memory hog error. More RAM needed. More! More!
WindowError:00D Window closed. Do not look out.
WindowError:00E Window open, do not look in.
WindowError:00F Unexplained error. Please tell us how it happened.
WindowError:010 Reserved for future mistakes
WindowError:014 Nonexistent error. This cannot really be happening.
WindowError:015 Unable to exit windows. Try the door.
WindowError:017 Keyboard locked. Try anything you can think of.
WindowError:018 Unrecoverable error. System destroyed.
WindowError:019 User error. It's not our fault. Is not! Is not!
WindowError:01A Operating system overwritten. Terribly sorry.
WindowError:01B Illegal error. Do not get this error.
WindowError:01C Uncertainty error. Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WindowError:01D Unable to figure out our own code. System crashed.
WindowError:01E Timing error. Please wait. And wait. And wait.
WindowError:01F Reserved for future mistakes
WindowError:020 Error recording error codes. Remaining errors lost.
Remember when.......
A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show
A window was something you hated to clean....
And RAM was the cousin of a goat.....
MEG was the name of my girlfriend
And GIG was your middle finger upright
Now they all mean different things
And that really MEGA bytes
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
You hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead
Mutant Marsupials Take Up Arms Against Australian Air Force
The reuse of some object-oriented code has caused tactical headaches for Australia's armed forces. As virtual reality simulators assume larger roles in helicopter combat training, programmers have gone to great lengths to increase the realism of their scenarios, including detailed landscapes and in the case of the Northern Territory's Operation Phoenix herds of kangaroos (since disturbed animals might well give away a helicopter's position).
The head of the Defense Science & Technology Organization's Land Operations/Simulation division reportedly instructed developers to model the local marsupials' movements and reactions to helicopters. Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some code originally used to model infantry detachment reactions under the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures' speed of movement.
Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting American pilots, the hotshot Aussies "buzzed" the virtual kangaroos in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos scattered, as predicted, and the visiting Americans nodded appreciatively... then did a double-take as the kangaroos reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. (Apparently the programmers had forgotten to remove that part of the infantry coding.)
The lesson?
Objects are defined with certain attributes, and any new object defined in terms of an old one inherits all the attributes. The embarrassed programmers had learned to be careful when reusing object-oriented code, and the Yanks left with a newfound respect for Australian wildlife. Simulator supervisors report that pilots from that point onward have strictly avoided kangaroos, just as they were meant to.
Nice poem, Ejaz! :thumb: I give it: four stars!! ****
Thanx!
Warning: You have reached the end of your quota for the day. Please wait for a 24 hour period before giving.Quote:
Originally Posted by che_rish
There is no way that I can top Ejaz's last posts... way to go Ejaz, they were great!
Anyway, here's my penny's worth...
Two pieces of Tarmac walk into a bar and order a beer. Upon ordering, they see another piece of Tarmac sitting on his own in a corner but they choose to ignore him and they proceed to a table of their own to drink their beers.
A while later, a barman walks up to the two pieces of Tarmac and asks:
'How come you're not sitting with the Tarmac in the corner?'
Tarmac replies 'We're not sitting next to him.... he's a complete cycle path!'
I thanken yew! :D
His last post was "Thanx!" :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Vaderman
Good one.Quote:
Originally Posted by Vaderman
:lmao: ... :lol: ...Quote:
Originally Posted by Ejaz
I think this error codes can be commecialized...the users will appreciate them..or just kill themselves..:DQuote:
Originally Posted by Ejaz
This jokes not mine, and maybe they was published before here. I just cant read all this thread it`s huge but wonderfull
here thye are
I have took them from GNU.orgCode:
You Might Be A Programmer If:
1. You immediately complain that this should be subscripted as zero.
2. Most people say "Go To ****," but you tell people to redirect to
/dev/null.
3. By the time you've gotten here in the document, you've run Tidy
or a similar app to check my X/HTML skills.
4. The statement (0x2b||!0x2b) makes sense to you.
5. You find 4 funny.
6. You note with disgust that it always evaluates to true, since
0x2b != 0.
7. Point 6 disgusts you, because under other languages than C++
(Java, per se), it would throw an exception, runtime error, etc.
8. Both points 6 and 7 disgust you, because (0x2b||!0x2b) isn't
a statement.
9. You wonder why there's so much religious debate. After all,
can't they just type man life?
10. When you think of Blowfish, the stuff described on www.blowfish.com
has no relation to what comes to mind.
