AAAh A joke(Lets share Jokes)

Pay Attention

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First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor : The first is that you are not disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth."Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them calmly and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention........."

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Originally Posted by erickwidya

:thumb::thumb::thumb: Max Rule!!! :thumb::thumb::thumb:
so sad can't give reputation to u at this thread

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thanks... i just copy n past those jokes from forwarded emails n other forums...:p:thumb:

/edit..
ahh just noticed youre a neighbour... wazz up pak... :wave:

A few jokes for the math/science nerds among us:

Dr. Werner Heisenberg is speeding down the freeway one day when he's pulled over by the police. The cop walks up to Heisenberg's window and with annoyance in his voice, asks: "Hey buddy, do you know how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know where I am."

What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito?
Nothing; you can't cross a vector and a scalar.

Annual Checkup

An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What
do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun."

"So he's in the woods," the doctor continues, "and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest."

"That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear," the man said.

"Exactly."

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

:D

Famed fictional detective Sherlock Holmes and his gruff assistant Doctor Watson pitch their tent while on a camping expedition, but in the middle of the night Holmes nudges Watson awake and questions him.

HOLMES: Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce.

WATSON: I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it is quite likely there are some planets like earth, and if there are a few planets like earth out there might also be life.

HOLMES: Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole our tent.

:D :D :D

Here is one more (no offense meant) :D

Stevie Wonder is playing a gig in Tokyo. . . .

He's just finished playing his Seventies classic Sir Duke. The crowd is still going wild when a young Japanese man at the front says, "StevieWonder, you play a jazz chord, you play a jazz chord! So Stevie plays an F# minor on his keyboard and goes off on a jazz riff. The Japanese man says, "No Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord!" So Stevie tries an A and off he goes with the band on this amazing improvised moment. When he's finished, the lad says, "No Stevie, a jazz chord, a jazz chord!" By now old Stevie is a little confused. "What do you mean, play a jazz chord? I've just done 2 for you..?" he says to the fan. "But it best song of Stevie Wonder! It bery famous!" comes the reply. "Ok, well how does it go then?", enquires the blind musical genius. The young Japanese man clears his throat and starts to sing :

Wait for it.....
.
.
.
.
.
.
"A jazz chord..............to say, I ruv you..."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Thread1

Here is one more (no offense meant) :D

Stevie Wonder is playing a gig in Tokyo. . . .

He's just finished playing his Seventies classic Sir Duke. The crowd is still going wild when a young Japanese man at the front says, "StevieWonder, you play a jazz chord, you play a jazz chord! So Stevie plays an F# minor on his keyboard and goes off on a jazz riff. The Japanese man says, "No Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord!" So Stevie tries an A and off he goes with the band on this amazing improvised moment. When he's finished, the lad says, "No Stevie, a jazz chord, a jazz chord!" By now old Stevie is a little confused. "What do you mean, play a jazz chord? I've just done 2 for you..?" he says to the fan. "But it best song of Stevie Wonder! It bery famous!" comes the reply. "Ok, well how does it go then?", enquires the blind musical genius. The young Japanese man clears his throat and starts to sing :

Wait for it.....
.
.
.
.
.
.
"A jazz chord..............to say, I ruv you..."

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i don't get this one...
although i know how hard it is to talk japanese or koreans in english...;)

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Originally Posted by Max Payne

i don't get this one...
although i know how hard it is to talk japanese or koreans in english...;)

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oh.. the kid was refering to his song entitled "I just called to say I love you" but he didn't get it right..

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening: "There's the Seventh...the Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced tot he crowd that had gathered in the cemetery. "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

Hello, is this the FBI?
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas Buddy"
:D

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Originally Posted by Smasher/Devourer

Dr. Werner Heisenberg is speeding down the freeway one day when he's pulled over by the police. The cop walks up to Heisenberg's window and with annoyance in his voice, asks: "Hey buddy, do you know how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know where I am."

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:D :D :D
I love jokes with scientists.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are traveling with a train through Scotland. At some point they spot a black sheep on a filed.
"In Scotland all sheep are black," says the engineer.
"Hm...," says the physicist, "I believe you mean that some sheep in Scotland are black."
"No, no," says the mathematician. "You are both wrong. All we know is that there is at leas one sheep in Scotland, and at least one side of this sheep is black".

Heheheh...

For those who want to know and witness live karate check this out http://ghostxpast.com/concentration.mpa :D :D :D

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Originally Posted by Thread1

Famed fictional detective Sherlock Holmes and his gruff assistant Doctor Watson pitch their tent while on a camping expedition, but in the middle of the night Holmes nudges Watson awake and questions him.

HOLMES: Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce.

