I'm sure Mick didn't get it either.:DQuote:
Originally posted by Mick
that's what I told this chickadee at a bar...she didn't get it...
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I'm sure Mick didn't get it either.:DQuote:
Originally posted by Mick
that's what I told this chickadee at a bar...she didn't get it...
another night of fappity fap fap fap....Quote:
Originally posted by Tom Frohman
I'm sure Mick didn't get it either.:D
No, he's a "Anti Elite Member wOOt" woot woot woot... :pQuote:
Originally posted by Andy Tacker
Mick! I am "Just Another Member" like you and all others :)
when mick speaks..everybody goes...wOOtQuote:
Originally posted by dimm_coder
No, he's a "Anti Elite Member wOOt" woot woot woot... :p
True True... OK :pQuote:
Originally posted by Mick
when mick speaks..everybody goes...wOOt
A man is on vacation to the Caribbean when falls asleep on the sand and ends up with a wicked sunburn. Wincing in pain, he hobbles off to the local doctor for help. The doc takes one look at the man's legs and says, "For you man, the only thing I can recommend is these Viagra pills."
"I've got sunburn!" cries the man. "How on earth is Viagra going to cure it?"
"Well, it won't cure the sunburn," replies the doctor. "But it should keep the sheets off your legs during the night!"
Joan, a rather well proportioned young lady, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel.
She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, being a naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up there, & she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, & besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
Old Abe, a lifelong penny pincher, is lying on his deathbed.
“Is my wife, Dora, here?” he asks, with a tremble in his voice.
“I’m here, dear,” replies Dora.. “I’m right next to you.”
“Are the children with you, Dora?” asks Abe, barely able to speak.
“Yes, Daddy, we’re all here,” say the children, sobbing.
“What about my relatives?” inquires Abe. “How many of them bothered to turn up?”
“They’re all here,” replies Dora, “Every one of them.”
“So my entire family is right here in the room?” asks Abe.
“That’s right, dear.” says Dora, reassuringly – at which point, Abe sits up and yells,
“Then why the **** is the light still on in the kitchen?”
Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"
I didnt get the Joke.
?????
well, its all about Loyality & Cheating between married couples.
hmm I smell a bobbit joke somewhere in there.Quote:
Originally posted by Andy Tacker
well, its all about Loyality & Cheating between married couples.
Guess this is surely a Joke.See attached image
Aaahhh, to be a fifties Dad...Quote:
Originally posted by kandukondein
Guess this is surely a Joke
I don't see what's funny about that... Seems to me like a collection of reasonable, well thought advice from some real expert in the field. Just printed it and hung it up in the kitchen... :DQuote:
Originally posted by kandukondein
Guess this is surely a Joke.See attached image
12 shots
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents!!"
Manager to employee:
We have decided to downsize and, well, you are the tallest:D
//something so that soul doesn't get bored
//PS: my cheeks are covered..so don't try to pull a fast one :D
A young man sees an old timer sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. So he makes his way over to the bench and asks the pensioner if he’s all right. "Are you okay?" he asks.
"No, it’s my birthday today and I’m 82," blubs the old man. "Eighty-two!"
"But you look great for your age," says the young man, "you should be happy."
"Well, it's like this," sobs the pensioner, "A fortnight ago I got married to a 25-year-old blonde bombshell."
"Oh I see," says the young man, thinking he's sussed out the problem. "You’re just a bit too old to fulfil them conjugal responsibilities, I suppose?"
"‘Not at all," explains the pensioner, "my wife's a raver and we're usually at it five times a day."
"Look mate, " says the youngster, "I’m 25 and even I don’t get that much sex. What on earth are you crying about??"
"Well I've been sitting here for the past 6 hours," wails the man, "and for the life of me, I just can't remember where I live!"
The wife is having an affair with the pest control inspector. One day the husband came early from the office to find the guy hiding in a closet. "Who are you?" the husband asked.
"I am from the Bugs-B-Gone company"
"What are you doing here?"
"Looking for moths"
"And where is your cloths?"
