I had to go thru twice, but was dissapointed. Maybe I should have turned on JAVASCRIPT? I was expecting more...
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I had to go thru twice, but was dissapointed. Maybe I should have turned on JAVASCRIPT? I was expecting more...
God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth. Man 1: Please God, I can''''t count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.
God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves.
Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!
God: My man, I am ashamed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.
Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out three times a week, and...
God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!
Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.
Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You''''re acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!
Man 3: "I just saw my wife on rollerskates!"
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, "Gonzales said. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good. He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ''It's in his sleeve!''
The magician chased the bird away.
The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ''It's in his pocket!''
The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.
The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.
They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ''I give up, what'd you do with the ship?''
// BONUS - This reminds me of a great -
//Mitch Hedberg Quote
- Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"
A chinese went into a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter he was amazed to see that he was sitting next to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg.
After a round of beer the chinese sensed that the famous director was glaring at him. Suddenly in a flash the chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious punch from the director.
Picking himself up he yelled, "What the hell was that for?"
The director ranted, "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbour, My dad perished in that bombing!".
"I am not Japanese. I am Chinese!".
"Yeah yeah yeah..... Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, You are all the same." retorted Spielberg.
Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and ordered a double from the bartender. A few seconds later the Chinese turned round, and delivered a mighty punch to the director, sending him flat onto the floor.
"What was that for?", exclaimed the director.
"That's for sinking the 'Titanic'. I had ancestors on that ship!", the Chinese replied.
"You ignorant man, Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!", shouted the director.
"Yeah yeah yeah.....Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg...you are all the same!!".
Don't ever touch me when I am nude or you'll get electric shock
Bill (on the phone): you busy?...
Bob: no, I'm at work...
A man and his wife, both 60 years old, are celebrating their 40th year of marriage.
A fairy decides to realize two whises, one for the man and one for the wife.
Well - says the wife - I would like to do a new honeysmoon around the world. So the fairy creates tickets for the trip, travellers cheques and so on...
Well - says the man - I would like to have a wife 30 years younger than me. So the fairy grows up man's age to 90 years.
Please notice: men are bad, but fairies are women...
How many fairies are there ? :)
men are monkeys.
[edit] sorry, i am used to "normalization", "no-rules", "non-special", "borderless"...
I never say a dirty word whenever i get mad because perhaps I am a monk
hypocrite !
:) :)
:d :d :d
Software Engineering Explained
http://2listnow.com/googleimage/soft...d1r550x413.jpg
hehe one of our engineer printed this and put it in the notice board.. many people ask who posted it, but only a few knows, he quit already, but the post is still there..:p:DQuote:
Originally Posted by ovidiucucu
I have "broadcasted" it to everyone in the company, including to the management and to the clients.Quote:
Originally Posted by Max Payne
No problem, they know the situation wery well, and I'm still here. :D
Idiot :)
Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared
for the worst answer.
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness
to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs.Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams.I've know you since
you
were a young boy,and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper
pusher. Yes, I know you. "
The Lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and ! asked,
"Mrs.Jones. do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr.Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a
drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his
law
practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention
he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your
wife.Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet
voice, said,
"If either of you **** asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for
contempt."
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.
He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, that'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost
so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C very fast, tight
code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage.
"That one's even more expensive! $10,000!
What does it do?"
"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey;
it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java.
All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey
in a cage of its own.
The price tag around its neck read $50,000.
The gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more
than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied,
"Well, I haven't actually seen it doing anything, but the other monkeys call him the project
manager."
Monkeys doing programming! That is rich! LOL
After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no recommendation and that the Company is not doing anything about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying;
My friend, you have not worked here for even one day.
The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.
Manager:- How many days are there in a year?
Man:- 365 days and some times 366
Manager:- how many hours make up a day?
Man:- 24 hours
Manager:- How long do you work in a day?
Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.
Manager:- So , what fraction of the day do you work in hours?
Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3 (one third))
Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?
Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)
Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?
Man:- No sir
Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days
Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days,
how many days do you now have?
Man:- 18 days.
Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?
Man:- 4 days
Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager: - Do you come to work on workers day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 2 days sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 1 day sir!
Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- None sir!
Manager:- So, what are you claiming?
Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that I was stealing Company money all these days.
Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!
