yeah, you should see it, expcially the "hot" part..:p
/hate to say this : don't you wanna see Keanu's "back side", you'll get that in this film.. :p:sick::D
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yeah, you should see it, expcially the "hot" part..:p
/hate to say this : don't you wanna see Keanu's "back side", you'll get that in this film.. :p:sick::D
George W bush goes to ****
One day in the future, George W Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to ****, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list,but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.
In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in ****.
"No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No,
I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was
Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Element : Woman
Symbol : Wo
Discoverer : Adam Edenwarden
Atomic mass : Accepted as 53.6 kg; isotopes vary from 40 - 200 kg
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered with thin painted film
2. Boils at room Temperature
3. Freezes without any known reason
4. Melts if given special treatment
5. Bitter if incorrectly used
6. Found in various states, ranging from metals to common ore
7. Ductile
8. Yields to pressure applied at correct points
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Have great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones
and absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
2. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known
reason
3. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation
in alcohol
4. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation
3. Very effective cleaning agent
TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when happy
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen
POTENTIAL HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to posses more than one, although several can be maintained
at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct
contact with each other
!!! WARNING !!!
PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE FINANCIAL
HEMORRHAGING AND MENTAL DISTRESS. BE CAUTIOUS !
NOTE:
New properties are still being discovered. Please wait for updates.
If you have found some properties not listed above, please advise us.
Found a similar joke on the web: ;) :p
http://www.jokemaster.com/jokes/gmen01.htm
My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
-Henny Youngman
----------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we
met.
-Rodney Dangerfield
-----------------------------------------------------------
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's
wrong.
-Milton Berle
------------------------------------------------------------
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,
"There was
water in the carburetor."
I asked her, "Where's the car?"
She replied,” In the lake."
-Henny Youngman
--------------------------------------------------------------
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-Henny Youngman
-----------------------------------------------------------------
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You
know, I
was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and
didn't notice."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
When a man steals your wife, there is no better
revenge than
to let him keep her.
---------------------------------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't
like to
interrupt her.
----------------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I
got myself two girlfriends.
---------------------------------------------------------
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided
not to
report it since the thief was spending much less than
his wife did.
-------------------------------------------------------
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is
finished.
----------------------------------------------------------
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does
it cost
to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still
paying."
----------------------------------------------------------
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of
Africa, a
Man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
---------------------------------------------------------
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married; then it was too
late.
------------------------------ ----------------------------
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."
--------------------------------------------------------
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a
millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the
friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,
----------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over
experience.
----------------------------------------------------------
It's not true that married men live longer than single
men.
It only seems longer.
----------------------------------------------------------
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was
almost
impossible.
------------------------------------------------------
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through
life Thinking they had no faults at all.
----------------
-----------------------------------------
A successful man is one who makes more money than his
wife
can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such
a man.
----------------------------------------------------------
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask
for
whatever he wants,
but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
The man thinks for a moment and says,” Okay, give me a
million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
---------------------------------------------------------
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for
marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
----------------------------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is
to forget it once.
----------------------------------------------------------
Hi Mathew,
Just curious to know whether u r married :rolleyes:
Well, at present no...BTW my posts are meant to be jokes...not exactly my views...mine are almost the opposite :)Quote:
Originally Posted by chmanish
:wave:
Here's another
If u TREAT her nicely, she says u are IN LOVE with her;
If u Don't, she says u are PROUD.
If u DRESS Nicely, she says u are trying to LURE her;
If u Don't, she says u don't dress properly.
If u ARGUE with her, she says u are STUBBORN;
If u keep QUIET,! she says u have no BRAINS.
If u are SMARTER than her, she'll lose FACE;
If she's Smarter than u, she is GREAT.
If u don't Love her, she tries to POSSESS u;
If u Love her, she will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?)
If u tell her your PROBLEM, she says u are TROUBLESOME;
If u don't, she says that u don't TRUST her.
If u SCOLD her, u are like a CHACHA to her;
If she SCOLDS u, it is because she CARES for u.
If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;
If she BREAKS hers, she is FORCED to do so.
If u SMOKE, u are BAD BOY;
If she SMOKES, she is a GENTLELADY.
If u do WELL in your exams, she says it's LUCK;
If she does WELL, it's BRAINS.
If u HURT her, u are CRUEL;
If she HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE!!
& sooo hard to please!!!!!
If u tell this to girls, they will swear that it's not true.......
but if u don't, they say u are selfish.....