11. You can write formal grammar statements for C, C++, C#, Java,
Perl, Python, PHP, HTML, any XML schema, Assembly, Obj-C, QBASIC,
XBASIC, OO.o BASIC, StarMath, and just about anything else I could
throw at you, and yet the question, "Is our children learning?"
raises no red flags.
12.You quit drinking coffee; caffeine I/Vs are easier.
13.Your root@localhost password is the chemical formula for caffeine.
14.You didn't know that there was a war in Iraq: too busy preparing
for the next gcc compiler release.
15.You wrote the GPL.
4 out of 15, I don't think I'm a programmer :/
Another jokes from the www.gnu.org
Thats the hoku (may be I am wrong with the name but) the short poems by samurai`s warriors :DCode:A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Error messages
cannot completely convey.
We now know shared loss.
hoku = Haiku:wave:Quote:
Originally Posted by Skoons
Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends
ENGLISH LANGUAGE SIMPLIFICATION AGREEMENT
-----------------------------------------
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been
reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European
communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased
plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish.
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly,
sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be
replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters
kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like
"fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments
will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent
to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s
in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by
"z" and "w" by " v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of
leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor
trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it izi tu understand ich ozer.
Ze drim vil finali kum tru! )))
You probably heard this one before...
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.” Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
You may be interested in knowing what Steinbeck said:Quote:
Originally Posted by YourSurrogateGod
"Montana is Texas as described by Texans." From "Travels with Charley."
Good one for Mathew Joy and Robotact... :thumb: ...the English language actually have influence from many languages..including German as German conquered them long time ago...and that's why the term Anglo-Saxon came..
\\schwim Mike...kuss mich.. achtung:D (don't ask me..I don't know what am I talking about either :D )...
Posted a few pages backQuote:
Originally Posted by HanneSThEGreaT
That "simplified" version sounds like German to me (I learn German now).
One woman said to another women:
"My husband's an angel."
The other woman said:
"You're lucky! Mine is still alive!":eek:
Woman stares at marriage Certificate for 4 hours.
Husband asks:
"What are you doing¿"
Woman replies:
"I'm looking for the expiry date!":p
We have the same joke but instead women there is manQuote:
Originally Posted by HanneSThEGreaT
that's why he post it as women's joke to make it different:D:DQuote:
Originally Posted by Skoons
Interviewer: Mr. John, Can u tell me, what is inheritance.
John : (Embarrassed by this simple question) When U make love to
ur wife and she bears a child, that is Inheritance.
Interviewer was a thorough professional and was not disturbed by
John's reply. But he wanted to have some fun.
Interviewer: Then what is Multiple Inheritance?
John : When U and ur neighbour make love with ur wife and ur wife
bears a single child, that is multiple inheritance.
Interviewer: What is Virtual Function?
John: When ur neighbour makes love with ur wife and u assume
that, the child is urs.
Interviewer: What is Pure Virtual Function?
John: When u r impotent and still ur wife bears a child.
This was too much for the interviewer; so he got angry and got up.
but John was very cool. He said immediately, "no problem,
just assume that ur wife is an abstract base class and allow her to
be derived as many times as possible.
The problem with that is that you cannot divide by Knowledge when Knowledge is zero. I think we can safely stipulate there are clueless people in the world. (Certain politicians come to mind...) So, when Knowledge is zero, and Knowledge = Work/Money, doesn't that imply Work is zero for any amount of Money?Quote:
Originally Posted by RoboTact
The Soviet propaganda ministry ordered 10 million condoms from an American manufacturer, all 16" long and 3" in diameter.
The American manufacturer filled the order, sending the merchandise in boxes marked 'medium.'
1. What is height of Fashion?
Dhoti with a zip.
2. What is height of Secrecy?
Offering black visiting cards.
3. What is height of Active laziness?
Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.
4. What is height of Laziness ?
Adopt a child.
5. What is height of Craziness?
Getting a black paper Xeroxed.
6. What is height of Forgetfulness?
Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.
7. What is height of Stupidity ?
A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.
8. What is height of Honesty ?
A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.
9. What is height of Suicide?
A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.
10. What is height of De-hydration?
A cow giving milk powder.
Confusion confuses and creates confusion to further the confusion..........
Conversation of William Knott and Mr. Watt.
YOU LEFT THE TALKERS AT A POINT WHERE THEY WERE TOTALLY CONFUSED. READ THE REST OF WHAT HAPPENED...Quote:
"Who's calling?" was the answer to the telephone.
"Watt."
"What is your name, please?"
"Watt's my name."
"That's what I asked you. What's your name?"
"That's what I told you. Watt's my name."
A long pause, and then from Watt, "Is this James Brown?"
"No, this is Knott."
"Please tell me your name."
