AAAh A joke(Lets share Jokes)

Lets bring some more jokes here: I got this in an e-mail :

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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and
starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a persons hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person.You and your kind continue to perpetuate
discrimination against not only blondes, but
women in general, and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little sh!t
on your knee!"

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A couple had been married for a long time and the wife's birthday was coming soon. She told her husband that she wanted to see, in the driveway the next morning, something that would go from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds. The next morning she rushed to the driveway and found a bathroom scale.

Let me share a classic Singaporean joke.

When a English man farts in the public, he would say "Excuse me, excuse me!".

When a French man farts in the public, he would say "Pardon me, pardon me!".

When a Singaporean man farts in the public, he would frantically wave his hands and say "Not me! Not me!".

- Please, think carefully before answering.

- Okay, go on, ask your question.

- What is the worse thing in our time: ignorance or indifference?

- Well, ..., I don't know and I don't care!

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What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?


Full.

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I liked it...

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Originally Posted by CBasicNet

Let me share a classic Singaporean joke.

When a English man farts in the public, he would say "Excuse me, excuse me!".

When a French man farts in the public, he would say "Pardon me, pardon me!".

When a Singaporean man farts in the public, he would frantically wave his hands and say "Not me! Not me!".

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and the iranian tells it is because of my son and starts bitting his son on the public :D

Got this one in a mail...



The Pastor's A$S

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race, and it won again.

The local paper read: Pastor's A$S out front.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.

The next day, the local paper headline read: Bishop scratches Pastor's A$S.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: Nun has the best A$S in town.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: Nun sells A$S for $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: Nun announces her A$S is wild and free.

Alas;...... The Bishop was buried the next day.

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Church Bells

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

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EDIT: Replaced it

Note quite a joke but gave me a good laugh....

http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r...TI_468x376.jpg

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Bus drivers have nicknamed a white cat Macavity after it has started using the No 331 several mornings a week.

The feline, which has a purple collar, gets onto the busy Walsall to Wolverhampton bus at the same stop most mornings - he then jumps off at the next stop 400m down the road, near a fish and chip shop.

The cat was nicknamed Macavity after the mystery cat in T.S Elliot's poem. He gets on the bus in front of a row of 1950s semi-detached houses and jumps off at a row of shops down the road which include a fish and chip shop.

Driver Bill Khunkhun, 49, who first saw the cat jumping from the bus in January, said: "It is really odd, the first time I saw the cat jumping off the bus with a group of passengers. I hadn't seen it get on which was a bit confusing.

"The next day I pulled up on Churchill Road to let a couple of passengers on. As soon as I opened the doors the cat ran towards the bus, jumped on and ran under one of the seats, I don't think any of the passengers noticed.

"Because I had seen it jump off the day before I carried on driving and sure enough when I stopped just down the road he jumped off - I don't know why he would catch the bus but he seems to like it. I told some of the other drivers on this route and they have seen him too."

Since January, when the cat first caught the bus he has done it two or three times a week and always gets on and off at the same stops.

Passenger, Paul Brennan, 19, who catches the 331 to work, said: "I first noticed the cat a few weeks ago. At first I thought it had been accompanied by its owner but after the first stop it became quite clear he was on his own.

"He sat at the front of the bus, waited patiently for the next stop and then got off. It was was quite strange at first but now it just seems normal. I suppose he is the perfect passenger really - he sits quietly, minds his own business and then gets off."

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He's the "Fox thats watching the Hen House" :)

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much!

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much!
Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much!

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

In an Email..

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MURPHY'S LESSER-KNOWN LAWS

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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Originally Posted by GremlinSA

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

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Hey, that's me... but you know, if all the cars in the world were lined up like that, it would be perfectly safe to pass. :rolleyes:

I liked #13 and the cat story. :thumb:

$20

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On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and
asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30
years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new
clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her
husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he
explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age
of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near
what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty
years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then
she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were
worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the
largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged"
him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results
of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her
husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found
his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I
would have given you all my business!"