HR=HIGH RISK
:lol: :thumb: :thumb:Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarevok
Santa Singh goes for a job interview for mechanic's post.
In the interview, interviewer asks : How does an electric
motor run?
Santa: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr.....
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Santa: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup ... gudup
A junior Software engineer, a senior Software engineer and their PM
are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come
across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost
says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I
will allow one wish each".
So the eager Junior Software engineer shouted, I want the first wish. I
want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff
and he was gone.
Now the Senior Software engineer could not keep quiet and shouted " I
want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails.
"Pfufffff and he was also gone.
The PM calmly said," I want these two idiots back in the office after
lunch at 1.30pm"
Moral of the story is: Always allow the bosses to speak first"
Ya Right...:)
Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office… but she
belonged to someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said:
" I'll give you a $1000 dollars if you let me screw you...."
But the girl said NO.
Johnny said " I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time
you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend.....
So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says "Ask him for $2000 dollars, pick up
the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for
his girlfriend to call.
Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks
what happened......
She said "The ******* used coins!!!"
Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety
before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
Let me translate this one for you: on the top, with pink paint, it reads: "Spring of Happiness". On the wooden tag it reads "Out of Service". Seems that the spring was depleted. The world must be already full of joy and happiness.
This is for everyone dreaming of getting married.
*Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!! - Anonymous
*An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie
*Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. - Oscar Wilde
*Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. - Scottish Proverb
*I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. - Sam Kinison
*A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Anonymous
*Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too. - H. L. Mencken
*Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. --H. L. Mencken
peejavery - Are you paying attention to this?
Yes!Quote:
Originally Posted by Sabin_33
// 4 days.
That's incredible... I just realize that the title of this thread is "ahh, A joke(Let's share Jokes)" and not "0xAAA, A joke..." as I always thought... Though, I didn't understand well why there were this hex number in front of the title... I had seen that as a subtle reference to the AAA x86 assembly instruction.
Excuse me for the off-topic post.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That is one of the funniest things I have read in this thread yet.
:lol: :D ....Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperKoko
Well, that's obvious, we must standardize that!Quote:
Originally Posted by exterminator at [url
I propose:
std::set<T>::size() shall returns A+number_of_elements_in_the_set*B(T)+log_in_base_two(number_of_elements)*C
A is an unspecified value, no greater than Alpha.
Alpha is an implementation-defined value that shall be positive or equal to zero and doesn't depend of the instance of std::set nor of the type T.
C is an unspecified value that shall be smaller than Gamma.
Gamma is an implementation-defined value that does not depend on the instance of std::set nor of the type T.
B(T) = max(E, sizeof(T)*F)+G
E is an implementation-defined value, independent of type T and of the set.
F is an unspecified value that shall not be strictly greater than 2.
G is an implementation-defined value that doesn't depend on T or the set.
A C D E F G can be non-integer values, but all the implementation-defined values described above shall be integer values, and the resulting size() returned value shall be an integer value.
The mechanism by which a floating point value is converted to an integer value shall be achieved through an implementation-defined combination of one or more of the following mechanisms:
- The resulting floating-point value of the full calculus is rounded through an implementation-defined mechanism to an integer such as |integer-float| < 1.0
- At the exact point where the floating point value is multiplied by an integer value, the resulting value is rounded down to the greatest integer not greater than the floating point.
All these values shall not be complex values.
None of these values shall be strictly negative except A, and only in cases where the resulting size() before the application of the rounding #1 (in the case where the implementation systematically applies this rounding, but not in cases where the implementation doesn't apply this rounding, or does not do it inconditionally) is greater or equal to 1.
size() shall returns a strictly positive integer value.
If one of A, C, D, E or F is zero, the implementation should document when these values are equal to zero, and in particular if one of them is inconditionally equal to zero.
The accuracy of the floating point calculus is unspecified but the implementation shall document the minimum precision for each individual operation (multiplication, addition or log_in_base_two).
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying.
Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, "Peter, come hither!" Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, "Peter, come hither!"
So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and chops Peter's arm off. Peter is getting a little pissed and wants to go back to his buddies, but again Jesus summons.
The roman guard can't believe that Peter is trying yet AGAIN to climb to the cross, and chops off another arm.
Peter is now covered in blood and demented from the blow to the head and wants to call it a day. Jesus hoarsly croaks, "Peter, please, come to me!"
