Well, its a typical arranged marriage sort of case. No dates earlier, never seen her before. The hardest part was to say "Hi" to her, trust me, it really was :blush:Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarevok
Printable View
Well, its a typical arranged marriage sort of case. No dates earlier, never seen her before. The hardest part was to say "Hi" to her, trust me, it really was :blush:Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarevok
Correct, but in most of the cases (atleast what I've seen), they crashes. I've seen plenty of love marriages, with kick off start, but somewhere down the road, everything vanishes, creating much more complicated situations, besides in such cases, its not just you and your spouse that got affected, many others around you do as well and sometimes, causing some un-recoverable damages too.Quote:
Originally Posted by sreehari
Bingo!, you got it right. :thumb:Quote:
Originally Posted by sreehari
<with most innocent look>Quote:
Originally Posted by sreehari
I.....don't know...who is Kalinka :D
</with most innocent look>
even i have heard many ppl sayin that love marriages dont work and that arranged marriages do, are'nt there cases when the arranged marriages also end up in Caios ??? since the number of arranged marriages are more such failures are not noticed by many...Quote:
Originally Posted by Ejaz
:lol::DQuote:
<with most innocent look>
I.....don't know...who is Kalinka :D
</with most innocent look>
Hey buddy Congrates. So Now Hunting is stop and gals can freely walk on the read :p
Why Love Marriage Don't Work.Because before marriage l .You are Living like Lovers Full of joy is there in your life Attraction is also One of the major factor is there. you Will do all of the things what he or she likes.but when you got engaged all things suddenly changed before marriage you only know his/her Positive point but After marriage negative point comes in Picture.All attraction goes down .you will start thinking oh now he os she is mine so who cares. So it creates Misunderstanding between two Lovers so they become ex.
So i can say this Doesn't happen in case of Love marriage or Arrange Marriage it's all depends on your mentality and yes to ofund a perfect match is depend on destiny only.
i saw a lot of arrange marriage also Breakedup in a very short time. So guys Love is love and arrange is arrange it's depend how you treat the condition . and in this case Asian guys and gals are very Good because they Know That After marriage if some problem comes how to face it apart from this in western they follow western culture if problem come call to lawer for divorce.
That's all
Which basically means you are forced to marry the one chosen by your parents and that you are not actually allowed a mind of your own. (I'm only commenting on your note).Quote:
Originally Posted by sreehari
I don't want to get into statistics. Statistics are two-edge blade. I know things are different, and it's hard for me to understand. But I don't understand how somebody's parents could know better than the person herself who is a good pair/match for her/him.
Well, one reason why Parents make good-choosers is that they don't make a decision in a love-lorn or lonely status.Quote:
Originally Posted by cilu
They make practical decisions (or recommendations, to be more precise).
On the other hand, people who decide for themselves marry not only because they love each other but often because they are otherwise lonely, or because they don't see another way, or another option, or meet enough suitable people. Falling in love and marrying isn't always a rational decision, actually.
In comparison, arranged marriages are rational as they bring people with common interests, backgrounds and status together. Such people are automatically more likely to like each other or even fall in love, and these relationships are likely to last as they have many common factors that bind them together.
Besides, parents make a recommendation - not a decision. At least not in educated families.
Congrats Ejaz!! :thumb:
I think we already had a thread on Love vs Arranged marriage. Or was it some other forum?
To add my bit...
I think that children born and brought up in traditional families in India/pakistan see around them their parents, siters & bro-in-laws, uncle-aunties, brothers and sister-in-laws etc. who are married in the same way (arranged) and are hence themselves ready to get married the same way.
Its believed that the matches are made in heaven and are beyond the choice of one person.
