AAAh A joke(Lets share Jokes)

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says... "He should have quit while he was a head!"

BOOM TISH! :p

Hehehehe. That is just wrong. Good, anyways, though. :) :thumb:

Thats a very sad story...:cry:

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp ... between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeepers heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you mean a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute bwown wabbit over there?"

She in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees and says, in a tiny, quiet voice, "I don't think mt pet python weally gives a thit."

LOL. I guess people who wants to use that word here at the forums, should type it in lisp. http://forums.codeguru.com/

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Originally Posted by cherish

LOL. I guess people who wants to use that word here at the forums, should type it in lisp. http://forums.codeguru.com/

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I thought about censoring it but it would not have been funny... My apologies to anyone it may have offended. :D

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Originally Posted by Deniz

I thought about censoring it but it would not have been funny... My apologies to anyone it may have offended. :D

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If you had censored it, the reader (like stupid me ;)) might not get that the little girl said it in lisp... :D

Dilbert's Theorem on Salary:

Dilbert's Theorem on Salary states that engineers and scientists never earn as much salary as business executives, sales people & Management guys .This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following three postulates:

Postulate 1:
Knowledge is Power (Knowledge=Power)

Postulate 2:
Time is Money (Time=Money)

Postulate 3:
(as every engineer knows): Power =Work/Time

It therefore follows:

Knowledge = Work / Time
and since Time = Money, we have:

Knowledge =Work / Money.

Solving for Money, we get:

Money = Work/Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches

infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done.

Conclusion 1:
The Less you Know, the More you Make.

Conclusion 2:
This is the reason why your BOSS is paid more.

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Originally Posted by Deniz

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp ... between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeepers heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you mean a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute bwown wabbit over there?"

She in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees and says, in a tiny, quiet voice, "I don't think mt pet python weally gives a thit."

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This one is gold :D :D

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Originally Posted by Deniz

I thought about censoring it but it would not have been funny... My apologies to anyone it may have offended. :D

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I felt offended by that, Deniz!:D:p...

that joke was a weally weally good piethe of thit!!!!!:D...

Beware New Virus On The Rounds..

....

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Man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body t to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next
morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their
lunches,
Drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went groceryshopping,

Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balancedthe check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their
homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded
laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was
exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "Child, I feel you have
learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

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HaHaHa :) :thumb:

Good one Ejaz.. :lol:

:lol: :lol: nice one Ejaz

here's another one.

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once three guys A chain smoker, An alcohlic and a sex addict (gay) with a Doc.
The doc says to them in specific that if anyone ever has even one more they are bound to die. :eek: so the chain smoker , alholic and the addict are walking down the road , all depressed .. The alcoholic sees a Bar and says " I gotta have a drink , i am sure that nothin will happen if i have a sip " sayin this he walks into the Bar ,while his friends watch him from outside. inside the alcoholic just has a sip and :bump: he falls dead on the Floor.

seeing that both the chain smoker and the sex addict get more depressed and continue walkin.
After walkin a little further they see a half lit cigar lieing on the floor.
the Sex Addict says to the chain smoker " Well if you bend down to pick that up both of us are goin to DIE "

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Originally Posted by sunnypalsingh

Dilbert's Theorem on Salary:

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This was a rehash, see
http://www.codeguru.com/forum/showpo...&postcount=467

http://www.codeguru.com/forum/showpo...&postcount=468

http://www.codeguru.com/forum/showpo...&postcount=542

The Notes

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them could accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire.

So, they decided to go see their doctor to get some help. Their doctor told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple liked the suggestion and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.

When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"

"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."

"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"

"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top.

Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "

No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream." With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans and making lots of noise.

He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later. Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, where's the toast?"

this is the new meter using latest technology every cars should have.. :D

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Originally Posted by Max Payne

this is the new meter using latest technology every cars should have.. :D

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that was so helpful:D...

YOU ARE PROUDLY SOUTH AFRICAN WHEN...

1. You produce a R100 note instead of your driver's license when stopped
by a traffic officer.

2. You can do your monthly shopping on the pavement.

3. You have to hire a security guard whenever you park your car.

4. You can count the national soccer team's scores with no fingers.

5. To get free electricity you have to pay a connection fee of R750

6. Hijacking cars is a profession.

7. You can pay your tuition fees by holding up a sign at a traffic light

8. The petrol in your tank may be worth more than your car.

9. More people vote in a local reality TV show than in a local election.

10. People have the most wonderful names: Christmas, Goodwill, Pretty,
Wednesday, Blessing, Brilliant, Gift and Given.

11. Now-now can mean anything from a minute to a month!

12. You continue to wait after a traffic light has turned to green to
make way for taxis travelling in the opposite direction.

