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0x0d2C
May your signals all trap
May your references be bounded
All memory aligned
Floats to ints rounded
Remember ...
Non-zero is true
++ adds one
Arrays start with zero
and, NULL is for none
For octal, use zero
0x means hex
= will set
== means test
use -> for a pointer
a dot if its not
? : is confusing
use them a lot
a.out is your program
there's no U in foobar
and, char (*(*x())[])() is
a function returning a pointer
to an array of pointers to
functions returning char
Hmmm. I think I've seen this before. Not so sure if you're the one who posted it too. But the Ode to C was really nice. I give it: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb:Quote:
Originally Posted by cilu
Just a simple Star Wars joke...
Quote:
"Dark the other side is!"
"Shut up Yoda, and eat your toast!"
Don't know if this one is a repeat..
Quote:
Banta Singh replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai, the other in Canada, and I'm here in Ludhiana. When they left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom,
and leaves it there.
Banta Singh becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the sameway: He orders three Beers and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders only two Beers. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says," I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." Banta Singh looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "Everyone's fine - both my brothers are alive" . " Only thing is ---- I just quit drinking"!!!!!!:eek:
Still funny to read... Here are more...Quote:
Write in C
When I find my code in tons of touble,
Friends and colleages come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."
As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, oh, write in C.
LISP is dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
Only wimps use BASIC.
Write in C.
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, oh, write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
Don't even mention COBOL.
Write in C.
And when the screen is fuzzy,
And the editor is bugging me.
I'm sick of ones and zeros,
Write in C.
A thousand people sware that T.P.
Seven is the one for me.
I hate the word PROCEDURE,
Write in C.
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
PL1 is '80s,
Write in C.
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
The government loves ADA,
Write in C.
I guess that this song was written before C++ came out :D
P.S. I really like your joke, vb_the_best
Nice joke, vb_the_best!! :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb:
:blink:
Two Italian men and a lady stranded on a desert
island;
The two fought and one KILLED the other to have
the lady.
Two American men and a lady stranded on a
desert island;
They both had the lady TOGETHER.
Two French men and a lady stranded on a desert
island;
They killed the lady to have EACH OTHER.
Two Indonesian men and a lady stranded on a
desert island;
The first man claimed that island is independent
and took the lady as his advisor.
The second man swam to another island to search
for jobs.
Two Thai men and a lady stranded on a desert
island;
The first man rented the lady to the second man
for 2 baht a night.
Two Filipino men and a lady stranded on a desert
island;
The first man kidnapped the lady and asked for
ransom from the other man.
Two Malaysian men and a lady stranded on a
desert island;
The lady ACCUSED the first man of sodomizing
the other because she was rejected by both.
Two Singaporean men and a lady stranded on a
desert island;
The two men are still waiting for instructions from
the GOVERNMENT on how to proceed.
Thanx:wave:Quote:
Originally Posted by YvesM
Thanx:wave:Quote:
Originally Posted by che_rish
:lol: :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Max Payne
1. The message you have entered is too short. Please lengthen your message to at least 6 characters.
Quote:
"I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with. " --Rodney Dangerfield
AUDI : Another Ugly Deutsche Invention
BMW : Brings Me Women
FIAT : Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
FORD : Fix or Repair Daily
SAAB : Shape Appears ***-Backwards
HYUNDAI : Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
SUBARU : Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually
VOLVO : Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
PORSCHE : Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything
The handbook: HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY
To make a woman happy, all you have to do is to be:
- a friend
- a companion
- a lover
- a brother
- a father figure
- a teacher
- an educator
- a cook
- a gardner
- a carpenter
- a driver
- an engineer
- a mechanic
- an interior decorator
- a stylist
- a sex therapist
- a gynaecologist/obstetrician
- a psychologist
- a psychiatrist
- a therapist
- a good father
- a gentleman
- well organised
- tidy
- very clean
- athletic
- affectionate
- affable
- attentive
- ambitious
- amenable
- articulate
- bold
- brave
- creative
- courageous
- complimentary
- capable
- decisive
- intelligent
- imaginative
- interesting
- prudent
- patient
- polite
- passionate
- respectful
- sweet
- strong
- skillful
- supportive
- sympathetic
- tolerant
- understanding
- someone who loves shopping
- someone who doesn't make problems
- someone who never looks at other women
- very rich
AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST PAY ATTENTION TO MAKE SURE YOU:
- are neither jealous nor disinterested
- get on well with her family, but don't spend more time with them than with her
- give her her space, but show interest and concern in where she goes
ABOVE ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO:
- Not forget the dates of:
- anniversaries (wedding, engagement, first date...)
