AAAh A joke(Lets share Jokes)

http://www.ntscmp.com/kevorkian.jpg

... crazy ...

This isn't really a joke but it made me think.... I found it on a UK discussion forum this morning:-

Imagine it was time to elect a new world leader and you have the casting vote. Here are the facts about the three candidates.

Candidate A - Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with an astrologist. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B - He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.

Candidate C - He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be your choice...........? Decide first... no peeking! Then scroll down for the result.



------------------- ----------------------- -------------------



Candidate A was Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Candidate B was Winston Churchill.

Candidate C was Adolf Hitler.


Makes you think before judging someone. Here's another one......


Imagine you work for an organisation that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse

* 7 have been arrested for fraud

* 19 have been accused of writing bad cheques

* 117 have either directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

* 3 have done time for assault

* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting

* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year...


Can you guess which organization this is............???


It 's the 535 members of the United States Congress!!

Two former border policeman are sitting in a bar in northern Belgium, swapping stories.
Jan: Do you know Hans, from Midkeurke?
Gerry: Hum, yes, the tall skinny fellow?
Jan: Yes that's him. When I was just starting out with the service, we had some problems with him. It went like this:

I was on the Belgian side of the border with the Netherlands at the time. There were a lot of drug smugglers, so we had to be very careful. Now, one day, I see Hans walking up to my border station with a large empty bag. I let him through and just give his bag a small look. It was indeed empty.

Now, the same evening, he comes from the other direction riding on his bicycle with a full, heavy bag. Naturally I was suspicious. "What's in the bag?" "Oh, that is just flower, I bought it in the Netherlands and it's too little to be declared". I made him empty the bag onto the big table, got the sniffer dog, but it didn't find a trace of cocaine. So I had to let him through.

The next day, he comes again walking with his empty bag. I search it thoroughly, not trusting the fellow anymore. It was empty though. And sure enough, in the evening when he cycles home his bag is cracking full. "What's in it?" "It's mostly grass and that doesn't have to be declared". "Grass?!?" that fellow was making fun of me. I was sure he was hiding some marijuana in there somewhere. So again, I emptied the bag on the table and got the sniffer dog. But there was nothing. Only dried grass from some meadow. I had to let him go.

And this ccontinued for a few days like that. He never had anything illegal in his bag when he came cycling through my border station. Finally, the mystery was resolved by the Dutch police. They arrested him when he was trying to steal a bicycle. It turns out that he had been smuggling stolen bicycles through the border.

I went to the doctor this morning and said "Doc, it hurts when I do this.."
The doctor said "Then don't do that!"
The nurse said "Doctor this man is homesick."
The doctor said "But that's impossible. How can he be homesick when he is here sick?"

Nothing more needs to be said...

Something sexy :D

http://www.computerhead.de/pics/pic_cp_898.jpg

cant stop posting sexy stuff

http://www.computerhead.de/pics/pic_cp_569.jpg

:D

nice :thumb: :thumb: :thumb:

A young boy asks his Priest if God is a man or a woman. The Priest decides to tease the boy and answers that God is both. The boy then asks if God is black or white. Again the answer is both. Next question, is God gay or straight. Once more the answer is both. The boy then asks "Father, is Michael Jackson God??"

[IMG][/IMG]not sure this had been posted before...

A good buddy, a cat and a rooster are going to a formal annual party

CAT : Hey Cocky boy.. don't you know the dress code for this party... no short pants..
ROOSTER: At least I don't let my balls come out..
CAT : What do you know about trends...look over there..(pointing to the bulls, lions,...etc)..and..more important... that's the DRESS CODE

2 days after...
ORBITUARY : For my beloved friend..COCKY ROOST..I am very sorry for all that happen back then...Whether you're in heaven or **** (**** I suppose)...don't do that again...It's hurt and even death when you try to pull you balls out..

Moral: Balls can kill you...don't play any ball...football, basketball..even in ballroom

Bush: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condoliza Rice: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, Sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, Sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, Sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, Sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, Sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General
of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, Sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China!
Condi: Yes, Sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China and the Middle East.

That is *old* :/

If you have good nerves:
http://www.think-strange.de/stuff/swf/thellamasong.swf

this thread shall not die... :wave:

STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his
mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of
the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes
out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think,
Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun
gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?" Pupil : "A teacher".

4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called
current affairs.

6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's
performance repeated".

8) Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and
stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?" Student : "Brotherly love".

9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before
eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

10) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of
ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've
treated. The others all died".

11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day
and at the same time."

12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's
Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father
didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

:P

Here's a funny,true, mind you, thing in a program:

if(value==0)
return value;
else
return 0;