13. Travelling at 120 km/h you're the slowest vehicle on the highway.

14. You're genuinely and pleasantly surprised whenever you find your car
parked where you left it.

15. The last time you visited the coast you paid more in speeding fines
and toll fees than you did for the entire holiday.

16. You paint your cars registration on the roof.

17. Half your mail is guaranteed to reach its destination.

18. You have to take your own linen with you if you are admitted to a
government hospital.

19. You dial a toll free number and nobody answers.

20. You have to prove that you don't need a loan to get one.

21. Prisoners go on strike

YOU ARE PROUDLY INDIAN WHEN...

1. You produce a Rs 50 note instead of your driver's license when stopped
by a traffic officer.

2. You can do your monthly shopping on the pavement.

3. Your car parking charges are more than 5 times of what you would spend on petrol.

4. You can count the national soccer team's scores with no fingers.

5. To get paid electricity you have to pay a unofficial connection fee of Rs 750

6. Hijacking people (kidnapping) is a profession.

7. You can still not pay your tuition fees by stealing and selling the traffic light pole.

8. The petrol in your tank may be worth more than your car.

9. More people vote in a local reality TV show than in a local election.

10. People have the most wonderful names: Laloo, Mulayam, Rabri.

11. Now-now can mean anything from a minute to a month!

12. You continue to wait after a traffic light has turned to green to
make way for taxis travelling in the opposite direction.

13. Travelling at 40 km/h you're the fastest vehicle on the highway.

14. You're genuinely and pleasantly surprised whenever you find yourself safely back at home after a day's work.

15. The last time you visited the coast you paid more in speeding fines
and toll fees than you did for the entire holiday.

16. You dont need car registeration number if u put a red beacon light on top.

17. Quarter your mail is guaranteed to reach its destination.

18. You have to take your own linen with you if you are admitted to a
government hospital. Once admitted, no guarentee of returning alive.

19. You dial a toll free number and nobody answers and then you get charged for that call.

20. You have to prove that you don't need a loan to get one.

21. Prisoners go on strike

So many similarities ;)

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You have to prove that you don't need a loan to get one

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True everywhere in the world.

You are much braver and more adventurous,

In South Africa our Minister of Education is Withdrawing and revising alot of the old nursery rimes and story's..

Baa Baa Black Sheep - Is not PC (Politicaly correct) will become - Baa Baa Rainbow sheep

Postman pat - Has been revised, the black and white cat has been replaced by a multicolored Dog.

Humpty Dumpty - Completely withdrawn, Too much violence. Children will now be told that the eggs are hard boiled..

Ringa Ringa Rosies - Completely withdrawn, Don't like the idea of children Singing about death.

Noddy - Has been revised, no more mister Gollywog. This and his descrpition is considered a rasist remark.

Romeo and Juliet - Completely withdrawn, because Inter-ractial maridges are now legal.

SOUTH AFRICAN
Travelling at 120 km/h you're the slowest vehicle on the highway.

INDIAN
Travelling at 40 km/h you're the fastest vehicle on the highway.

MALAYSIAN
Travelling at 120 km/h you're the slowest vehicle on the Slow Lane of Highway.
Travelling at 40 km/h you're the fastest vehicle on the Fast lane of Highway.
:D

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Originally Posted by Max Payne

MALAYSIAN
Travelling at 120 km/h you're the slowest vehicle on the Slow Lane of Highway.
Travelling at 40 km/h you're the fastest vehicle on the Fast lane of Highway.
:D

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that was so true...............

Aha... so now we know where are you from... :D

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Originally Posted by mrRee

that was so true...............

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GOTCHAA!!! ;)

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Originally Posted by cilu

Aha... so now we know where are you from... :D

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isn't that too obvious already..;):p

:)

14 things a man can do at the supermarket while his wife is taking her time:

01.. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's trolleys when they aren't looking.

02. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

03. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies toilet.

04. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code 3 Housewares... and see what happens.

05. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on credit.

06. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

07. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department? and tell other shoppers you are sleeping over and invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.

08. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

09. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

10. While handling large knives in the Kitchen Dept, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are located.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.

12. Hide in a clothing rack .. . . and when people browse through, say: "PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"

13. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, hit the floor and assume the fetal position and scream "NO!...It's those voices again!!!"