"Will Knott."
[PAUSE]Quote:
"Why not?"
"Huh? What do you mean why not?"
"Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?"
"But I told you my name!"
"Didn't you say you will not?"
"Not not, knott, Will Knott!"
"That's what I mean."
"So you know my name."
"Of course not!"
"Good. So now, what is yours?"
"Watt. Yours?"
"Your name!"
"Watt's my name."
"How the **** do I know? I am asking you!"
"Look I have been very patient and I have told you my name and you have
not even told me yours yet."
"You have been patient, what about me?"
"I have told you my name so many times and it is you who have not told
me yours yet."
"Of course not!"
"See, you even know my name!"
"Of course not!"
"Then why do you keep saying of course Knott?"
"Because I don't."
NOW THEY ARE AT A POINT WHERE BOTH THINK THE OTHER KNOWS THEIR NAME, BUTQuote:
"What is your name?"
"See, you know my name!"
"Of course not!"
"Then why do you keep asking ,Watt, is your name?"
"To find out your name!"
"But you already know it!"
"What?"
"See, but you know mine!"
"Of course not!"
"Exactly!"
THEY THEMSELVES DON'T KNOW THE OTHER'S NAME.
[Pause before it hits him]Quote:
"Listen, listen, wait; if I asked you what your name is, what will be
your answer?"
"Watt's my name."
"No, no, give me only one word."
"Watt"
"Your name!"
"Right!"
[Pause before it hits him]Quote:
"Oh, Wright!"
"Yeah!"
"So why didn't you say it before?"
"I told you so many times!"
"You never said Wright before"
"Of course I did."
"Ok I won't argue any more. Do you know my name?"
"I do not."
"Well, there you go, now we know each other's name."
"I do not!"
"Good!"
NOW THEY BOTH THINK THEY KNOW EACH OTHER'S NAME AS WELL !! :lol: :lol:Quote:
"Oh, Guud!"
"Good."
"No wonder, it took me so long, is that Dutch?"
"No, it's Knott!"
"Oh, okay. At least the names are clear now Guud."
"Yes Wright."
Nice one :) :thumb:Quote:
Originally Posted by vb_the_best
enjoy....
Gay Flight Attendant
A British Airways passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay
flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he
served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce
that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so
if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, rather
exotic looking woman, hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear
me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your
trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat.....
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, B*tch!!
Thats from ebaums world.Quote:
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
...................
Quote:
Born in a small village just north of Yorktown in April of 1032, Ejaz first left his mark as "that stupid kid peeing in the dirt". During the middle ages he bounced from job to job, finally landing in a circus freak show where he was billed as the bearded lady.
During his time at a French forced labor camp in 1634 he learned the rudiments of language, and began communicating through a series of grunts and frantic arm waving. When it was revealed that he was not a shaved ape, his keepers lost all sympathy and left him for dead in Prussia. He lived there as a hermit until the early 20th century when he was recruited as a machine-gunner for the Spanish infantry. His enthusiasm for friendly fire quickly marked him as "unreliable", and he was discharged to the care of an Alaskan sled-dog trainer.
Most of his time with the CIA has been brainwashed away, if asked, he fervently asserts that he was "out walking" between 1957 and 1972.
He holds several degrees but does not recall earning any of them, In a recent interview he let it slip that "if you threaten enough professors, sooner or later they give you a degree to get rid of you"
After years of false starts, he finally learned to program from a one-armed Japanese farmer who was willing to "teach, if you will learn". Although his first several years of work in the software industry resulted in no major contributions, it was discovered that if someone turned his computer on for him, his productivity approached marginal.
His last employer (who declined to have his name published) had this to say, "cheaper than the trained monkeys, but longer lunch breaks, I hope he gets run over by a bus".
His current projects include paintball gattling-guns, channeling for programmers that haven’t died yet, anyone foolish enough to glance at him?
I have found very funny text about how programmers would build a building. I have tried to translate it into English, with my translator, so my translation is not perfect. Enjoy
Wife: Did you make the shoppings?
Husband: Bad command or filename.
Wife: But I asked you this morning...
Husband: Syntax Error. Abort?
Wife: Not even the new TV set?
Husband: Variable not found....
Wife: OK, give me the credit card. I'll do the shoppings...
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied!
Wife: Are you serious or are you kidding? Do you try to aggravate me?
Husband: Too many parameters...
Wife: How did I end up with you?
Husband: Data type mismatch.
Wife: When you'll you cash in the salary?
Husband: File in use... Try later.
Wife: You make me wonder what do I mean for you...
Husband: Unknown Virus.