The man looks at himself and said, "Those tricky little devils"
:D
Client has 2 cows and u need to milk them
1 First prepare a document when to milk them (Project kick off)
2 Prepare a document how long you have to milk them (Project plan)
3 Then prepare how to milk them (Design)
4 Then prepare what other accessories are needed to milk them (Framework)
5 Then prepare a 2 dummy cows (sort of toy cows) and show to client the
way in which u will milk them (UI Mockups & POC)
6 If client is not satisfied then redo from step 2
7 You actually start milking them and find that there are few problem with
accessories. (Change framework)
8 Redo step 4
9 At last milk them and send it to onsite. (Coding over)
10 Make sure that cow milks properly ( Testing)
11. Onsite reports that it is not milking there.
13. You break your head and find that onsite is trying to milk from bulls
14. At last onsite milk them and send to client (Testing)
15. Client says the quality of milk is not good. (User Acceptance Test)
16. Offsite then slogs and improves the quality of milk
17. Now the client says that the quality is good but its milking at slow
rate (performance issue)
18. Again you slog and send it with good performance.
19. Client is happy..
By this time both the COWs aged and cant milk.
I guess now I have a place to post all the 'tarded jokes I get sent...
Quote:
Southern Law
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"Yep."
"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin' . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?
Cause if I have to suffer them...so do you..
Quote:
Top Ten comments made by sports commentators that I'm sure they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."
4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."
6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."
9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian D**ks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven D**ks on the field."
10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"
Wanna bet? My wife is the stupidest woman on the planet.Quote:
Originally posted by Tom Frohman
Nobody is that stupid.....:D
Mick - here's a few sports commentaries from this side of the pond....
1) I think that longevity is something that most boxers would die for.
Ben Bradshaw - Boxing commentator.
2) United will need to score at least once if they want to win in this game.
Sandy Clack - BBC 1 football commentator.
3) Those England fans with memories will be thinking back to last year.
Dave Provan - Scottish football commentator
4) There are more questions than answers being asked at this moment.
Stan Collymore - Radio 5 football commentator.
5) For those of you watching in black and white, the pink ball is that one just behind the blue.
Ted Lowe - BBC 2 snooker commentator.
6) In the European Cup, scoring three goals is like scoring twice as many as two.
French football commentator.
7) England are at the top of a cliff right now and they can either fall off the edge or keep on climbing.
Gary Neville - Sky TV football commentator.
Okay, How stupid is she?Quote:
Originally posted by coderitr
Wanna bet? My wife is the stupidest woman on the planet.
Did she ever sit up all night studying for a blood test? Has she ever tried to sharpen a ball point pen? Does she think the Red Sox will win the world series some day?
How stupid is she? Consider this:
One of our favorite TV shows is 24 on Fox. This season, a terrorist has a biological weapon (a virus) that he is threatening to unleash on the population of the US unless the president caves to his demands. In the conversation between the president and the terrorist, the terrorist said "you are no longer in control of your country." She asked "So he's not the president any more?"
She only recently realized that movies are actually a whole bunch of still photographs played in rapid succession.
She actually thinks that I love her.
Is she blonde? that would explain alot...Quote:
Originally posted by coderitr
How stupid is she? Consider this:
In the conversation between the president and the terrorist, the terrorist said "you are no longer in control of your country." She asked "So he's not the president any more?"
She only recently realized that movies are actually a whole bunch of still photographs played in rapid succession.
who is the stupid one again? :pQuote:
She actually thinks that I love her.
No she isn't blonde. I was stupid when I married her.
your not alone ;) But I corrected that problem ;)Quote:
Originally posted by coderitr
I was stupid when I married her.
/Well both problems
Here's another example from a few years ago:
Car A is travelling toward the other two. Car B is waiting to turn Left. Car C (her) is turning right. Car A hit her as she pulled out. She thought the accident should have been charged to Car B because it was blocking her view.
that's why my next wife will be from realdoll.com....
disclaimer: should you actually choose to visit realdoll.com...don't blame me....
Hey coder, any tips on avoiding such pit falls? Considering I'm not married a have already got stabbed in the back a couple of times by a some b*****s, I'd really like to know how to avoid such train wrecks in motion.
The Franciscans are still looking for a few good men....Quote:
Originally posted by ats007spdou
Hey coder, any tips on avoiding such pit falls? I'd really like to know how to avoid such train wrecks in motion.
hmm women or good beer? that's a real hard choice...:DQuote:
Originally posted by Tom Frohman
The Franciscans are still looking for a few good men....
wait around for 20-30 years...the money DARPA is pouring into robotics right now outta at least shake out some applications for the public sector...hubba hubba...though I guess instead of snorting teh viagra I'll have to switch to mainlining...Quote:
Originally posted by ats007spdou
Hey coder, any tips on avoiding such pit falls? Considering I'm not married a have already got stabbed in the back a couple of times by a some b*****s, I'd really like to know how to avoid such train wrecks in motion.