WATSON: I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it is quite likely there are some planets like earth, and if there are a few planets like earth out there might also be life.

HOLMES: Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole our tent.

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This is one of my favorite but the version I know is much better:

Quote:

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Famed fictional detective Sherlock Holmes and his gruff assistant Doctor Watson pitch their tent while on a camping expedition, but in the middle of the night Holmes nudges Watson awake and questions him.

HOLMES: Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce.

WATSON: I see millions of stars...

HOLMES: And what does that tell you?

WATSON: From the point of view of astronomy that tells me there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it is quite likely there are some planets like earth, and if there are a few planets like earth out there might also be life. From the point of view of astrology I see Saturn in the Lion constellation. Regarding time the stars tell me it's 2:15. Theological speaking I see that God is all-mighty and we are small and helpless. And if I'm thinking about the weather I believe that we will have a nice day. What about you sir?

HOLMES: Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole our tent!!!

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by cilu

This is one of my favorite but the version I know is much better:

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Yeah, that is more accurate than what I've got here hehehe :thumb: :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Smasher/Devourer

Dr. Werner Heisenberg is speeding down the freeway one day when he's pulled over by the police. The cop walks up to Heisenberg's window and with annoyance in his voice, asks: "Hey buddy, do you know how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know where I am."

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There is another one:

Our science department reported about the construction of device capable to accurately measure its own impetus. The device is being sought hitherto...

Universal Laws

1. Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

2. Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

4. Cannon's Karmic Law:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre,
the
next morning you will have a flat tyre.

5. O'brien's Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than
the one you are in now.

6. Bell's Theorem:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

7. Ruby's Principle of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.

8. Willoughby's Law:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

9. Zadra's Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. Breda's Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive
last.

11. Owen's Law:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to
do
something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12. Howden's Law:
You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox.

And the last and best :
13. Murphy's Law
What has to go wrong will go wrong.

i Like this one..

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Shivaji Maharaj --> A respected warrior in India

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Originally Posted by Peg After Peg

I never take risk while drinking

When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking
I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen
I stealthily enter the house
Take out the bottle from my black cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame
But still no one is aware of it
Becoz I never take a risk

I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack
Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is giving a smile

I peep into the kitchen
Wife is cutting potatoes
No one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I: Any news on Iyer's daughter's marriage
Wife: Nope, she doesn't seem to be that lucky. Still they are looking out for her

I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard
But I don't make any sound while taking out the bottle
I take out the glass from the old rack above sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink
Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I: But still I think Iyer's daughter's age is not that much
Wife: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old... like an aged horse
I: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh...

I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard
But the cupboard's place has automatically changed
I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg in the
sink
Shivaji Maharaj laughs loudly
I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Shivaji Maharaj's photo & keep it in the black cupboard
Wife is keeping the sink on the stove
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I: (getting angry) you call Mr. Iyer a horse? If you say that again, I will cut your tongue...!
Wife: Don't just blabber something, go out and sit quietly...

I take out the bottle from the potatoes
Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg
Wash the sink and keep it over the rack
Wife is giving a smile
Shivaji Maharaj is still cooking
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I: (laughing) So Iyer is marrying a horse!!
Wife: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face...

I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack
Stove is also on the rack
There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside
I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink
But none of the horses are aware of what I did
Becoz Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk
Iyer is still cooking

And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing
Becoz I never take what???

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by RoboTact

Our science department reported about the construction of device capable to accurately measure its own impetus. The device is being sought hitherto...

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Robo, can you explain the "The device is being sought hitherto" part. I'm not sure I understand it... :cry:

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Originally Posted by HanneSThEGreaT

Universal Laws

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I have a book with a whole collection of them, about 1000. I use to browse it from time to time to amuse... ;)

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Originally Posted by cilu

Robo, can you explain the "The device is being sought hitherto" part. I'm not sure I understand it... :cry:

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People are looking for it until this day.

But the joke doesn't make sense to me.

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Originally Posted by Yves M

People are looking for it until this day.

But the joke doesn't make sense to me.

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:evil nerd:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by erickwidya

:thumb::thumb::thumb: Max Rule!!! :thumb::thumb::thumb:
so sad can't give reputation to u at this thread

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Fully agree with you, we need to sak moderators to alow us to rate treads in this forum :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Yves M

People are looking for it until this day.

But the joke doesn't make sense to me.

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Well, Heisenberg principle states that if you know the exact speed (or impetus) of a particle you cannot know the exact position. So the device can compute the exact impetus, but you don't exactly know where it is... I believe that's the idea...

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Originally Posted by Max Payne

/edit..
ahh just noticed youre a neighbour... wazz up pak...