The moral of the story is.......TELL THIS TO GIRLS OUT THERE ANYWAY...
Tell it to boys also, gives them some laughter ...
See the baby?
******** :D :D :D ********
A true story from the Japanese Embassy in US:
A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English
conversation training before he visits Washington and meets with president Bill Clinton.
The instructor told Mori "Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how are you'.
Then Mr Clinton should say, 'I am fine, and you?'
Now you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do all the work for you."
It looks quite simple, but the truth is.... When Mori met Clinton, he
mistakenly said "Who Are You?". Mr Clinton was a bit shocked but
still managed to react with humour:
"Well, I am Hilary's husband, ha ha..."
Then Mori replied confidently "Me too, ha ha ha.."
Then there was a long silent moment in the meeting room.
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi
border. To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body
of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road. A short distance
up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a
ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive.
They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him
what had happened.
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the
teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I
looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is an
unprincipled, lying piece of trash!' He looked me right in the
eye and shouted back, 'Bill Clinton is an unprincipled, lying
piece of trash too!'"
"We were standing there shaking hands in the middle of the road
when the truck hit us."
:p
This is a true story for those who are old enough to remember Word Perfect.... all those years ago.... :(
Now I know why they record these conversations!
(HD)= Helpdesk
(c) = Customer
HD) "Ridge Hall computer assistance, may I help you?"
(c) "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
(HD) "What sort of trouble?"
(c) "Well I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away."
(HD) "Went away?"
(c) "They disappeared."
(HD) "Hmmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
(c) "Nothing."
(HD) "Nothing?"
(c) "It's blank. It won't accept anything when I type."
(HD) "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
C) "How can I tell?"
(HD) "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
C) "What's a C prompt?"
(HD) "Never mind. Can you move your cursor around the screen?"
(c) "There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
(HD) "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
(c) "What's a monitor?"
HD) "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
(c) "I don't know."
(HD) "Well then, look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
(c) "Yes, I think so."
(HD) "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if its plugged into
the wall.
(c) "Yes it is."
(HD) "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were
two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
(c) "No."
(HD) "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable."
(c) "Okay, here it is."
(HD) "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back
of your computer."
(c) "I can't reach."
(HD) "Uh Huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
(c) "No."
(HD) "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
(c) "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's
dark."
(HD) "Dark."
(c) "Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming
through the window."
(HD) "Well, turn on the office light then."
(c) "I can't."
(HD) "No? Why not?"
(c) "Because there's a power failure."
(HD) "A power... A power failure. Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do
you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came
in?"
(c) "Well, yes. I keep them in the closet."
(HD) "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like
it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store
you bought it from."
(c) "Really? Is it that bad?"
(HD) "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
(c) "Well, all right then. I suppose. What do I tell them?"
(HD) "Tell them you're too f*cking stupid to own a computer!"
n nQuote:
" I married a widow who had a grown-up daughter. my father, who visited us quite often, fell in love with my step daughter and married her. hence, my father became my son-in-law, and my step-daughter became my mother. some
months later, my wife gave birth to a son, who became the brother in law of
my father as well as my uncle.
The wife of my father, tht is my step daughter, also had a son. thereby, i
got a brother and at the same time a grandson. my wife is my grandmother,
since she is my mother's mother. hence, i am my wife's husband and at the
same time her step-grandson; in other words, i am my own grandfather. "
let me fix this... :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Mathew Joy
If u TREAT her nicely, u are a keeper;
If u Don't, she says u are a jerk.
If u DRESS Nicely, she says u look nice;
If u Don't, she fixes it.
If u ARGUE with her, she says u are STUBBORN;
If u keep QUIET, she says u are stubborn.
If u are SMARTER than her... :confused:
If she's Smarter than u, she is GREAT.
If u don't Love her, she tries to win u;
If u Love her, she will marry you.
If u tell her your PROBLEM, she'll make you cookies;
If u don't, she says that u don't TRUST her.
If u SCOLD her, u are a jerk;
If she SCOLDS u, it is because she CARES for u. (and it's fun :D)
If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;
If she BREAKS hers, she is FORCED to do so.
If u SMOKE, u are BAD BOY;
If she SMOKES, she'll smell terrible all day and her teeth will stain and fall out.
If u do WELL in your exams, she says it's LUCK;
If she does WELL, it's BRAINS.
If u HURT her, u are a jerk;
If she HURTS u, she is a jerk