:blush: ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by Mathew Joy
Printable View
:blush: ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by Mathew Joy
But it was funnier with those smilies...:)
fixed :blush:Quote:
Originally Posted by Mathew Joy
Thank you :D
:thumb: :wave:
Your welcome anytime :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Mathew Joy
Whoa, Ejaz........those were nice jokes!!!!! :D:D
From Max's signature:
One of the most witty quote from Einstein. Nice! :D That means that WW III will be fought with nukes, bringing a human-created version of doomsday onto all mankind, and bringing the world to where it started : the age of prehistoric man. :DQuote:
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones - Albert Einstein
Good day,
Xeon.
che_rish or gurley.. could any of you clarify this quote which was taken from an encyclopedia (or micklopedia)?Quote:
Originally Posted by Mick
Com'on, girls are humans too. Like I said, MiCk has really gone crazy.
I dunno about you, but lots of people in the US have been known to use the PC(on chat, IM and forum-posting) when they're drunk. I mean, if you're drunk, of course you get some sleep, but apparently......these guys don't. :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:
Good day,
Xeon.
well now, Xeon, don't make any assumtions, even MrE=mc2 said he doesn't know what weapon would be used in WWIII...:rolleyes:Quote:
Originally Posted by Xeon
btw, don't forget the Matrix got you... they won't allow a nuke war to happen..;):p
That is THE best resuma I've ever seen.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ejaz
(is it just me or does the singing add an essence of desperation?)
Doctor : "shall i give your wife local anaesthetic?"
Businessman:" Certainly not .I Can afford some thing imported.
A Paki, Bangladeshi and an INDIAN are in a bar one night having a beer. The Paki drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Islamabad our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."
The Bangladeshi [obviously impressed by this] drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
The Indian, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Paki and Bangladeshi. He says "In Delhi we have so many Paki and Bangladeshi that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
Long live Bachelors
Every man should get married some time; after
all,happiness is not the only
thing in life!!
--Anonymous
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair
that some men should
be happier than others.
--Oscar Wilde
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
--Scottish Proverb
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for
two years.
--Sam Kinison
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you
expensive answers that your
wife will give you for free.
--Anonymous
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Bachelors know more about women than married men;
if they didn't, they'd
be married too.
--H. L. Mencken
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Men have a better time than women; for one thing,
they marry later; for
another thing, they die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken
----------------------------------------------------------------------
- "A man without a woman is like a fish without a
bicycle."
- U2
----------------------------------------------------------------------
- Marriage is a three-ring circus:
--engagement ring
---wedding ring
---suffering
---------------------------------------------------------------------
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows
why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone
wonders why.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of
one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding
her way back to home always.
--Anonymous
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
anniversary?" She said,"Some where I have never
been!" I told her,
"How about the kitchen?"
--Anonymous
------------------------------------------------------------------
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.
--Anonymous
-------------------------------------------------------------------
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then
the mud fell off.
--Anonymous
---------------------------------------------------------------------
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too
late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump
in."
--Anonymous
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses
to get to married.
He says "the wedding rings look like minature
handcuffs....."
--Anonymous
---------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in
first?
The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after u
let him in!
--Anonymous
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
parted mother and started back toward his car when
his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man
seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
'Why did u have to
die? Why did you have to die?" The first man
approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief,
but this
demonstration of pain in is
more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you
mourn so? Deeply? A
child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to
collect himself, then
replied "My wife's first husband."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband
leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned
over too much, fell
into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned
for a while but then
smiled " It really works ! "
One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.
MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
SON : "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."
MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."
SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"
MOM : "One, you are FORTY - FIVE years old and should understand your
responsibilities. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East
assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The
salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very
confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually
unknown
there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned
to
convey the message through 3 posters...
First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally
exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third,
our
man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over
the
place"
That should have worked," said the friend. The salesman replied, "Well,
not
only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs read from
right to left..."
Best Joke as far I have seen Saint :thumb:.
No Offence Meant!
Please circulate this message around the office and make sure everyone takes part on Friday.
The Leaders of the world are asking for your support to combat terrorism and we are being encouraged to demonstrate against them this Friday at 15:00 hours.
It is a well-known fact that the Taliban are against alcohol consumption and think it is sinful to look at a naked woman. Therefore, at 15:00 this Friday, all women should run naked through the office while men chase them with a beer in their hands.
This is the best way to show our disgust for the Taliban and will hopefully help us in detecting the terrorists among us (anybody who doesn't do as proposed will be deemed a terrorist, denounced to the world and shot).
Your efforts are much appreciated in the name of a free, democratic world.
:wave:
Between Sanity and Insanity
1. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman. Before marriage and after marriage.
2. Never believe in 'love at first sight'. It's always best to take a second look.
3. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.
4. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.
5. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
6. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
7. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
8. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
9. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
10. You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it.
11. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
12. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
13. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
14. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
15. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
16. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
17. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
18. You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
19. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job; he still ends up with the same boss.
20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
21. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
22. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
23. Common sense is good to have, but never let it master you for then it might deprive you of the foolish things it's fun to do.
24. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why the wife treats her husband like toxic waste...
I really liked
Quote:
20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
Since no one wanted to post cheeky and dirty jokes here, I'll.
Assuming that one day, some guy tell you "Go **** y*ur **m".
The cheekiest replies in the world would be the following :
1) Wanna join us?
2) Thanks for reminding me!
3) Ask your m** to join in too!
4) You do mine, I'll do yours!
5) Sure, at your place!
6) I'm done already.
7) Sorry bro....just did it yesterday. Maybe tomorrow.
8) U jealous?