/Hops there is a model that brews beer or at least an upgrade.
The best advice I can give is never get married. The simple fact of the matter is that no man has ever gotten a fair deal in divorce court.
Oh well, atleast getting a girlfriend isn't so bad, after all, the sex is there. I just wish that we could buy computers that look and talk like humans, something like in the anime Chobits(drooling). If they misbehave, just reprogram them :D too bad you can't do that to real people :( .Quote:
Originally posted by coderitr
The best advice I can give is never get married. The simple fact of the matter is that no man has ever gotten a fair deal in divorce court.
No, more like h**l no.Quote:
Originally posted by Tom Frohman
The Franciscans are still looking for a few good men....
Actually, if everyone will adhere to your choice, that means after, say, 100 years there will be no more ordinary people... and now tell me... who will then do new s*x dolls for us - immortal :rolleyes:Quote:
Originally posted by Mick
that's why my next wife will be from realdoll.com....
disclaimer: should you actually choose to visit realdoll.com...don't blame me....
Dimcan McCoder
You need to watch more woody allen films ;)Quote:
Originally posted by dimm_coder
Actually, if everyone will adhere to your choice, that means after, say, 100 years there will be no more ordinary people... and now tell me... who will then do new s*x dolls for us - immortal :rolleyes:
Dimcan McCoder
sides in 100 years, people will be cloning themselves in the clone-o-matic and transferring their memory patterns...thus everyone will tend to start to look alike, as one genetic model out preforms another...
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. ?The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his
mistress.? Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman! , 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent
it all on whiskey.? Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah !" says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the
redneck from Arkansas, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
Quote:
It was a very foggy day in London. The fog was so thick that it was impossible to see more than a foot or so. buses, cars and taxis were not able to run and were standing by the side of the road. People were trying to find their way about on foot but were losing their way in the fog. Mr. Smith had a very important meeting at the House of Commons and had to get there but no one could take him. He tried to walk there but found he was quite
lost. Suddenly he bumped into a stranger. The stranger asked if he could help him. Mr. Smith said he wanted to get to the Houses of Parliament. The stranger told him he would take him there. Mr. Smith thanked him and they started to walk there. The fog was getting thicker every minute but the stranger had no difficulty in finding the way. He went along one street, turned down another, crossed a square and at last after about half an hour's walk they arrived at the Houses of Parliament. Mr. Smith couldn't understand
how the stranger found his way. "It is wonderful," he said. "how do you find the way in the fog?""It is no trouble at all to me," said the stranger: " I am blind."
:DQuote:
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, "You do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "You protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen
doughnuts at the door to his shop.A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "You serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a haircut.
By mail.
I would have thought that the next day the barber would have been summoned before court for unfair competition. ;)
The other barbers would sue him for monopolizing hair cutting :D. Reminds me of M$ :D :D
This is interesting!!! We have a boring thread which is very active (and in that most people complaint that it is borring). And we have a Jokes thread and is almost dead. :confused:
Trying to raise the dead :D
Every day a man enters a bus at the same stop and anounces "The big John never takes tickets". The driver, being skinny, never dared to challenge him, but was very irritated. So he went to a gym and after training for 6 months felt confident that he could stand up to the big man. As usual John gets into the bus and anounces that he never takes tickets. The driver turned off the engine squared upto him and barked "Why not". "Because the big John have free pass!"
:D
In a local train, a teenage couple were having a chat...
Girl: Sorry dear, I can't come to the movie today. I have a headache.
Boy Kisses on her forehead.
Boy: How does it feel now
Girl: Now I feel betterAche's gone
After some time
Boy: Will you write notes for me in the class
Girl: Sorry dear, I have got pain in my hand
Boy Kisses her hand.
Girl: Wow! the pain's gone.
An old man sitting near approaches and asks the boy:
"Do you also cure PILES"!!!!
You know, your avatar looks exactly like a friend of mine.Quote:
Originally posted by Yves M
I would have thought that the next day the barber would have been summoned before court for unfair competition. ;)