"Why drink and drive, when can get high and fly?"
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"Why drink and drive, when can get high and fly?"
24 Hours In A Day, 24 Beers In A Case. Coincedence ¿ :confused: :D
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?"
He said...."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
Mark Lottering.
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Mark Lottering
Dictionary definition of a 'makeover show' - A modern type of television programme (often broadcast during the daytime) where they take a plain, fat girl and treat her to new clothes, new makeup and a new hairdo - and by the end of the programme, she comes out looking like a plain, fat girl with new clothes, new makeup and a new hairdo.
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff. - Mark Lottering
@John E - Thants a good one ....
I'm so ugly. I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. - Mark Lottering
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair. - Mark Lotering ....
My wife is so stupid, she thinks a quarterback is a refund...
"Plant Pots 4 Pot Plants" Outside a Pottery Shop .. I saw this one on my way home today...
Here's some more humour from the classified ads:-
Set of mixing bowls. Specially designed for cooks with rounded bottoms for efficient beating.
Goldfish for sale. Bring a suitable bag or bucket. Don’t just plan on sticking it in your pocket.
Antique desk. Suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Have your ears pierced today and get an extra pair to take home too.
2006 Suzuki 1000 motorbike. Quick sale needed because it was purchased without proper consent of the wife. Apparently, “do whatever the f*** you want" doesn't mean what I thought.
And the following four adverts which appeared on consecutive days in a Calcutta newspaper – each one hopelessly trying to correct the previous days’ mistakes:-
MONDAY: For sale - Vishanth has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 98407 16581 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him cheap.
******
TUESDAY: Notice: We apologise for our error in Vishanth's ad yesterday. It should have read, "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 98407 16581 and ask for Mrs Mani, who lives with him after 7PM."
******
WEDNESDAY: Notice: Vishanth has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of an error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale - Vishanth has a sewing machine for sale; Cheap. Phone 98407 16581 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who loves with him.
******
THURSDAY: Notice: I, Vishanth, have no sewing machine for sale. Sewing machine has been completely smashed. Don't call 98407 16581 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Mani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper but she has now quit!
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. - Mark Lottering
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. - Mark Lottering
"Dance like nobody is watching.... Pray that nobody is ..."
"Do you speak many languages?"
"Well, I can scream for mercy in about twenty, and just scream in several more..."
These aren't aimed at anyone! ;)
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race ¿
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support ¿
Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.
Whatever is eating you - must be suffering horribly.
Here's one from a billboard for A beding store called "Sofa King".. Read the following out loud, (but don't shout it..)
"Our prices are Sofa King Low!" ...
There is no such thing on earth as an uninteresting subject; the only thing that can exist is an uninterested person.
I saw this at the Fast Food place where i went to get lunch today...
Please Note:
Children can not be accepted as legal tender..
By order of management..
At the same fast food joint..
The keys to the burger safe are held by an outside security company.
"Theres already one god, stop applying for the position"
Genuine sign in a UK butcher's shop window:-
Watership Down - you've read the book, you've seen the film.... now try the pie..!
The truth is whatever gets the most applause. History is a lie agreed upon...
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I have no fear because I´m the baddest m'er f'er in the valley. - From a sig in another forum i visit...
Old age and treachery will beat youth and skill every time
Faith makes things possible not easy
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. - Mitch Hedberg
God knows everything, the teacher knows better
If I don't remember wrong that's stolen from Casualties of War and was said by Sean Penn.Quote:
Originally Posted by GremlinSA
I can't say for sure but this is said being true and from a commercial some (probably long) time ago.
"Relieve your wife. Nothing sucks like an Electrolux..."
Yup. http://msgboard.snopes.com/cgi-bin/u...1;t=001038;p=1Quote:
Originally Posted by S_M_A
Seems it was a commercial first displayed in UK in the 60's. Thanks Wizard for verifying. :)
If you think no one cares whether your alive, just miss a couple of payments on your car..
I just checked on the Movie site and your right... However i did see it first is a sig, and he did not list the original source .. ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by S_M_A
This SQL query walks into a bar and sees two tables sitting in the corner.
He goes up to them and asks "Can I join you?"
lolQuote:
Originally Posted by gremlinsa
Charles Darwin and God are up in heaven having a discussion. God says "so much for your theory of evolution!"
That's so hillarious! Please give your father a toy! Bhahahahaa
LOL! ROTF!Quote:
Originally Posted by GremlinSA
Brilliant! :lol: :lol:
Is that 'best' teacher handling students or businessmen ?
"I can't stand light. I hate weather. My idea of heaven is moving from one smoke-filled room to another.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
- George Carlin
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
- George Carlin