9) Been there, done that. Twas' fun!
10) I've done it already. Both our screams woke up the neighbours.
Good day,
Xeon. :cool:
This is one pretty much trueQuote:
Originally Posted by Ejaz
Enjoy....
An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man
with orange, green, and blue spiked hair. After a few moments, the
young man said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done
anything wild?"
The old man smiled and said, "Well, yes. I once had sex with a parrot,
and I was wondering if you were my son."
Regards
John
hahaha good one...:D:D
Umm...didn't understand this one.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ejaz
Well, its like telling someone that, he is not the only one who fails. But its a rude way to say, isn't it? :rolleyes:Quote:
Originally Posted by Mathew Joy
Hmmm... :oQuote:
Originally Posted by Ejaz
Code:Need one gal 2 marry... Age no bar
Color no bar
height no bar
caste no bar
but gal's father must have his own bar... CHEERS
Code:The wife stands in front of a mirror."you know, dear," she says, "I look
in
the mirror & I see an old woman, face wrinkled, fat legs & flabby arms"
She turns to her husb & says, "Tell me something positive to make me
feel
better about myself."
He says in a soft voice,"your eye sight is perfect"
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he
decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile....Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her
husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the 1st
message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room found his
mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
Date: January 31, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here; we
are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones. I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!
Your loving Hubby
:Sigh: Romantic. ;) I think you are the second person to post such in this thread. One ISTR is about catching the eye.Quote:
Originally Posted by humptydumpty
Just added a word to make it better. Well, spot the difference :D
There is more money being spent in the world today on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that in about 40 years time, we'll have a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections - but absolutely no recollection of what to do with them...! :lol:
:D:D:D
:thumb: Good one!! Good one!!
:wave:
Celebrated this 19th. :)
Married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady 120km per
hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear
voice,
"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly
increases her speed to 130kph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out
of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best
friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more
tightly and slowly increases the speed to 145kpm.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
Up to 150 I want the car, too," he continues.
160kph.
"And," he says,"I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards
and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you
want?"
The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've
got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 170kph, the wife turns to
him and smiles.
"The airbag."
Posted before :)
Sorry :oQuote:
Originally Posted by Mathew Joy
If you've ever ran out of excuses not to turn up for work.......
I called my boss to tell him I was sick and wasn't coming in to work.
He asked what was wrong.
Told him I had anal-glaucoma.
That sounds serious, what is that?
Well I just can't see my *** coming to work today.
The most popular joke in CG....but still posting it anyway.
Quote:
Code not working??
Have one spoon holy water.
Don't know how to make??
Take some water in a pan.
Boil the H-E-L-L out of it. :D
A doctor told Jim that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.
Jim decided, "What the ****, I'll try it,"He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it.
He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.
He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
A voice said, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
Jim replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
"Well", said the cop, "you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
The inventor of Harley-Davidson Motorcycle Co. Arthur Davidson died, and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven. "
Arthur thought about it for a minute and said,
"I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognised Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarassed, but finally said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"
God said "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Clestial Supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention that yours."
Steve Irwin walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. He puts the croc up on the bar. He then turns to the astonished patrons and says: "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this croc's mouth and place my genitalia inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my genitalia unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured in unanimous approval. Steve stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, Irwin grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the croc hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and he removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. Steve stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up ...
"I'll try it! Just don't hit me too hard with the beer bottle."
Xeon, this is for you dude...:D:D
WHY SINGAPOREAN Girls CAN'T WIN MISS UNIVERSE TITLE
One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore
Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe
representative
were of tertiary level education or higher was because of
the following incident which occurred not too many years ago.
It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and
the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss
Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:
MC: The first question is name me an electrical
appliance starting with "L"
Miss USA: Lamp
Miss Malaysia: Light bulb
Miss Singapore: LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"
MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances; Now, name
me an animal starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lion
Miss Malaysia: Leopard
Miss Singapore: LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no!
MC: Your next chance. The name of a famous car that
starts with "L"
Miss USA: Lexus
Miss Malaysia: Lamborghini
Miss Singapore: Lolls-Loyce
Judge: Oh my God!
MC: I am going to give you one last chance! Name me a
fruit starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lemon
Miss Malaysia: Lychee
Miss Singapore, with full of confidence, smiles and
says: LIEWLIAN!!
This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the
board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should
really be disqualified ; and they decided that since Miss
Singapore was having so many problems with the letter "L",
they decided to give her another chance.
Judge: OK, the final question is : Name me a human
anatomy starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lung (applause)
Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)
Miss Singapore: LAN CIAU
The Judges fainted..!!!
Are you on fire? :eek:
nahh just something to cheer me up...:thumb::D
:eek: Max, what went wrong with you?Quote:
Originally Posted by Max Payne
I think so :rolleyes:Quote:
Originally Posted by Mathew Joy
I did not get "LIEWLIAN!!" & "LAN CIAU" :o
Didn't make sense to me either.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Max Payne
I just can't get that... :confused:Quote:
Originally Posted by The Saint
Me neither... :ehh:Quote:
Originally Posted by cilu
Thank god I'm not the only one!! someone explain it please!!Quote:
Originally Posted by HanneSThEGreaT
(the others were great though max :thumb: )
huh, thought so you guys won't understand, thats why I put this is for Xeon..:p
ok, chinese(in malaysia and singgapore) has hard time pronouncing any word with 'R', it becomes 'L'.. so 'programming' becomes 'proglamming'..
"LiewLien" is actually the chinese name for "Durian".. I hope you guys know what Durian fruit is..
"Lan Ciau" is actually.. err.. the unique male body part, I mean the "penis"..:o:D