Drinking Problem
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Drinking Problem
:eek: Max is now called "Maxi"?? :D Ain't that a nickname for girls?? ;) :D :wave:Quote:
Originally Posted by sreehari
@sunnypalsingh: Hilarious! :thumb: :thumb: http://geocities.com/che_rish2000/codeguru/rotfl.gif
Nice. I looked at the CARS thread yesterday, and saved the StretchVette, and today, this one! I'm trying to conserve on disk space, but both deserve kudos!
@sunny: nice one :wave:
This came after the "girls thread".. :rolleyes:Quote:
Originally Posted by cherish
@sriharee: stop that... you can call me Maximus instead..:D
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'.
Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.
The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where the money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The hood pulls out a large gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate ."
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."
nice one..
moral of the story, don't trust an interpreters..:D
10 commandments for 'working hard':
1. Never walk without a document in your hands:
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do;
2. Use computers to look busy:
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught - your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars;
3. Messy desk:
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives;
4. Voice Mail:
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel;
5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed:
According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
6. Leave the office late:
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays;
7. Creative Sighing for Effect:
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure;
8. Stacking Strategy:
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best);
9. Build Vocabulary:
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses.
Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
10. MOST IMPORTANT:
DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!
The C+-* Language
* pronounced "C, more or less."
Unlike C++, C+- is a subject oriented language. Each C+- class instance known as a subject, holds hidden members, known as prejudices or undeclared preferences, which are impervious preferences, which are impervious to outside messages, as well as public members known as boasts or claims. The following C operators are overridden as shown:
> better than
< worse than
>> much better than
<< forget it
! not on your life
== comparable, other things being equal
C+- is a strongly typed language based on stereotyping and self-righteous logic. The Boolean variables TRUE and FALSE (known as constants in less realistic languages) are supplemented with CREDIBLE and DUBIOUS, which are fuzzier than Zadeh's traditional fuzzy categories. All Booleans can be declared with the modifiers strong and weak. Weak implication is said to "preserve deniability" and was added at the request of the D.O.D. to ensure compatability with future versions of Ada. Well-formed falsehoods (WFFs) are assignment-compatible with all Booleans. What-if and why-not interactions are aided by the special conditional evenifnot X then Y.
C+- supports information hiding and, among friend classes only, rumor sharing. Borrowing from the Eiffel lexicon, non-friend classes can be killed by arranging contracts. Note that friendships are intransitive, volatile, and non-Abelian.
Single and multiple inheritance mechanisms are implemented with random mutations. Disinheritance rules are covered by a complex probate protocol. In addition to base, derrived, virtual, and abstract classes, C+- supports gut classes. In certian locales, polygamous derivations and ******* classes are permitted. Elsewhere, loose coupling between classes is illegal, so the marriage and divorce operators may be needed:
Operator precedence rules can be suspended with the directive #pragma dwim, known as the "Do what I mean" pragma. ANSIfication will be firmly resisted. C+-'s slogan is "Be Your Own Standard."Code:marriage (MParent1, FParent1); // child classes can now be derrived
sclass MySclass: public MParent1, FParent1 // define MySclass sclass
YourSclass: public MParent1, FParent2 // illegitimate
divorce (MParent1, FParent1);
marriage (MParent1, FParent2);
sclass YourSclass: public MParent1, FParent2 // OK now
Wow :lol: :lol: :)
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.
"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help; and you're in the same position as you were before we met, but now it's my fault!"
This is photo :D
http://www.iranmania.com/fun/pics/im...tual/moosh.jpg
SAMPLE OF A MODERN LOVE LETTER
Dearest Samantha,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since
Tuesday, the 17th of August 2001.
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 17th of August 2001 at
1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love
affair would be on probation for a period of no less than three months and
depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.
Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous
relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to
promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and
entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on
your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I
am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter,
failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I
shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward
this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Thanking you in anticipation.
Yours sincerely, Max
MODERN REPLY TO MODERN LOVE LETTER
Dear Max,
Please refer to your letter dated today. I am pleased to inform you that I
hope to accept your proposal for romance.
However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions of
acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction. However, please
enlighten me as to your retirement benefits. Gratuity should be generous.
I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security with regards to
this commitment. If there is any chance at all of retrenchment or
consequent disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary
compensation according to union standards.
Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you will agree that an expense
account should be arranged for my access in light of the 'VIP'. I shall be
entertaining. In addition, housing and transport allowances should be in
order and nothing less than a Jaguar is in order.
Please also note that there should be no moonlighting restrictions placed
on myself. If you are still interested in the relationship, please reply on
an urgent basis as other prospective lovers have sent indications of
interest.