Moreover, a chocolate (like me) has a better chance of getting cream in arranged scenario ;)
That was just a passing note that i made, :D tho ends up as reality most of the times. its not a person does not have his choice or openion, like Siddhartha put it a arranged marriage does not go foward unless the guy/girl gives a final yes.Quote:
Originally Posted by cilu
The question of forcing someone never actually comes into this, its about values / cultures / the way things have been happening before to our elders, after all this in mind its just tat no one actually finds it a problem or an issue at all.
probably when you become a father one day you will know :D ;) ( just kidding :D )Quote:
I don't want to get into statistics. Statistics are two-edge blade. I know things are different, and it's hard for me to understand. But I don't understand how somebody's parents could know better than the person herself who is a good pair/match for her/him.
Thanx :) , well apart of chating here, I never had any experience of female company ever, so they were safe all that time, and they will be offcourse :)Quote:
Originally Posted by humptydumpty
Thanx :)Quote:
Originally Posted by chmanish
I'm living proof of that ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by chmanish
@ others: Well, I'm not interested in the philosophies right now, but you guys can carry on, be my guest, I just burned my right ear because my cell got so hot while talking with her and I've to make some alternative arrangements for next time, which is more important at the moment. :cool: See u guys later ;)
Wish you good luck with that! :wave:Quote:
Well, I'm not interested in the philosophies right now, but you guys can carry on, be my guest, I just burned my right ear because my cell got so hot while talking with her and I've to make some alternative arrangements for next time, which is more important at the moment. See u guys later
I would say forget about this debate... Different cultures have it laid down differently...
I just want to wish Ejaz a hearty congratulations... this is special..
I don't want to steal your thunder but me got married too this June... :) Having a great time now... the marriage is really something that will keep you astounded in the times to come.. I don't even sometimes realize that is has happened.. it feels like a dream..
Have the best time.. have a nice wedding... remember us! ;)
What do you mean remember us? I hope Ejaz will continue to be a part of CG, and not leaving for good just because of getting married. ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by exterminator
It is a little bit tough to get married.. you always need someone for the emotional support... that is when he would remember us.. the married ones... :DQuote:
Originally Posted by cilu
Get a hands-free or a phone with a loudspeaker.. that can help with the burning of the ear thing.. but still it won't get easy until you guys start living together... ;) :D
Question: What is the first thing that Ejaz would want to know of his wife?
Answer: When is your Happy Birthday, dear? :D :D
Interesting topic, guys...
One one hand, I understand an can relate to Marius' amazement and concerns towards arranged marriages (from a European perspective), OTOH, Sid's explanations are, as usual, very good. :thumb: (And btw, you don't need to go as far as India or Pakistan to find these customs: Turkey or some north African countries will be sufficient, and even within the EU [like in parts of Sicily] arranged marriages are still common practice).
However, regarding this part:Exactly, and that's actually my point: These higher success rates are very likely to be rather an effect of other cultural influences that usually go side-by-side with the customs of arranged marriage, as they lead to a much higher social incentive for keeping up even an unhappy marriage. And that's the problem with those statisitcs: They don't measure how many of those marriages are actually happy, but only whether they visibly and officially fail or not (but that's basically what Sreehari already pointed out).Quote:
Originally Posted by Siddhartha
Historically, in central Europe, arranged marriages are usually regarded as an anachronism of the middle ages nowadays - however, the perception of love marriage as an ideal is relatively young, and is mostly based on the intellectual ideas which evolved in the period of Romanticism (during the late 18th century), although since much earlier (just think of Romeo and Juliet, published in 1595), the tragic situation of couples who were not allowed to get married out of love, but had to obey socio-cultural, economical or political constraints instead, imposed on them by family and society, has been the subject of countless screenplays and other works in European literature.
On the flip-side of arranged marriages, examples are not uncommon (in Germany!) of girls from Turkish families, who have been born and raised over here, are totally westernized in their ideals and behaviour, and have many friends (and maybe a boyfriend)... But then, at the age of 16, they suddenly get taken out of high-school and are sent to some remote village in the Turkish outback, where they get married with some bald fat guy who they've never seen before, only because their families have arranged this (and maybe her parents had some old favor to pay back to his family). :rolleyes: And that's the kind of scenario people usually have in mind over here when they hear the term "arranged marriage".
