AAAh A joke(Lets share Jokes)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Max Payne

good for you, some people got stuck for the rest of their life with the name they used to be called at home.. if your family still calling you 'bugs bunny', I'm sure your collegues or univrsity friends would call you that also.. :D if they ever been met your family of course..:D

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Thanks. :D It was the old folks who called me that, and gave each one of the kids at the house their own "nicknames" depending on their "best" features. :rolleyes: Being the eldest among my cousins, they don't dare call me that now. :lol: (Only sometimes, in playful banter. ;) )

Here's a joke I found:

Quote:

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There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears."

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// :D :D

Quote:

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There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

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Hahaha, lol. Thats awsome.

Some things to ponder... :rolleyes:

1.If all the nations in the world are in debt(am not joking. even US
has got debts), where did all the money go? (weird)

2.When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (to be given a
thought) :sick:

3.What is the speed of darkness? (absurd)

4.If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (very good
thinking)

5.Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows)

6.Can you cry under water? (let me try) :cry:

7.Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit
around all day? (i think they meant something else) :confused:

8.Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows)

9.Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell)

10.Can you get cornered in a round room? (by ones eyes)

12.Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight i will
stay and watch) :cool:

13.What came first, the fruit or the color orange? (seed)

14.If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? (No comments) :eek:

15.What should one call a male ladybird? (No comments) :blush:

16.If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they
remember that they forgot? (can somebody help ) :lol:

17.Can you blow a balloon up under water? (yes u can)

18.Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (strange isn't
it) :ehh:

19.If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your
radio would you be ! able to hear it? (got to think scientifically)

20.If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens?

21.Why is it called a TV set when theres only one? (very nice)

22.If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
core of the earth? (this is nice) :confused:

23.Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you
legally can't go that fast on any road? (stupid, break the law)

24. If drink & drive is not allowed why the hell they have
parking in Bars ??????

Quote:

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Originally Posted by cherish

Thanks. :D It was the old folks who called me that, and gave each one of the kids at the house their own "nicknames" depending on their "best" features. :rolleyes:

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yup ur right...when I was small everybody used to call me a...a... *sniff* it really breaks ur heart when u go back memory lane sometimes... :o

Quote:

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Originally Posted by leojose

yup ur right...when I was small everybody used to call me a...a... *sniff* it really breaks ur heart when u go back memory lane sometimes... :o

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There, there... *pat pat* I wonder if your heart can handle another stress, first it was half-melted, now its broken... :p :D

A secretary was leaving the office one Friday evening when she encountered Mr. Jones, the Human Resources manager, standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said Mr. Jones, "this is important, and my secretary has already left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the secretary. She turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said Mr. Jones as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

Evolution of the C programmer:

* 0 months to 1 month: complete beginner
* 1 month to 1 year: incomplete beginner
* 1 year to 2 years: acolyte
* 2 years to 3 years: adept
* 3 years to 8 years: expert
* at 8 years: discoverscomp.lang.c
* 8 years+: buggrit, back to beginner again !"

Not exactelly a joke but I find it brilliant:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...44027821122670

TOP JOKE IN WALES. A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

TOP JOKE IN ENGLAND. Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."

TOP JOKE IN SCOTLAND. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

TOP JOKE IN NORTHERN IRELAND. A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news".

"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.

The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."

"That's terrible," said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?".

The doctor replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

TOP JOKE IN UK. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

TOP JOKE IN USA. A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

TOP JOKE IN CANADA. When Nasa first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, scientists spent a decade and 12 billion dollars to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

TOP JOKE IN AUSTRALIA. This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...."

TOP JOKE IN BELGIUM. Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

TOP JOKE IN GERMANY. A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."




And...



After much research by British scientists, and with collaboration from many over internet polling, this was voted the funniest joke in the world:


Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Deniz

A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news".

"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.

The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."

"That's terrible," said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?".