And last but not least:

14. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while... then yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here

What a crazy husband.. :D http://forums.codeguru.com/

LMAO, nice one..:D:thumb:

Just got this:

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HOW TO ASK YOUR BOSS FOR A SALARY INCREASE?

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary...

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we! all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately.I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company .
I am$ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.


Your $$incerely,
Norman $oh



The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:


Dear NOrman,
I kNOw you have been working very hard.NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NO ticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United! States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad .

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNO w what I mean.

Yours truly,
Manager

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hahahah nice one :D :thumb:

this one is for all s/w programmers....The concept of Operator Overloading :wave: :D :lol:

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Originally Posted by sreehari

hahahah nice one :D :thumb:

this one is for all s/w programmers....The concept of Operator Overloading :wave: :D :lol:

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Too good man..

>> > HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY.......
>> >
>> > It's really not difficult...
>> >
>> > To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be :
>> >
>> > 1. a friend
>> > 2. a companion
>> > 3. a lover
>> > 4. a brother
>> > 5. a father
>> > 6. a master
>> > 7. a chef
>> > 8. an electrician
>> > 9. a carpenter
>> > 10. a plumber
>> > 11. a mechanic
>> > 12. a decorator
>> > 13. a stylist
>> > 14. a psychologist
>> > 15. a pest exterminator
>> > 16. a psychiatrist
>> > 17. a healer
>> > 18. a good listener
>> > 19. an organizer
>> > 20. a good father
>> > 21. very clean
>> > 22. sympathetic
>> > 23. athletic
>> > 24. warm
>> > 25. attentive
>> > 26. gallant
>> > 27. intelligent
>> > 28. funny
>> > 29. creative
>> > 30. tender
>> > 31. strong
>> > 32. understanding
>> > 33. tolerant
>> > 34. prudent
>> > 35. ambitious
>> > 36. capable
>> > 37. courageous
>> > 38. determined
>> > 39. true
>> > 40. dependable
>> > 41. passionate
>> >
>> > WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
>> >
>> > 42. give her compliments regularly
>> > 43. love shopping
>> > 44. be honest
>> > 45. be very rich
>> > 46. not stress her out
>> > 47. not look at other girls
>> >
>> > AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
>> >
>> > 48. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
>> > 49. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
>> > 50. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
>> >
>> > IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
>> >
>> > 51. Never to forget:
>> >
>> > * birthdays
>> > * anniversaries
>> > * arrangements she makes
>> >
>> > -------------------------------------------------------
>> >
>> > HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
>> > 1.Leave him in peace.

:lol: :lol: nice one maxi :wave:

Defination of distributed Computer Systems

"i cant work... because the machine i never heard of has crashed"

But why do men still love women despite all these things? :D

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Originally Posted by cherish

But why do men still love women despite all these things? :D

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we are just being kind ... :D :lol:

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Originally Posted by sreehari

we are just being kind ... :D :lol:

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:ehh: Nope. Guys are just baka. :D

// Kidding. :wave:

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Originally Posted by cherish

:eeh: Nope. Guys are just baka. :D

// Kidding. :wave:

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// by the way ....Whats Baka ??? :mad: :mad: :mad: :sick: :ehh:

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Originally Posted by sreehari

// by the way ....Whats Baka ??? :mad: :mad: :mad: :sick: :ehh:

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Baka (Romanji) = stupid, idiot. :D

// Kidding!! :wave:

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Originally Posted by cherish

Baka (Romanji) = stupid, idiot. :D

// Kidding!! :wave:

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ok you have not ans my post yet.... and i have not read anythin :wave:

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But why do men still love women despite all these things?

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thats one of the most mysterious thing in this world..:p

Fairy Tale

http://forums.codeguru.com/ Good one. :thumb:

Frying Eggs

The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home. He walked into the kitchen and immediately started yelling.

"Careful...CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! WE NEED MORE BUTTER! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK! CAREFUL! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!! USE MORE SALT!!!

The wife was very upset, "What is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like for me when I am driving with you sitting next to me."

there is no 'EGG' in 'EGGplant' or 'HAM' in 'HAMBURGER'.
there is no "APPLE" or "PINE" in "PINEAPPLE".
"ENGLISH" muffins weren't invented in "ENGLAND".
"FRENCH FRIES" weren't invented in "FRANCE".
"SWEETMEATS" are candies and not "MEATS".
"SWEETBREADS" are meats, but aren't "SWEET".
"QUICKSAND" can work "SLOWLY".
boxing "RING'S" are "SQUARE".
we "RECITE" at a "PLAY" &"PLAY" at a "RECITAL".
an alarm clock "GOESOFF" by "GOINGON".