Hm... I've seen examples where this irrational impulse actually came from the families: They were starting to get worried about losing their face in their socio-cultural context only because their children weren't married yet, and relatives and neighbors started gossiping about that :rolleyes:... So the parents had the tendency to urge their children into a quick, but unreflected decision.Quote:
Originally Posted by Siddhartha
But I believe that this entire discussion would need to take place in the much broader context of whether, in a particular culture, happiness of the individual (the two persons getting married, in this case) is regarded as the most important absolute value, or if some other "higher" common ideal (be it family values based solely on socio-cultural or religious motives, or even political ones, like in totalitary regimes) impose on the individual the duty to postpone personal happiness in favour of some sort of "higher" goal.
// Just my 2 bytes...
We can have best of the both worlds. I think the urban areas in South Asian countries are gearing towards this.
1. The parents find the match. They give the children some time say 2-6 months or maybe more to get to know each other and if they find their match compatible, go along with marriage.
2. The boy finds the girl. They let their parents know about their relationship. The parents do some research on say family background and if they are satisfied go along with marriage.
OK, but really, why do we have to involve the parents at all? :p That's my question... Why can't the two people that get married arrange everything?Quote:
Originally Posted by miteshpandey
Thanx :)Quote:
Originally Posted by exterminator
Nice, but June is not a good time, you know, too much heat ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by exterminator
Having a great time now... the marriage is really something that will keep you astounded in the times to come.. I don't even sometimes realize that is has happened..
[QUOTE=exterminator]
it feels like a dream..
[QUOTE]
Same here.
Sure....I'm not going to Iraq or Afghanistan, it will be only a wedding, after 6-8 months ;) :DQuote:
Originally Posted by exterminator
Sure thing :thumb:Quote:
Originally Posted by exterminator
Well, in these cultures, one would be wise to choose a partner of the parents' liking too as -Quote:
Originally Posted by cilu
You see - in Asia (and probably some parts of Europe), it is not like two individuals mary. It is two families that marry.
- The son lives with his parents.
- The Daughter in Law to be will move into the son's home.
- The son's parents of course want the most amicable and suitable face they'd see every morning.
- The DIL's parents of course want their daughter settled into the most comfortable environment.
Marriage is not just a document in there... Serious. ;)
:lol: Wish if I could rate this ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by miteshpandey
Nice that you share those very interesting 2 bytes, Guido... :)Is it a problem with the statistics?Quote:
Originally Posted by gstercken
The definition of a "happy marriage" in these cultures far surpasses the individual happiness of the couple in question. In that sense, marriages in western cultures are very narrowly centered around the happiness of the couple only. In fact, very often even the well-being of the child isn't a major influencing factor.
So, it is very likely that a couple in the western society that feels unhappy would still be happily married in an Eastern environment where there is more than just a partnership at stake.
Actually, the western society IMO often confuses an "arranged marriage" with a "forced marriage".Quote:
Originally Posted by Guido
These really aren't alike and that example of the Turkish girl is one that I percieve as a forced nuptial arrangement - one that actually violates an individual's freedom. This isn't arranged marriage - though unfortunately, people here percieve it that way.
An arranged marriage when correctly done is quite like a dating agency - but, one where the agency is the society, the agents are the parents that seek a suitable partner, and the clients are the prospective brides / grooms that consent.
Could not agree more. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Guido
Perhaps, we are already getting into a broader context...