The doctor replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

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I really liked that one. http://forums.codeguru.com/

An old couple decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor
tells
them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start
writing
things down to help them remember.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his
chair.
His
wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen" he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
she
asks.


"No, I can remember it."

She says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better
write it down because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so
you'd
better write it down!" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember
it!


Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got
it, for goodness sake!"

Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man
returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and
eggs.


She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?

In a football match between a team of a medical college and engineering college, one of the players of medical college was injured in a tackle and lay on the ground clutching his ankle. The coach felt confident that the team-mates of the injured player would administer any necessary treatment. yet there was a surprising reluctance to help him.
"Can't one of you medics see to his ankle?" asked the coach.
"Not really," came the reply. "We're all first year students and we haven't done the leg yet."

A fully booked plane was in the middle of its flight when the captain announced over the public address system:

“Attention passengers, this is your captain speaking. The aircraft seems to be overloaded. If we don’t get rid of some of the weight on the plane, we will have to crash land. So this is to inform you that all baggage is to be thrown out of the plane”

Later, the captain announces:

“Attention passengers, it seems the aircraft is still too heavy. We are going to have to throw people off the plane. Since we know there won’t be any volunteers, the only fair thing to do is to go by nationalities in alphabetical order.”

“OK – Letter A – will all of the African-Americans move toward the exit sign.”

No one moved.

“ Letter B – will all of the Blacks move toward the exit sign.”

Still, no one moved.

“ Letter C – will all of the Coloreds please move toward the exit sign.”

Yet again, no one budged.

A little girl nudged her mother and said, “But, Mom, I thought we were Nigerians.”

The mother said, “No baby. Not today. Today, we are going to be Zulus”

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.

"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.

"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots! Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first B-J."

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, Nothing will."

This is great for a quick laugh :-

Step 1 : Go to Goggle's Translation Site : http://www.google.com/language_tools?hl=en

Step 2 : Enter the following line into the translate textbox: Aishwarya's grand mom is nice and cool

Step 3 : Translate from English to Spanish.

Step 4 : Copy the translated text, and translate it back from Spanish to English.

Google Translation rocks !

This came from a prim and proper Jewish client of mine

Quote:

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A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says to the koala "Hey! what are you doing?"

The koala says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

The koala looks down and says

"Faaaaarrrrk dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

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I still havn't stoped laughing....

A motorist was driving down the highway and all of a sudden he hit a parrot. He pulled over, picked the poor parrot who was still alive but unconscious.
He decided to take him home. When the motorist got home, he put the parrot in a cage, leaving him some bread and water inside.

When the parrot regained consciousness, he looked around and said:
.
.
.
"BARS, bread, water...Oh my God!! I have killed the Motorist!!!

The little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of
many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and
went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said, "May be you should wear your pants backwards instead of your
collar".

A: what are your favorite hobbies?
B: playing music.
A: where do you that ?
B: in generation organismes :p :D :thumb:

Safe Crash

I got this one from an email just now. Not sure if this has been posted here yet:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by leojose

A motorist was driving down the highway and all of a sudden he hit a parrot. He pulled over, picked the poor parrot who was still alive but unconscious.
He decided to take him home. When the motorist got home, he put the parrot in a cage, leaving him some bread and water inside.

When the parrot regained consciousness, he looked around and said:
.
.
.
"BARS, bread, water...Oh my God!! I have killed the Motorist!!!

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GOOD ONE DUDE... !!:D:D:D:D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by leojose

The little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of
many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and
went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said, "May be you should wear your pants backwards instead of your
collar".

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Too good Leojose !!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jayender.vs

This is great for a quick laugh :-

Step 1 : Go to Goggle's Translation Site : http://www.google.com/language_tools?hl=en

Step 2 : Enter the following line into the translate textbox: Aishwarya's grand mom is nice and cool

Step 3 : Translate from English to Spanish.

Step 4 : Copy the translated text, and translate it back from Spanish to English.

