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Last words of some people:
- It's not as it seems. She's just a collegue from office...
- Ha. This is just a toy gun.
- Over my dead body.
- Throw me that ax.
- If you push that button I die.
- Sharks! Sharks!
- You are fired!
- Fireworks look better this close.
- Look out. The tree is falling! No, no, the other way...
- I loke the way you cook mushrooms.
- I can hold my breath for five minutes under water if you want me to.
- I hope my wife is not at home.
Why are New Yorkers so depressed?
The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.
Cilu you forgot: "Watch this bro" (said by a guy driving a hotted-up car)
TO LOOSE WEIGHT...
The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he
would loose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem. "What's the problem?" asked the doctor. "I'm 2400 kms from home."
ANOTHER COUNT!
Our Sardar is walking down the street and sees a man jumping up and down on a manhole cover yelling "86, 86, 86". He asks the man, "Excuse me, but why are you jumping up and down on this manhole cover and yelling '86, 86, 86'?" The man says, "Well, I can't tell you that, but if you really want to know, I can let you go under there and find out. He thinks for a moment, then his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "Okay." The man lifts the manhole cover, He steps into the manhole, and the man puts the manhole cover back and starts jumping up and down on it yelling "87, 87, 87"...
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left.Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "To the kitchen."She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."
He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks
into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl
to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and
goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an
escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in
jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just
give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is
probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey.
"I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering
in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we
kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong,
honey. I love you too!"
The pocker game lasted all night.
"Get it over with it in our house," said the wife mad.
"Calm down, darling," he said. "What house?"
Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son.
Jack: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice"
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case..."
Next Jack approaches Bill Gates.
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case..."
Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case..."
This is how business is done!!
This idea came from my PRRV lesson ... :rolleyes:
There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday......Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
NASA engineers spent thousands of dollars and countless man hours developing the pen that writes in zero gravity.
Russian engineers used a pencil.
That has been posted already somewhere in this thread ;) .Quote:
Originally Posted by rockx
Funeral Procession
Quote:
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached thee woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two
women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
there was this man who takes his nephew for a gorrila Hunt
they take a gun, a rope(long enough), a stick and a Germon Shepered
when they leave the uncle tells the son " Hey son i have killed so many gorrilas till now, this is your first experience."
the son asks " what are all these things for."
Uncle "Well the stick is for me to kill the Goriila with, the Dgg will bite off the Genitles of the gorrila when it falls, and ul use to rope to tie up the beast."
Son "But the GUN?????????"
Uncle "well sometimes the gorila stays up there n i fall, if that happens, u shoot the Dog!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
A mate of mine, The Nickaz (or just Nick when he is sober and teaching his primary school kids - hense the lameness of the joke) claims he made this one up. I believe it - he's a funny guy and all, and hanging around kids all day tends to do this to people:
Q. Why is it so hard to find pain-killers in the jungle?
A. Cause the parrots-eat-em-all