AAAh A joke(Lets share Jokes)

You might not find it funny, but I found that in my old docs and there seems to be no other place to post it.

Four Management Lessons
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Lesson Number One
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A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two
*****************
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer,who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson Number Three
*******************
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The Brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until
finally the a****** spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the a****** being the Boss. So the a****** went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the Feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that a****** should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.

All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the ****!

Management Lesson:
You don't need brains to be a Boss - any a****** will do.


Lesson Number Four
******************
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.

While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the f rozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.

The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him!


Management Lessons:
1) Not everyone who drops **** on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep ****, keep your mouth shut!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ejaz

You might not find it funny...

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I think you're pretty safe Ejaz! :thumb:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ejaz

Four Management Lessons
*******************

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I like it!!! :thumb: :thumb: :D

#3 is infact the first joke of this thread...and this is no joke :D

:d

I think these signs cause more accidents than preventing it. Drivers will die laughing. :D

heh...good signs you got there... :thumb:

in India, there was English written signs?...or just those signs :D

Most of the signs are in English. Here (in kerala) I am yet to see a road sign in Malayalam (local language). Since Indians speak different languages, common notices are in English. English/Hindhi is our national language. Now I can see more push towards English...esp since BPO and all have come.

Uniformed people sure have a good sense of humour. All these roads (and signs) are maintained by the Border Road Organisation (A military installation) and are meant for military drivers as all these roads must be near borders (probably Kashmir and Laddakh)where civilian vehicles rarely go.

A few days ago, I saw this in an article related to hand-grenade and its use by military. The result may be ghastly but it is humurous whatsoever.

"A common mistake made by soldiers is grasping the grenade in the weak hand, pulling the pin and then throwing the pin."

:thumb: :D

Hans: where did the beating drums go?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Mathew Joy

Hans: where did the beating drums go?

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Taking a break from them, for a while :cool:

☻Q. WHAT IS THE HEIGHT OF LAZINESS?

A. A COUPLE ADOPTING A CHILD.


☻Girls are like roads,
More the curves,
More the dangerous they are.

Q : What Did Clinton Say To Gore About The Whole Affair?
A : Pardon Me


Q. WHY AMERICANS STOP PRINTING STAMPS WITH PHOTO OF PAMEELA ANDERSON?

A. COZ PEOPLE STARTED LICKING THE WRONG SIDE OF IT FOR PASTING THEM ON THE ENVELOPES.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by chmanish

A few days ago, I saw this in an article related to hand-grenade and its use by military. The result may be ghastly but it is humurous whatsoever.

"A common mistake made by soldiers is grasping the grenade in the weak hand, pulling the pin and then throwing the pin."

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Hooray for darwinism!

A bus stops, and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following:

"Emma comefirst. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and
pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed swine," retorted the lady
indignantly. "In this country.... we don't speak aloud in public places
about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abou ta sex? I'm
a just a tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi'." :D

you can get 4 flat for this thesis...:D
did you graduate from Pun College of Art?...

Well, thats a dedicated thread for jokes here :thumb:

[ merged threads : no reason to have a separate thread for each joke ]

The weather forcaster was dictating his secretary the forcast for Sunday:
"Sunday well have short shower rains. The air temperature..."
"Oh," says the secretary. "I was hoping to have a walk on Sunday."
"Fine," says the man. "Then cut off the rain."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by cilu

[ merged threads : no reason to have a separate thread for each joke ]

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:D :D Nice Joke.. :lol:

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this,

yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

Code:

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class Sex
{

} ;

Sex woman ; // woman are Sex objects

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by hitai

Sex woman ; // woman are Sex objects

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Absolutely! Because when you ask for 'sex' they always 'object'...:p

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Mathew Joy

:D :D Nice Joke.. :lol:

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:D :D :D Yeah... but... it wasn't a joke. Do you actually find it funny? :p

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ajay

Absolutely! Because when you ask for 'sex' they always 'object'...

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:D

Top 20 replies by Programmers to Testers when their programs don't work
20. "That's weird..."

19. "It's never done that before."

18. "It worked yesterday."

17. "How is that possible?"

16. "It must be a hardware problem."

15. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?"

14. "There is something funky in your data."

13. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"

12. "You must have the wrong version."

11. "It's just some unlucky coincidence."

10. "I can't test everything!"

9. "THIS can't be the source of THAT."

8. "It works, but it hasn't been tested."

7. "Somebody must have changed my code."

6. "Did you check for a virus on your system?"

5. "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?

4. "You can't use that version on your system."

3. "Why do you want to do it that way?"

2. "Where were you when the program blew up?"

And the Number One Reply by Programmers when their programs don't work:






GuessGuess.............










Come on, even u say it ......











Guess.............