Google Translation rocks !

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:D :D :D Good one... Did you find that by yourself?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jayender.vs

Too good Leojose !!

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Indeed.. I burst into laughter in front of all office people as I was reading this... :D :D

Computer Class :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by sunnypalsingh

Computer Class :)

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:cool: Woodstock now knows binary. :thumb: :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by cilu

:D :D :D Good one... Did you find that by yourself?

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Nope.. i got this from my friends through mail ... .. :D

share jokes share jokes..

Rest In Peace

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,

"Congratulations on your new location".

Exactly. RIP to VBF for a while. Color me RED
Inside scoop by PM only.

The webmaster is travelling by train and he heards:

... <td> </td> <td> </td> <td> </td> ...

This had to be a blond ????

Ever wonder why you have so many problems with windows..

Here is the Hidden settings page..

AHHH A joke.

thank God I'm using Windows XP...that was Windows 9x/2000 interface:p...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mrRee

thank God I'm using Windows XP...that was Windows 9x/2000 interface:p...

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LOL!! :lol:

The world's smartest man?

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.
"I'm the smartest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."

"You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mrRee

thank God I'm using Windows XP...that was Windows 9x/2000 interface:p...

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Perhaps it was WinXP with classic style interface. ;)

thank God I'm not using the classic style:D...

Now and Then (Bird Flu)

Lifestyle

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.

I got this email last week, but opened it just now...


This is pretty good....
Computer Humor [Fact or Fiction?]

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three
kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes
an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum
wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in
the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you
when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer
nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to
a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an
e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his
wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb.
crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy
corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the
tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more
that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with
several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.
By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into
the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he
acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but
before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left
their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is
buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community
college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and
employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice
trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the
boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless
and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a
million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.
Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new
circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order
to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer
and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't
have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if
you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be
sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour." .. . . . .

Which brings us to the moral of the story: Since you got this story by
e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

Sadly, I received it also.
:D

Hypothetical situation where 20 executives board an airplane and are
told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to
feature pilotless technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft.


Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's
software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of
the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of
excuse.


One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed.Asked
why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies: "If
it's the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane
won't even take off."


This is called Confidence in your own product

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Cherish

Which brings us to the moral of the story: Since you got this story by
e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

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I never got this in Email and now also I am reading it on this Forum so that means I am closer to being a millionare. :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Shuja Ali

I never got this in Email and now also I am reading it on this Forum so that means I am closer to being a millionare. :D

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...and that makes you my next best friend :D

Here is another one...

Code:

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One politician, One thief & One Programmer died & went straight to hell.

Politician said "I miss my country. I want to call my country and  see
how everybody is doing there."
She called and talked for about 5 minutes,
then she asked "Well, devil how much do I need to pay for the call????
The devil says "Five million dollars".
The Politician wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her  chair.

Thief was so jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I wanna call to
my group
members, I want to see how everybody is doing there too"
He called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he asked "Well,  devil
how much do I need to pay for the call????
The devil says "Ten million dollars".
With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit  back on
his chair.

Programmer was even more jealous & starts screaming, "I want to call my
IT friends too",
He called other IT person and he talked for twenty hours about  various
technologies and Project Managers, he talked & talked & talked,  then
he
asked "Well, devil how much do I need to pay for the call????
The devil says "Twenty dollars".
Programmer is stunned & says "Twenty dollars??? Only ??"
Devil says

"Calling hell to hell is local"

---

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ShujaAli

I never got this in Email and now also I am reading it on this Forum so that means I am closer to being a millionare. :D

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Give me your email address so I can send it to you. :p :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by cherish

Give me your email address so I can send it to you. :p :D

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I don't want to become a Janitor. :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Shuja Ali

I don't want to become a Janitor. :D

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LOL. :D

I knew that I'd hear about it if I posted an retort to that, so I didn't.
The joke is too obvious...