- graduation
- birthday
- menstruation
However, even if you observe the above instructions perfectly, you are not 100% guaranteed that she will be happy, as she could one day feel overcome with the suffocating perfection of her life with you and run off with the first wild *******-bohemian-drunk-bon viveur she meets...
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY ???
- Let him have sex with you
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday
morning.
He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you
are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you
to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out "CROSS."
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD
RUGGED CROSS."
The pastor hollered out "GRACE."
The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the
sound."
The pastor said "POWER."
The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.
The Pastor said "SEX!" The congregation fell in total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at
each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in
the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up
and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."
I don't know if this one is acceptable:blush:
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to
her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window.
My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she
replied.
He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your
problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps
out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly
discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual
marathon, so
he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to
blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of
runners
who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully
free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your
clothes with you under your arm?"
Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get
dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do
you always wear a condom when you run? "
"Nope.........just when it's raining.
What children write about the sea. TRUE!
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea
all round you, you are in continent. ( Wayne age 7)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breathes through an @$$hole on the top of its head. (Billy
age
8)
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating
beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
How
do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big
sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy
age
6)
Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give
you
a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they
have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
My Mom has fishnets, but doesn't catch any fish (Laura age 5)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy
small. (Kevin age 6)
When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid
in
the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend.
It was fun. (Lauren age 7)
A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of semen
inside (Emma age 5)
When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of
sailors. (Valerie age 6)
Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't
go
down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)
They're funny!!! Think I'll distribute those around the office!! lol
:D :D :D
Engineering In ****
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.
St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're
an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of **** and is
let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied
with the level of comfort in ****, and starts
designing and building improvements. After
awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets
and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular
guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and
says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there
in ****?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great.
We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer
is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer?
That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten
down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer
on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah,
right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Three guys from China called Bu, Chu & Fu decided to migrate to US. On reraching US, they decided to americanize their names. Bu called himself Buck, Chu called himself Chuck and Fu had to return to China.
haha Fcuk could work for him....Quote:
Originally Posted by The Saint
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A- Boo) is not just an athlete....she is a nurse currently working at
the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the telephone.because too much confusion when she would answer the phone and says,
Picabo, ICU.
_____________________________________________________________
This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is person cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
Beware, This joke made me cry...:cry::D
A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization...
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
so many in one day..? ahh i don't care, its funny..:D
Quote:
> One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind
him,
>"My
> elbow hurts like ****. I guess I better see a doctor."
>
> "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
> "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just
give
>it
> a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what
to do
> about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a **** of a
lot
> cheaper than a doctor."
>
> So Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the
> drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and
asks
>for
> the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten
>seconds
> later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak
your
>arm
> in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two
weeks.
>
> That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob
>began
> wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water,
a
>stool
> sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter,
> and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
>
> Bob hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He
>deposits
> ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The
>computer
> prints the following:
>
> 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
> 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
> 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
> 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a
lawyer.
> 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get
> better.
>
>
> "Pleasure in the job puts perfection to the work......"
One day in the great forest a magical frog
was walking down to a water hole. This forest
was so big that the frog had never seen another
animal in all his life. By chance today a bear
was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop. The frog
said, "Because you are the only two animals I
have seen, I will grant you both three wishes...Bear,
you go first." The bear thought for a minute,
and being the male he was said, "I wish for all
the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash
helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was
amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit wasting
his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well,
I wish that all the bears in the next forest
were female as well."
Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately
hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear
was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these
stupid things, after all, he could have asked
for money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for a while
and then said, "I wish that all the bears in
the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and
said, "I wish that the bear was gay..."
:lol: Max ....wait a minute:.......oof...... it is so hard to stop myself.....all i can say is :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: : :lol:
God! how long is a milion years? God: it's about a minute!! man: and how much is a milion dollars?? God: for me it's a peny man: then can I have a peny? God: wait a minute!!!