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-. baik-baik saja :D

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an 80 years old guy make love with his 60 years old wife, he start suck her b****t..ten second later he died
autopsy report : "expired Milk!!!"

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:eek:

There's two best friends who like to get drunk but this time the money is only can buy a Sausage
the first guy got an idea, he said "don't worry, we still can drunk. Buy the sausage and u put it in ur zipper and do what i told u"
so they go to one Bar, after had enough drink..the first guy bend his knee and start to open the second one zipper and **** it..after that the bar guy send them out and they don't need to pay for the drink. So they went to 2nd bar, 3rd bar until 10 bar using the same method..after the 10 one the first guy said "i had enough, let's call it a day and where's the sausage..i'm hungry"
the second guy answer it "the sausage already gone while we at the 3rd Bar" :eek:

PS :excused me for my bad english

Quote:

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Originally Posted by erickwidya

-. baik-baik saja :D

:eek: an 80 years old guy make love with his 60 years old wife, he start suck her breast..ten second later he died

autopsy report : expired Milk

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hmm I sense something bad coming this way...;):p and I have nothing to do with this sheriff...:D

Quote:

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hmm I sense something bad coming this way...;):p and I have nothing to do with this sheriff...:D

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upppsss sorry..i thought it will * instead of b****t..

anyway i already change it, very sorry for that..:blush:

vb_the_best, 'i never take risk' ;) while surfing thru this thread, trying best to contain my laughter. But today, everyone was looking at me b'cos I just could not control it!! :o

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by cilu

Well, Heisenberg principle states that if you know the exact speed (or impetus) of a particle you cannot know the exact position. So the device can compute the exact impetus, but you don't exactly know where it is... I believe that's the idea...

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Could be, but impetus means "impulse" and so in physics would be acceleration, not speed.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Skoons

Fully agree with you, we need to sak moderators to alow us to rate treads in this forum :D

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Yes, lets sack the moderators :D

Oh, I thought he meant to give some sake to the moderators to get us drunk and make us do that :/

A young guy wakes up to a newscast of a gorilla escaping from the local zoo. The gorilla is reported to be dangerous, nobody should approach him, call local zoo authorities if spotted. So, the guy gets ready for work, leaves his house and is hit by a roofing shingle! He looks up, and sees a gorilla on his roof! Well, this must be the escaped gorilla from the zoo. So, he calls the zoo.

10 minutes later, and old guy in a pickup truck arrives. The old guy gets out of the truck with a shotgun, pair of handcuffs, and a small dog. The young guy is thinking, "This guy is going to get ripped apart!" So, the young guys asks if he help. The old guy says, "Yeah, you got a ladder?" "Sure." So the young guy gets the ladder. The old guy hands the shotgun and the handcuffs to the young guy and outlines his plan, "I'm gonna go up that ladder, and throw that gorilla to the ground. When he hits the ground, that dog is gonna run up, and bite him in the crotch. When he puts his hands together, to grab the dog, you slap the handcuffs on him."

So, the old guys starts up the ladder. The young guy shouts, "Hey, what about the shotgun?" The old guys turns and answers, "If that gorilla throws me to the ground, you shoot that dog!"

Viggy

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Originally Posted by Yves M

Could be, but impetus means "impulse" and so in physics would be acceleration, not speed.

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Well, impulse is mass time speed (p = m*s)...

deltaX * deltaP > h/(4*PI)

or

deltaE * deltaT > h/(4*PI)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uncertainty_principle
http://www.physicsdaily.com/physics/...inty_principle

Q: Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
A: Because 25 Dec == 31 Oct

Q: What's the difference between an amateur programmer and a professional programmer?
A: The amateur believes that a kilobyte has 1000 bytes, since the professional believes that a kilometer has 1024 meters.


Q: Why the human brain contains only 10% executable code?
A: Because the rest are just comments.

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Originally Posted by ovidiucucu

Q: Why the human brain contains only 10% executable code?
A: Because the rest are just comments.

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:D thats a funny one :thumb:

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Originally Posted by Hobson

Q: Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
A: Because 25 Dec == 31 Oct

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Really greate :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Hobson

Q: Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
A: Because 25 Dec == 31 Oct

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Thats brilliant!!! :thumb: :D :thumb: :D

The Blond Joke to end all Blonde Jokes


A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little silver sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The
blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her
purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's
square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square cosmetic mirror, looked at it and handed
it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at
the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize
you were a cop."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Hobson

Q: Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
A: Because 25 Dec == 31 Oct

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I don't get it. :confused: :confused: :confused:



Here is a joke involving womens breasts: :P



A man walked into the Women's Department of Macy's in New York City. He told the Sales lady, "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B".

