AAAh A joke(Lets share Jokes)

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A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when
this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives
the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and
walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the **** was
that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the
last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough
I want a divorce!" "I can
understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a
divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering
in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in
the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just
then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his
arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress,"
says her husband. "Oh really, well I think ours is prettier," she
replies.

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ha ha ha...

Ever heard of the county song "Cadillac Tears"?
http://www.coquet-shack.com/lyrics/D...Tears_1403.php

Nops, i havn't. But anyways here is another one...

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The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background
checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three
finalists...two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our
instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you
will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!" The man said, "You
can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man
came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging
on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly
and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said,
"This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the
chair."

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Now THAT is funny!! pmsl @ that!! :D

I may not have this correct but I'm submitting from memory (heard this one a long time ago).

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A guy walks into a bar and bets the barkeep 50 bucks that he can bite his right eye. The barkeep thinks this is impossible and accepts the bet. The guy takes out his glass eye and chomps down. The barkeep grudgingly hands over a fifty.

Later, the guy comes back and bets $50 he can bite his left eye. The barkeep doesn't think the guy could have two glass eyes so accepts. So the guy takes out his false teeth and nibbles his left eye. Pissed of, the barkeep surrender another fifty.

The guy comes back and says its only fair that he give the barkeep a chance to win his money back. So he bets $100 he can pee into a glass from 15 feet away. The barkeep knows this is impossible so he measures out 15 feet, sets down a glass and the guy proceeds to pee at the cup but naturally gets everywhere but in the glass. The guy smiles and returns the hundred bucks. The barkeep is happy to have gotten his money back, but asks why the other guy is smiling. The guy replies, "I bet those guys over there $1000 that I could pee all over your bar and you'd be happy about it."

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That's funny!! (I've heard it before and you did tell it right!)

How about this one:

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A man with a duck under his arm walks up to his wife and says "This is the pig I've been screwing".

The wife looks up and says "That's a duck not a pig, stupid"

The man says "I WAS TALKING TO THE DUCK!"

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Yesterday, scientists for Health in Canada suggested that the results
of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The experts recommended that men take a look at their beer consumption and consider adjusting their intake.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.


:D

Diary of a quitting smoker



Day 1: Sh!t.

Day 1 again only the next day:

Have tried to kill husband twice. Decide against washing dishes as always have cigarette when done. Same for bathroom. Am suddenly thinking this has upside. Eating dried fruit, apricots, pears, and brown things that look like squished roaches, which remind me of doobie roaches, which remind me of cigarettes. Watch husband light a cigarette; look at him pitifully. Eat leftover beans from last night - that'll show him. Walk by computer and wave occasionally. Can't sit and write or surf as this has been main smoking area. It's about four-o' clock now; I could have just one, I could have just one, I could have just one. That's Mr. Nicotine. He lives with me; 'he' could be a chick, but frankly, right now, I don't frigging care. Decide to play fantasy game on Playstation. Spend next three hours breeding Chocobos so game hero can save world. World doomed in my opinion.

Day 2, morning:

Woke up two hours earlier than usual. Great; two extra hours of fencing practice with the RJ Reynolds Company and spawn. Seriously considering finding some hallucinogens as never had desire for nicotine during a really good walk through a wall. Woke up six times during night to pee because I drank four gallons of water "to assist my system flush poison." Am feeling unusually testy as result of lack of sleep and deep-seated oral fixation fantasies. Decide to either kill or have sex with mail carrier when post arrives. Probably both.

Day 2, afternoon:

See husband off to airport for business trip. Clean closets. Nothing new in mail. Did all laundry out of necessity - body of dead mail carrier would not fit in dryer otherwise. Put in extra dryer sheets (Arm and Hammer, biodegradable.) Decide to take walk. Meet neighbor who asks if mail came yet. She is smoking a cigarette. I tell her no out of spite.

Day 3, morning:

Go through dead man's mail bag; keep catalogues for joyous Christmas shopping. Feed rest down garbage disposal.

Day 3, Afternoon:

Call garbage disposal repair.

Day 4:

Receive visitor. Police looking for missing mail carrier - received anonymous tip from garbage disposal repair person. Make coffee and offer fat-free cookies and dried fruit. Arrange dried fruit to make smiley faces on plate. Police officer asks if I mind if he smokes. Burst in to tears. Confess.

Day 472:

Sentenced to death in murder of Postal Employee. ( Federal crime.)

Day 478:

Beaten by seven large women in prison for having no cigarettes to trade. Able to sing better now; make up prison blues songs.

Day 552:

Receive divorce papers: husband marrying tobacco heiress. Cell-mate offers to have ex husband whacked. Wants twelve cartons of cigarettes and one pair Doc Marten boots. Decide husband will live as price too steep.

Day 558:

Secure two cartons of cigarettes for payment to cell-mate to have defense attorney whacked. Feel better.

Day 691:

Served last meal - minister asks if anything wanted at last moments. Think back to how good cigarette after meals used to be. Request one last smoke. Minister reluctant, no smoking in federal building, but sneaks one in. Sit back, relax, smoke. Ahhhhh. Feel slightly dizzy, giddy, euphoric. Warden enters cell excitedly; Governor issues full pardon due to new Federal "It Takes a Village" crimes statute: allows for defense appeal of insanity by reason of severe nicotine withdrawal.

Day 1: Sh!t.

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Originally Posted by Vaderman

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

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So how long have you been single? :D

u asking? ;)

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Originally Posted by Vaderman

u asking? ;)

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LOL
not with you're attitude about women! ;)

Besides, I'm with NoHero for the nonce...

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Originally Posted by gurleygirl

Besides, I'm with NoHero for the nonce...

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One more to invite at the marriage and after show party :)

I'll add his name to the list

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Originally Posted by gurleygirl

I'll add his name to the list

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Otherwise bouncer* Mick will kick him off :D

*door steward for the British one's here

people said : TIME IS GOLD
everyone said : GOLD IS YELLOW
but everyone know : SH!T IS YELLOW
so I said :TIME IS SH!T

/back then in school, my teacher ask me one stupid question "I had a pen..The pen is black..so...",
my answer is "black is pen". She told me that was wrong as the answer is "My pen is black"...am I so thick or I can't have a clear thinking because she's so darn beautiful...yes..so darn beautiful...yes..so.....(repeating infinitely = infinitely beautiful...:D)