Max :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb:
I donno if any of the following has been posted here early.
A new teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It
was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the
chalkboard.
Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom!" she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.
She quickly turns and asks,
"What's so funny, Billy?"
"Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!"
This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks." She says.
Embarrassed, she drops the eraser when she turns around, so she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out belly laugh from another male student.
She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where
do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."
==============================
One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story that ends with a moral, so there's a lesson to be learned. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road. When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next. My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched. Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny. My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.
The teacher was completely shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. Well, Johnny replied, "Don't fight with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking!"
===========================
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "because the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking."
=======================================
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "Of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
====================================
Little Johnnie is sitting on the fence, watching a bull with two cows. The preacher walks up, and asks Johnnie what he is doing.
Johnnie replies, "I'm watching that bull f*ck the black cow."
The preacher, aghast at the language, tells Johnnie that he should say that the bull is going to SURPRISE the black cow.
Johnnie says, "OK." and the preacher leaves.
The next day, after church, the preacher is shaking hands with all the parishioners as they leave. When Johnnie appears with his parents, the preacher kneels down, smiles, and says, "So, Johnnie, did the bull SURPRISE the black cow?"
Johnnie replies, "He sure did! He f*cked the white one!"
===================================
At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."
====================================
Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games.
In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was the President of the United States."
==================================
Little Johnny got on a bus and sat down next to a man. He noticed that the man had a strange kind of shirt collar, so he asked him, "Excuse me, sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"
The man smiled kindly and answered, "I wear this collar because I am a father."
Little Johnny thought a second and responded, "Sir, I have a father, but he wears his collar the other way around. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"
The priest thought for a minute, and said, "I am the Father for many."
Little Johnny quickly answered, "My father, too, is the father of many. He has four sons, four daughters and many grandchildren. But he wears his collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear yours backwards?"
The priest, flustered, said impatiently, "I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people."
Little Johnny sat silently for a long time. As he got up to leave the bus, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."
===========================================
:lol: Really, really funny!!Quote:
Originally Posted by Max Payne
All the jokes you posted were funny. I give it all: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb:
A Male Blond Joke
A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten *******, "says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
:D:D:D:D:D
Max is on fire :thumb: :thumb: :thumb:
Hahahaha:D This is hot! :thumb: :thumb: :thumb:Quote:
Originally Posted by Max Payne
A gang decided to rob a bank, they opened every vault if found no money, only cups of yogurt they ate all yogurt, next day deadly news. "Biggest sperm bank robbed!" (yak!) :eek: :D
Max..you really give me Payne to my stomach...:D..
..hope this joke didn't upset anyone...
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
Virgin Brides
A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Maxwell House". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Maxwell House jar. It said, "good, till the last drop". Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mon now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, she read from the B & H pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then, after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it shaky words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages, fearing the worst and finally and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways". :eek:
Mom fainted.
\\:p
Sick sad little world... :sick:
pic
Want some BEER!!
Quote:
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realised he had forgotten to bring any bait.
Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.
Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms.
Here, joke:
Quote:
Sadly, Tony was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly.
One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up
three interviews.
The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting, but at the end of the interview, Tony asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply.
Tony did not appreciate his honesty and threw him out of the office.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the
first guy. But he asked her the same question:
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears."
Tony again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.
The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. Mr Smith. He
was a young Australian man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart, he was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.
Tony was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
Much to his surprise, the young man answered,
"Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?"
Tony was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person.
"How in the world did you know that?", he asked.
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,
"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no bloody ears!!"
Married men should forget their mistakes; there's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
========================
Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else
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why is there braille on drive thru atm's
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I hate sex on tv, i keep falling of
=====================
I do not suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
=====================
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them
=====================
What do you do when a Blonde throughs a grenade at you? Duh!?! Take the pin out and through it back!
=====================
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they get Teflon to stick to the pan?
=====================
You mama is sooo fat i tried to run around her and got lost.
===============
Children are for people who can't have pets
==================
How do you confuse a blonde? Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in a corner
==============
You say I'm a b*tch like its a bad thing
==============
When I die I want to go in my sleep like my Grand father did, not screming like the passengers in his car.
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why did the blonde jusp off the bridge? To see if her maxi pad with wings could fly!
=========
whats the difference between a blonde and a masquito? anser: when you slap a masqiuto it stops sucking
======================
when someone says CRAZY i yell back "Hey I am over here!"