By now, the roman gurad is tire of chopping limbs, so he lets Peter be.
The faithful disciple struggles to climb the cross (without arms mind you)and after hours he arrives at his Lord's side. Hurting, suffering, bleeding, Peter looks into his Master's eyes and asks, "yes, Lord. What is it!"
Jesus smiles lovingly and looks off into the distance as a weak smile plays across his face, "Look Peter, I can see your house from here!"
Things to do in an elevator
1. When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.
5. Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
6. Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
7. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8. Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an apointment.
9. Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
10. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
11. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
12. Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
15. Swat at flies that don't exist.
16. Tell people that you can see their aura.
17. Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.
18. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
19. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
20. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
21. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
22. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
23. Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".
26. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passnegers, "This is MY personal space!"
:lol: no better way of startling others :eek: :eek: :D
You should try it even once.:D I already have tried number 6 (the pen thing) :lol: it took me a lot of courage to do it. :eek: :D I'm trying to do the "group hug". I bet its a lot of fun.:DQuote:
Originally Posted by sreehari
8 is just great, smells Monty Python
3 is something that I will try to do some day, I want to see people's faces :D
20 is just hilarious, so easy to do, so much fun :D
My friend used to say to people when getting into elevator: 'You will see, we will get stuck'. Like three times he was right :)
25 is dam funny :lol: :)
I already do number 18
Hey guys jokes make me laugh...
Some Interview Questions
Story I
E: Do u have a boyfriend?
C: I have.
E: Is he working Locally?
C: No. He is working Overseas.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u !
C: Why?
E: U will not be able to settle down here permanently. And my company don't want to pay extra expenses on the Overseas calls just because of
u.
Story II
E: Any girl friends?
C: No.
E: So far chased any before?
C: Have, but not successful.
E: Ever think of getting a job first then start looking for a girlfriend?
C: Career is first priority. Currently didn't want to consider Thispersonal issue.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u.
C: Why?
E: You are lacking of P.R skills and confidence!!
Story III
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she pretty?
C: Not quite.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you.
C: Why? Will this affect your company's reputation?
E: No, it does not affect the company's reputation but because my company is dealing with arts, our company requested an artist.
Story IV
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she pretty?
C: yes
E: Is she your first lover?
C: Yes.
E: Sorry, we can't employ you because you lack of fighting spirit.
Story V
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she your first lover?
C: No. Have a few already.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you because you are a "grasshopper"! (Job hoper lah!)
Story VI
E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is he rich?
C: No.
E: Then sorry, my company cannot employ you because our company is dealing with money and you will seduce.
Story VII
E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is he rich ?
C: Yes, very rich.He owns a company.
E: Sorry, we cannot employ you because your boyfriend don't even want to employ you, neither do we!
C: But,...... there is no position in his company.
E: Then,..... what is your qualification?
C: Secretary!
E: Sorry, we still cannot employ you because your prettiness Will affect your managers' working spirits.
C: But,...... I am not pretty at all.
E: It is even worse......
I think this died... this not funny
Lets bring the laughter back.
If we all can work together funny will become part of our vocabular again! YAH~!
I was born in a suburb West LA
We didn't stay there very long, but by the time I was 6 I was already in gang, we known as the Mario BROTHERS
Our rival gang the Koopa troopa's had kidnapped my sister. But this was no video game, and that was the last time I saw her.
[AHHHAHAHA Joke]
Somebody once told "Ahhh, Foldgers in my cup THAT's the best part of waking up", I think it was George Bush or Donald Trump. And to think I always thought the best part of waking up was going back to sleep.
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the actual brain yourselves.."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded,
"$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure.
We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
Ouch that one hurts me thinks I feel hungry now
A guy walks into a bar with his dog. The Detroit Lions are playing football on the TV. Suddenly the Lions score a touchdown and the dog goes wild. He runs around the bar barking and jumping up in the air. Fifteen minutes later the Lions score again. The dog does it again. He runs around the bar barking like an idiot. Somebody asks "Gee, what does the dog do when the Lions win". The man says "I don't know. I've only had the dog for five years".
Substitute your favorite losing team into the above and you can tell this again.
Sigh. Someday.
Time to revive this thread.
I received this in an email. Don't know if it's true though.
Quote:
Originally Posted by from mail