It's the same, or worst with gypsies. The parents setup the arrangements at very early ages of their children (like when they are 2-4 years for example). Girls usually get married at the age of 12 or 14 (the most). Any "respectable" gypsy girl has a baby by the age of 15. There was a scandal last year because of a senator's girl (if I corectly remember) getting married at 14 (the law here only permits girls to marry if they are over 16). Now, I don't see to much freedom in that kind of arranged marriages. Nor too much happiness. (I'm not saying that is the case in Asia, even less Ejaz's case; the discussion went in a broader area, that's all...)Quote:
These really aren't alike and that example of the Turkish girl is one that I percieve as a forced nuptial arrangement - one that actually violates an individual's freedom. This isn't arranged marriage - though unfortunately, people here percieve it that way.
Well, in Asia, families ties are considered very important. Marriage between 2 persons are not only the union of 2 hearts, bodies and money purses :D, but also all their families as well. So after the marriage, the couple still maintain a very strong family ties with their parents etc. As there are quite a number of factor, I believe that arranged marriage in India culture requires both families to tactfully mix and match to ensure that the marriage is successful. This is why they are looking for compatibilities in many areas, like families background, the person's character. I am not sure if there are similar saying but my folks alway tell me that if you want to know a person well, you have to know the person's friends first. In other words, with sufficient research and being done properly, arranged marriages can give better result rather than impulses of 2 love birds. On the contrary, if arranged marriage is being done on the impulses of parents without the appriopriate research, I believe the result will not be good. IMHO, I believe that it is the same as prior planning work in any software project. In order to ensure the success of the project, we have to do sufficient research as well as risk management. :DQuote:
Originally Posted by cilu
Cultural and social differences. Asian kids are more bound to the family and parents as a whole. I am 28 and still living with my parents in a joint family. In Europe and America you could find this very strange and even shameful. Not only marriages, but every major decisions I take involves the whole family. This could be both bad and good. I have seen cases even in my own family that if parents do not take the initiative and arrange for the marriage, the boy or girl is left unmarried for the entire life.Quote:
Originally Posted by cilu
You'would be surprised to know in marriages here not only parents are involved but from grand parents to uncles and aunts, close family friends come into action. To go along with the marriage, the proposal should pass with "No objection" along the entire family hierarchy.
But the scenario is changing slowly mainly in the urban areas where people are more literate and independent.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kheun
I definitelly agree that it's good to know the family and relatives of the person you want to marry. It's good to know the "background" of the person you marry. But, you should not forget that children are not accountable for their parents deeds, nor for their other relatives, and if something bad happened in the family it shouldn't stop you to marry someone, especially when she/he doesn't have anything to do with that. Don't know if you've seen the movie "Bend it like Beckham"; when I did, I was quite shoked on how much the familly "background", or other members of the family's deeds can influence a decision of marrying. If you've seen it, does it happen like that in those parts?Quote:
Originally Posted by miteshpandey
Well, one thing that I can tell you for sure is that I learned a few things from this thread.
Congrats Ejaz :wave:
May you both united together in the holy matrimony. God bless you both
Its not only that the Children are accountable for their parents deeds, sometimes even the parents are accountable for the childrens deeds. i would not call it accountability , ( it differs in different peoples views and how they look at things ) but , in cultures in this part , all this is more or less related , ones action will/ might influence others thinking. it could be because the society the culture plays a very important role.Quote:
Originally Posted by cilu
Frankly, here in india still intercast marriages are not fully accepted, let alone the family , the society is not ready to accept.