==========================
some people say i am crazy...but they have never seen me off my medication
========
so what if i'm a psycho? there is no cure for being normal
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they
connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around
his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely
packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way
along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf
a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top
shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection
of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive,
but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually
is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each
other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive
guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow,
the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was
it?"
The guy says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom
shelf."
A programmer is walking on the sidewalk when he meets this gorgeous good looking woman. A little bit shy he approaches her and says:
"Excuse me miss, do you have an email account?"
"No, I don't," says the beautiful woman.
"Oh what a pitty," says the programmer upset. "I was hoping to exhange emails and get to know each other..."
Little Johnny also said the F word to the Santa you know...heres's the prove:DQuote:
Originally Posted by chmanish
//in all of the words begin with the letter F, 'that word' is the only one called 'the F word'
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The
monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on
the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the
beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He
proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after
mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ***.
10.We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take
this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12.The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the
Cherry".
13.The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub,
thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally...
14.Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at
St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven.
However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit
33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the
worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in
turn and asks them about how they died.
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was
cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one
afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When
I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife
was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't
find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place
I looked was out on the balcony.
I found the ******* hanging from the edge, trying to get back
in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he
yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer,
and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors
screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the *******. He
landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the
kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and
hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed
him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went
back into the bedroom and shot myself."
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then,
telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this
apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning
exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the
sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily,
I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and
holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when
this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and
started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but
he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull
myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my
fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I
landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of
luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous
refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and
crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken
bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a
refrigerator..."
US Naval Communications
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US
naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of
Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to
avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL
BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
FW: President Bush
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive",
Osama himself decided to send George W
a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the
game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to
contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.
Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell.
Colin
and his aides had no clue either so they
sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then
to
MIT and NASA and the Secret Service.
Eventually they asked Britain's MI6 for help.
They cabled the White House: "Tell the President he is looking at the
message upside down."
Max, :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: !!
One day Johnny was walking by a tall building and what he was seeing completely dumb-founded him. He was watching this guy jump off a building, and at the last second, before hitting the ground, he slows down and lands on his feet. He continues doing this. Johnny, amazed at what he was seeing had to ask:
'Wow that was amazing!! How do you do that?'
'Well', replies the guy, 'Just before I hit the ground, I frantically flap my arms and then I just smooooothly land on my feet! There's nothing to it really. In fact you can do it if you *really* want to!'
Johnny asks: 'You mean I can jump off that building and make a smooth landing? Nah!! I'd splatter myself across the pavement!!'
'Just jump off the building and at the last moment, flap those arms as fast as you can and you'll land safely on your feet... nothing to it!! Just remember, flap those arms tho....'
Amazed, Johnny then walks upto the top of the building, looks over and gasps at the sheer height!!
'You sure about this?', asks Johnny.
'Sure!!', replies the guy. 'Just remember to flap those arms before you hit the ground, else someone gonna be cleaning you up of the pavement for a week!'
Johnny, reassured by this, takes a deep breath and goes for it... he flings himself off the building and the last moment flaps his arms with ALL the strength that his little body could muster.... SPLAT!!!! Johnny is dead!!
The guy seeing what has happened, starts to snigger, then a voice above shouts out, 'Gabriel!! You can be a complete bast*rd at times!!'
Quote:
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn it.., third gay rooster I bought this month."
For Vaderman and vb_the_best: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb:
:lol: Hilarious!! :lol:
<HTML>
Teacher asks children:
- Children what kind of profession do you wnat to have when you grow up?
Michael:
- I want to be an astronaut!
Ann:
-I want to be a lawyer!
Vovochka:
- I want to be sexopathologist!
Teacher:
- Vovochka do you know who`s that?
Vovochka
- Yes, Do you see there on the street are two women. They are eating ice-cream. One byte it another lick`s. So which one is married?
Teacher:
- maybe that one which lick`s the ice-cream.
Vovochka:
- Wrong, that one who got ring on the finger, and those like you we will treating
</HTML>
what an embarrasing moment for a teacher... :D
:thumb::thumb::thumb: Max Rule!!! :thumb::thumb::thumb:
so sad can't give reputation to u at this thread