With a quizzical look, the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated, "A Baptist bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist bra and that you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember," Said the saleslady, "we don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type".

Confused and a little flustered, the man asked, "So what are the differences?"

The lady responded, "Well, it's really quite simple.
The Catholic type supports the masses,
The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused at that for a moment and then asked, "So, what is the Baptist type for?"

"They", she replied, "make mountains out of molehills".

And, if you need more information here's some more Have you ever wondered why bras are lettered A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, H and how the letters are actually used to define bra sizes? Well, if you have ever wondered, but couldn't figure it out, here's the code:

A. Almost Boobs
B. Barely Boobs
C. Can't Complain
D. Dang!
DD. Double Dang!
E. Enormous
F. Fake
G. Get a reduction
H. Help Me, I've fallen and can't get up

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Deniz

I don't get it. :confused: :confused: :confused:

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Disclaimer for Deniz:
This joke makes use of so-called 'word play' and mixes terms of two totally different domains: calendar and computer science. First, it takes two dates: 25 December and 31 October, often referred in abbreviated way, 31 Oct and 25 Dec. Next, those two terms are transferred to programming domain, where Dec and Oct are used for marking numbering systems (term?): octal and decimal. Now, in example of C++, we can write:

Code:

---

(25==031)==true

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This equation is transferred back to calendar domain, and there it means that days 25 December and 31 October are the same day, so are often confused by people, who transfer everything around from life domain to computer domain.

Hope I made it clear for you

Regards,
Hob

Thank you for your detailed explanation Hobson.

Maybe I should take out the bit on my resume where I talk about my self which says "can think outside the square". :p

PS: All that detail was unnecessary, as soon as I saw the word "decimal" I knew what you were talking about but thanks anyway :thumb: :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Deniz

I don't get it.

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by Deniz

Thank you for your detailed explanation Hobson.

PS: All that detail was unnecessary, as soon as I saw the word "decimal" I knew what you were talking about but thanks anyway :thumb: :D

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Welcome in the club. I didn't get it first too. I had to be told that Dec and Oct stand for numerical systems... But this joke is just brilliant. :thumb:

Eye have a spelling chequer,
It came with my pea sea,
It plainly marques for my revue,
Mistakes eye cannot sea.
I’ve run this poem threw it,
and I'm shore your plea’s to no,
It’s letter perfect in every weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by John E

Eye have a spelling chequer,
It came with my pea sea,
It plainly marques for my revue,
Mistakes eye cannot sea.
I’ve run this poem threw it,
and I'm shore your plea’s to no,
It’s letter perfect in every weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

---

My english sucks too much to understand it all :/, but that what I got seems really funny

Not a joke but funny to watch.: (movie, for people with a good bandwith)

http://www.alldumb.com/item/11984/

And: http://www.ariel.com.au/jokes/The_Ev...rogrammer.html The Evolution of a Programmer

The First Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day,
their
passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they
made
passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00
PM.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes
outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she
nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wif! e when he entered the
house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my
secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and
didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying *******!
You've
been playing golf!"


The Second Affair

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful
teenage
daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure
enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father
rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was
horrified to see the ugliest child he had ! ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a
stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"


The Third Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine
the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As
he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he
made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he
had ever seen!

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you
off to be cremated with a tremendously huge unit like this. It has to be
saved for posterity."

With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's
scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home The first
person he showed it ! to was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and
opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my Gosh!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The Fourth Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she
quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a
statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room..

"Oh it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought
one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No
more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the
kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of
milk.

"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot
at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass
of water."


The Fifth Affair

A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and
asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu
and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and
a fried egg?"

"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the man.

"4 cents," the bartender replied.

"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this
place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing that I'm doing to his
business."

Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms. Why, Dad ? Tell me why!"
Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different,
I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"

Girls & Windows ---- Boys & Linux

Girls and Windows

* Both have a great UI.
* Both consume large resources and do less work.
* Both crash unexpectedly.
* Both are not easily portable on different architectures (environment).
* Both can't work on low resource architectures (environment).
* Both are costly to maintain.
* Both give mostly unexpected outputs.
* Both's working often contradicts with their documentation.
* Both are easily prone to viruses (rumors and doubts) (and they (viruses) do spread very fast in windows based networks).
* In spite of all above disadvantages, both are liked.

Boys and Linux

* Both have an average UI.
* Both are robust.
* Both are highly secure.
* Both can be easily modified to support new concepts/features.
* Both are efficient.
* Both are easily portable to any architecture (environment) no matter how low are resources.
* You can easily guess the output for your input (in Linux just open its code, for boys they are mostly transparent by nature J).
* Both provide large support for development (work environment).
* Both are poorly documented.