The movie , thats a tipical orthodox family of India :) , things like these used to happen in the past probably about 50 years back, were the women folk were to be inside the house it self, as they were the house makers. such things still happen in remote place , villages in some rural parts of india till date
Congratulations! :wave:Quote:
Originally Posted by Ejaz
Thanx :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Alpha Vijayan
Thanx :), btw any advice(s)? ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by Deniz
:ehh: is that question open for every one to ans or only for Married members ?? :) :cool:Quote:
Originally Posted by Ejaz
Well, this is a free/open development community, anything that is under AUP is acceptable and as Deniz is both senior and generous in giving advices (specially to engaged or guys getting married), so I just asked him. I remember his one advice to someoneQuote:
Originally Posted by sreehari
Secret of Safe Marriage Life: "Yes Maam, Ok Maam", thats all ;)
So, I was wondering, is there is something else stored in there. If you wanna contribute, then sure, be my guest :thumb: :D
My, my... wasn't it not long ago that you Ejaz asked me when I'll be settling down.. and look at you now.... engaged and getting married in six months or so... http://forums.codeguru.com/images/ie.../2006/06/1.gif
Yeah, some one told me that the time that I can have is one that I'm having right row, between engagement and wedding. Lets see, anyway I would still like to say that, blind men are not that bad, :cool: and the time that is gone, won't come back again :rolleyes: , so ....................... you know what I mean, yeah offcourse you do :pQuote:
Originally Posted by cherish
LOL!! http://forums.codeguru.com/images/ie.../2006/06/1.gifQuote:
Originally Posted by Ejaz
So... you're saying you really really like her, huh? That's really great. :) :thumb:Quote:
Originally Posted by Ejaz
// Just make sure she doesn't find out what [...] means. ;) :D
Well, not exactly, let me put it in a better way, I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really ......................... really, like her :cool:Quote:
Originally Posted by cherish
Well, sooner or later, I'll have to tell her about [...] myself. I'm sure, she'll be strong enough to take it, or Doctor Deniz Golden Theorm is there "Yes Maam, Ok Maam" ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by cherish
That's really^10 :thumb: :thumb:Quote:
Originally Posted by Ejaz
I am really so happy for both of you. :) :) And I have a feeling that she as a great sense of humor, so you won't be having any problem telling her out about [...] ;)
Thanx :)Quote:
Originally Posted by cherish
How told you that's a secret (though I know it under the version "yes darling")? That's widely known around the globe, so it's no secret. ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by Ejaz
Right....thanx :) got it :thumb: anything else? Well, actually I'm a total newbie here, so ....... :oQuote:
Originally Posted by cilu
Well, movies/tv series don't exactly tell about the society.. one shouldn't go by them... I think one guy from US asked me about elephants in indian marriages.. i thought - definitely he has influenced his view from the movie kamasutra.. that's past.. now even maintaining an elephant is tough.. India is such a vast country - its cultural diversity.. in fact I don't have much data to prove it but my view about whole of SE Asia is similar...
Movies are movies for you as well as us.. ! And the crap they show these days in Hindi movies or the Indian movies in english (few of them, not all) ... i can't talk about them.. they put in anything they want to... they make money .. people enjoy, people laugh .. that's it! But surely this is not true for all .. but Bend it like Beckham.. ooh.. <thinking again> yeah, that may be the story in some regions if not most part.. :D
Well, Ejaz, :D
6-7 months? that is pretty long.. How are you going to live? You phone bills will reach 5 figures if out of station else high enough in 4 figures (if local) :D
I don't know :o I never thought that it could be like that, may be I should turn myself into an ice cube for the next 6-7 months, like Silvester in Demolation Man :rolleyes: , but what if no body gets me out of after 6-7 month? :eek:Quote:
Originally Posted by exterminator
Then it will happen like in Forever Young (starring MEl Gibson) ;)... You'll be brought to life when she'll be in her 80s, with two gransons, and you'll age in a few days... On the other hand, look at the bright side: you won't have to tell her about the [...]. :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Ejaz
I say prepone the wedding.. :) ;) .. guys always have a say in that ... :D ladke wale kuch bhi karwa sakte hain :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Ejaz
Quote:
Originally Posted by cilu
Are you guys trying to scare me? :ehh: Well, one way or another, waiting for 6-7 months is the best choice, though hard, but still the best :(Quote:
Originally Posted by exterminator
You better quit smoking, just in case the lady doesn't like it "when you smell nicc 'o' tyne"
Trying that, but you know, old habbits die hard ;) anyway, thanx for mentioning that :pQuote:
Originally Posted by Sahir