Please also note that my sister is happily employed.
Yours perhaps, Samantha!
Secrets of Microsoft Word
no pissoir :D :thumb:
http://forums.codeguru.com/
Hi All,
Here's a link ... try out ur reflex times ..... really awesome .......
http://happyhub.com/network/reflex/
Btw, I managed 0.187
C if u can go faster .. & lets all share our timings ... :)
I managed to get a time of 0.046 :D It said that I had the reflexes of a snake :p
//I tried for about 20 times and it was just pure luck that I pressed the stop button at the right time :lol:
I got a few in the 0.2-0.25 range, but most of my hits were around 0.3 seconds.
I like the messages, "Keep practicing," "could be better." I wonder what the next one is.
I believe the human limit is about 0.1 seconds.
With my mouse at work I don't get less than 0.3. With the keyboard I get 0.28 and my mouse at home 0.25. Go figure ^^
This isn't right as it reacts on mouse up, not on mouse down, so natural reaction time is about 0.2-0.3, that is double of what it should be.
Nice trick ^^ With the mouse button continually pressed, I get down to 1.8.
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker followed me, the Boss said to her, "And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm obviously going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
Backup Now :)
i Recieved this via E-mail.. Author Unknown..
Quote:
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an @$$hole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word '@$$hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an @$$hole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic '@$$hole' calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the Caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an @$$hole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first @$$hole, ( I had his number on speed dial ), I thought I had better call the BMW @$$hole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an @$$hole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two @$$holes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be So, I came up with an idea.
I called @$$hole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an @$$hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"@$$hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, @$$hole."
Then I called @$$hole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, @$$hole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!"
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your @$$," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, @$$hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 4 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.
There I saw two @$$holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.
NOW, I feel better. Anger management really works.
That was too good. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Reminds me of the Simpsons when Bart got Moe to mess with Jimbo.
That is pretty funny
Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk.
The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks".
To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"
They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog
A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks."
He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.
He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."
SMART BLONDE JOKE
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks andNeeds to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Finally... a smart blonde joke.
What is a cat?
- Cats do what they want.
- They rarely listen to you.
- They are totally unpredictable.
- When you want to play, they want to be alone.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They expect you to cater to their every whim.
- They are moody.
- They leave hair everywhere.
- They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They are tiny women in fur coats.
What is a dog?
- Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
- They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but they don't hear you when you are in the same room.
- They growl when they are not happy.
- When you want to play, they want to play.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They are great at begging.
- They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
- They leave their toys everywhere.
- They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
People say I'm a joke.
So today I'm sharing me! COME AND GET IT!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHa
Sipho on his way to a Bring and Braai.. (BBQ)...
Gives Bring and Braai a whole new meaning!!!!
Sorry Ladies ;)
LOL!! http://forums.codeguru.com/
// Uhm... but what "driving skills" was she wishing for?? As in: car-driving skills? :confused: :rolleyes: :D
Hehehe :lol: depends :D
@sreehari: Okay, so what would it be then?
Okay, I just had to post this:
http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com.../lga060531.gif
well could be a tri-cycle :p :D
Now, why didn't I think of that?? LOL!! :D ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by sreehari
Recently a worldwide survey was conducted by U.N. The question asked was,
"Would you please give your opinion about the food shortage in the rest of the world?".
The survey was a huge failure.
In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.
In western Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.
In eastern Europe they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.
In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant.
And in U.S they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.
what about Asia ???
guess the survey people did not know that these is a planet :eek: :D called asia :D ???
Why is Six afraid of Seven ? Because 7 8 9.
The President, First Lady and **** Cheney were flying on Air Force One. George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."
Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Hell, I could throw all of them out of the window and make 56 million people very happy.
:DQuote:
Humans are so Dumb !!! it took 3000 years and then finally an apply to fall on their head to realise that , we and everythin else are stuck to something :D
A Lesson to Learn
A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it.
He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there.
However, the cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.
The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.
He kept increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept coming home before him.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge,
then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.
An hour later.... The man calls his wife at home and asks her, "Jen is the cat there?"
"Yes, why do you ask?" asked his wife.
Frustrated the man said," Put that **** cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions to reach home!!!
VIRUS ALERT
There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by
hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If
you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else
via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life
completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take
two good friends to the nearest bar. Purchase the antidote known as
Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE) or
Bothersome-Employer-Eliminator-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote
repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
I'm sure you cannot press the button
http://img252.echo.cx/img252/8159/006wo.swf
:lol:hahah!!!...:D:DQuote:
Originally Posted by sunnypalsingh
why did I find it's amusing?...or is it just me?:rolleyes:...