AAAh A joke(Lets share Jokes)

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,
only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man
carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning," said the
young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of
your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest
in high-powered vacuum cleaners. "Go away!" said the
old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded
to close the door.. Quick as a flash, the young man
wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at
least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied
a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If
this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this
horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally
eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said,
"Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite,
because they cut off my electricity this morning."

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed
when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed,
which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light
but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no.

Then they said that all patrols were busy
and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30 and phoned the police again.
"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars,
an Armed Response unit and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence.
Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George:
"I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Ten Signs The Police Chief Hates You

10. He sends you on drug raids....alone.

9. He refers to you as "Our Little Mascot."

8. The job description in your contract includes "crash test dummy" and "pepper-spray test subject."

7. Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol.

6. He always tells you that only wimps call for back-up.

5. He lied to you about an "officer exchange program" and put you on a plane to Siberia.

4. He doesn't like to be seen with you in public.

3. He makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to look for them.

2. You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner.

1. Your locker is also the broom closet!!

A typical Corporate Lifecycle

Part 1
An organisation is like a tree full of monkeys - all on different
levels, some climbing up. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree
full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see
nothing but assholes.

Part 2
All the time, the monkeys on the top will get the fruits first, and
most of the time, they will eventually produce sh_t for all the
monkeys below. And all the time, that's what the monkeys below will
get.

Part 3
For those monkeys who are climbing up, they have to first kiss plenty
of A$$ in order to move up. How high they climb, will have to depend
on how good they kiss. And always if the one on top will not kiss any
A$$, his A$$ will get KICKED !!!



Part 4
During times of great difficulties and hardship, the monkeys on the
top may fall a few branches down and hit the monkeys below. The
monkeys below will be fallen upon and eventually some will fall off
the tree, as in retrenched. As compensation these monkeys that fell
off get to keep the fruits that were shaken off the tree during the
commotion.

The tree becomes lighter and life slowly returns to normal.

And that my friends is what we call a corporate lifecycle.

Two Yeti's are meeting. The one says: "Hey today I have seen a Messner!" The other answered amazed: "Really? They are existing???"

:D ... (bad joke from us austrians)

Another one this one funny :D

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: ‘If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.’ In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the car windows, shut it off, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought ‘Car NT’, but then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single ‘General Protection Fault’ warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.

9. The airbag system would ask ‘are you SURE?’ before deploying.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.

12. Every time GM introduced a new car, buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd have to press the ‘Start’ button to turn the engine off.

Why men are happier

Why Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood - all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on Pentiums?
A: The warning label.

Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium?
A: Successive approximations.

Q: Complete the following word analogy: Add is to Subtract as Multiply is to:
1) Divide
2) ROUND
3) RANDOM
4) On a Pentium, all of the above
A: Number 4.

Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider?
A: "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)

Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got
585.999983605.

Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards 754 and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If you fly in aircraft designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of "IEEE"?
A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!

Man...........
cilu...the last one was terrible!!!Just kidding...

Yeh, the intel joke was pretty funny.

25 Signs that you've grown up......

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a single bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than grog in the fridge.
4. 6:00am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favourite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce, instead of get together and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of holiday time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up".
10.You're the one calling the police because those **** kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.
11.Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12.You don't know what time McDonalds closes anymore.
13.Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14.You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15.Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16.You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00pm.
17.Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18.Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3:00am would severely upset,
rather than settle your stomach.
19.You go to the pharmacy for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and
pregnancy tests.
20.A $2.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21.You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22."I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to
drink that much again."
23.90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24.You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25.You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ***.

The last point was pretty darn funny...

Here's one...
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I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!" And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!" At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?" Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously..."Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

Dear Ivan:

Hey, how's it going out there near Barbados?

Listen, lots of us here in Southwest Florida have been talking about your scheduled visit.

Now, please don't take this the wrong way. We like spectacular forces of nature as well as the next guy. We realize that Florida and hurricanes go together like country music and drunken driving. We don't want to mess with tradition.

And we know you hurricanes recharge the aquifers, provide an exhilarating break in the stifling heat of late summer, and give neighbors a chance to bond. The economic boost you give to Home Depot alone is enough to make up for whatever inconvenience is to be expected.

So normally you would be as welcome as a gang of Harley riders during Bike Week.

But may I say that this year the timing of your tentatively scheduled arrival seems less than ideal.

You know that visitors start to wear out their welcome after a few days. And too many visitors in a row can also wear down a host and hostess. That, I'm sorry to say, is pretty much the position we Floridians find ourselves in just now.

Your cousin Charley blew through a few weeks ago and, to be blunt, he was less than mannerly. He zoomed in like a hyperactive toddler, leaving the proverbial path of destruction, except that it was no proverb. And then he was gone without so much as a see-ya-later.

Charley was a leave-wet-towels-on-the-floor, never-pick-up-a-tab kind of guest. He inspired some grumbling, and picking up after him has been a real chore. You should have seen Punta Gorda, Port Charlotte, Arcadia and Wauchula.

At least Charley didn't stay long. But just when we were starting to get things almost back to normal, Frances sauntered in.

I don't mean to be crass, but she was HUGE. When she hung around the state, she hung around the state, you know what I mean?

And you know how some guests just don't leave? That's Frances. Even when we were looking at our watches and yawning and singing "The Party's Over" she just stayed and stayed.

Some of us who hadn't really rolled out the red carpet for Charley decided to prepare a lot more for Frances, and maybe we just tired ourselves out. And then she stalled and arrived late, which is always irritating.

She wasn't as wild as Charley, I'll admit. Those rumors about Frances possibly becoming a Category 5 turned out to be overblown hype. But she just sort of oozed through. I went to bed Sunday night and woke up thinking she'd be long gone at last, but she was still here Monday morning!

So a lot of us here are thinking that enough is enough for one year. Actually, the experience of almost back-to-back hurricanes has some people talking about canceling hurricane season entirely.

Don't worry. Floridians won't go that far. But we may consider moving hurricane season to a nicer time of year. I know hurricanes like it hot, but doing without air conditioning would be a lot nicer in November, or maybe March, so as not to interfere with football season.

I mean, did you see where Frances actually caused the postponement of a Gator football game? People will put up with a lot, but let's be reasonable here.

Some are saying we should limit the number of hurricanes allowed into Florida in one year. There might be some debate about whether the limit should be one or two, but there is wide agreement that three is too many.

So, Ivan, here's the point: Florida's famous hospitality is pretty much tapped out just now. Our enthusiasm for big winds and rains, and for TV reporters gushing forth with excited descriptions of it all, has bogged down like a riding lawnmower in the swamp that used to be my back yard.

As I said, it is nothing personal, Ivan, but what would you say to making alternate travel plans?

I understand that Bermuda is lovely this time of year.

Mike and Maureen landed on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They met a Martian couple and were talking about all sorts of things. Mike asked if Mars had a stock market, if they had laptop computers, and how they made money, Finally, Maureen brought up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked Maureen.

The male Martian responded, "Pretty much the way you do."

A discussion ensued, and finally the couples decided to swap partners for the night. Maureen and the male Martian went off to a bedroom where the Martian stripped. Maureen was disappointed to find that he had a teeny weeny member, about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," said Maureen.

"Why?" he asked. "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replied, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he said, and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap, his member grew until it was impressively long.

"Well," she said, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."

"No problem," he said, and started pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grew wider and wider.

"Wow!" she exclaimed. They fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day, the couples joined their normal partners and went their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asked, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," said Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replied. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."