1 ."It works on my machine"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by NatThoelecke

There must be something inherently wrong with our society when a supermodel is paid more money for an hour of work, than a schoolteacher will earn in ten years.

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Why is that?

Bear in mind that for every supermodel, there are thousands of starving artists. Artists as a whole probably makes less than teachers. Even if they did make more than teachers, why is this inherently bad? Never understood that.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Max Payne

> >> 3. The US national debt is about 5.62 trillion,
> >> if Bill Gates were to pay the debt by himself;
> >> he will finish it in less then 10 years.

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I don't know about the other stats, but this is certainly wrong. Gates couldn't pay off the public debt in a lifetime.

Gates is ~50 years old and is worth about US$50 bln. So he spent his lifetime thus far amassing a fortune that is two orders of magnitude less than the public debt.

So humor me; what kind of math, however fantastic or fictional, can make him pay off the debt in a decade?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by hankdane

Gates is ~50 years old and is worth about US$50 bln.

So humor me; what kind of math, however fantastic or fictional, can make him pay off the debt in a decade?

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Actually, since the annual deficit is $500 bln, and Gates has a tenth of that, if Gates could suddenly make his life-time savings every year from now on -- a factor 50 increase of his average income so far -- then in 10 years, he could pay off one year's worth of deficits.

What this goes to show is how an amazingly big money sink Congress is.

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

Rules Of The Air for Pilots

Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory
If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
Always try to keep the number of landing you make equal to the number of take-offs you've made.
There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
Good judgment comes from experience.Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
Remember, gravity is not just a good idea.It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

Q: Can you telephone from an airplane?
A: Who couldn't tell a phone from an airplane?

Q: What sort of planes have Irish people?
A: They have Eire Planes.

Q: Do you know where the Great Plains are?
A: At the great airports.

Q: Why do giraffes have long necks?
A: Because they have smelly feet.

World's Shortest and Best Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry
me?", and the girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived
happily ever after and went fishing, partied with his
friends, drove fast cars and generally did whatever he
wanted a lot when he wanted to do it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by chmanish

Rules Of The Air for Pilots

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:lol: :lol: Excellent :thumb:

Maybe I should have put this on the Religion thread (oh, what the **** - I'll put it there too....)

Q) What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?

A) Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

A dog?
lol! :)
Dog save the week!

Yes, but can you scientifically proove that dogs exist?

[edit: sorry to all the people who had no idea why I was referring to buying scientific proof of the existence of dogs if they read this earlier... See MrRee quoting me below for more info]

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Zeb

Yes, buy can you scientifically proove the dogs exist?

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dogs didn't exist...because, dogs didn't exist...but the dogs didn't exist...they didn't exist anyway....

http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/20...5390104396.jpg

:D

A mail from the husband to the wife:

Quote:

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Sweetheart:

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses.

You are my sweetheart

Your husband
Allen

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The wife replied back after some days to her husband:

Quote:

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Dearest sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details:

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses
instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some
other items...........
5. Other expenses 40 kisses

Please don't worry for me; I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I
hope I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, please advice!!!

Your Sweet Heart

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there it is...I go change its water...

Quote:

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A manager to his employee: "It has come to our attention that you have a private life"

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2 1

Apologies about the caps.

This is a story why I fired my secretary.....

LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.

AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY
BIRTHDAY."

I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL
REMEMBER. MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT.

AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING,
BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE
HAD REMEMBERED. I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."

I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY.
LET'S GO!"

WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO
MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY

ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A
BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?" I
RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?" SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."

AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS,
IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".

AND I JUST SAT THERE ....





ON THE COUCH .....





NAKED.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Vaderman

Apologies about the caps.

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Thought you were shouting :D

:rolleyes:

Vaderman, thas a great joke. :thumb: *rotfl* :D :D :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Vanderman

AND I JUST SAT THERE ....





ON THE COUCH .....





NAKED.

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ROFLMAO :D :D :D :D
I haven't laughed like this for a long time.

That was really great

A ship is on a long voyage with a captain that likes the bottle.

After a few days, the First Mate writes in the log: "Today the Captain was drunk."

Next day, he writes again: "Today the Captain was drunk."

Third day, again: "Today the Captain was drunk."

Then the Captain tells the First Mate, "I don't want you to write that in the log."

"OK," says the First Mate, and a few days go by. Then he writes: "Today the Captain was sober."

Don Rumsfeld is giving George "W" Bush his daily briefing and tells him
that three Brazilian soldiers have been killed in Iraq.

George says "that's absolutely terrible", is lost for words, and holds
his head in his hands for several minutes. His staff are amazed at the
response, and the whole room stays silent.

Finally George lifts his head from the table and says "exactly how many
is a brazillion?"

What is a mistress.... :confused:

I've been told its halfway between a mister and a mattress. Is that about right...? :D