That's when she shot him.

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David, that was kind of a serious story for a joke! ;)

In that vein, attached are a few pictures of interesting car wrecks. Enjoy.

Well, I laughed when I read it. It was supposed to be a joke.

a realy Quirky Signature from another forum..

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People are more passionately opposed to fur coats than leather, because it is safer to harass rich women than bikers.

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An old Grandma is applying a job at petrol station. The attendant over there is testing her on her knowledge of cars.

"What is the 'F' for the fuel amount means", he asked her. She said "Finished".

The attendant is frustrated and asked her again, "If 'F' stands for finished, then what does 'E' stands for?"

She said "Enough."

PS: If you do not know, 'F' stands for 'Full' and 'E' stands for 'Empty'.

Substitute the bottle of your choice!

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Great Advice

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we
could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following the
simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner
peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to
finish
all the things you've started and never finished." So, I looked around
my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and
before
leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a
bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle
of
Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac
prescription,
the rest of the cheesecake, all of the Doritos and a box of
chocolates.

You have absolutely no idea how freaking good I feel right now! Dang,
that Dr. Phil is smart!

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Originally Posted by dglienna

Substitute the bottle of your choice!

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David ... This post has really been helpfull, I followed the advice, and i'd realy like to rate the post.. But there is nothing to click on.. Where can i rate this post ...

;)

No, need. Here are a few good ones, that were actual 911 calls:

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Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven .
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is.........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

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This is not a joke. Just share with you how we should tell jokes verbally.

When we tell jokes, we should avoid laughing uncontrollably before the telling is done.

Someone who does not laugh at all when telling his/her own jokes, is known as a cold face joker as in Chinese speak. I have a friend who never laughed at his own jokes when he was telling them. This technique known as the highest pinnacle of telling jokes in Chinese opinion.

Came across this posted at someone's desk: (not mine)

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The 10 signs that your co-worker is a hacker

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."

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Marrying a Computer Professional

Conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to
be a Software Engineer.

Husband: (Returning late from work )"Good Evening Dear, I'm now
logged in."

Wife : Have you brought the grocery?

Husband : Bad command or filename.

Wife : But I told you in the morning

Husband : Erroneous syntax. Abort?

Wife : What about my new T.V.?

Husband : Variable not found ...

Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some
shopping.

Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied...

Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just
being funny?

Husband : Too many parameters ...

Wife : It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.

Husband : Data type mismatch.

Wife : You are a useless nut.

Husband : It's by Default.

Wife : What about your Salary ?

Husband : File in use ... Try after some time.

Wife : What is my value in the family?

Husband : Unknown Virus

A captain is at sea and the watchman from the crow's nest above cries, "One enemy ship on the horizon captain."

The captain says to the first mate, "Bring me my red shirt."The first mate is curious about this but doesn't question the captain.

The two ships meet and a battle rages all day but the captain's crew wins.

The next day the first mate asks the captain, "Captain, why did you tell me to get you your red shirt when that enemy ship was seen?"

The captain responds by saying, "I knew that even if I got stabbed the crew wouldn't be able to notice and so they would keep on fighting."

The first mate acknowledges the wisdom of it and thinks no more of it.

A week later the watchman cries down from the crow's nest "Twenty enemy ships on the horizon captain."

The captain says to the first mate, "Bring me my brown pants."

A hot red convertible with an equally hot woman driver raced by as my husband and his friend stopped to stare. "Wow," sighed Rick. "Nice." "Yeah," agreed his buddy, transfixed. "What color was the car?" I asked. They answered simultaneously, "Blonde."

Courtesy: Reader's Digest.

Practically bounding into the advertising department of his newspaper, my husband announced the great news: "We've reached our ad sales target! I just sold the last spot."

"July?" another rep asked excitedly. "No," my husband gloated. "I didn't have to."

"Something funny happen at work? Tell us. If we publish it, we'll pay!

Courtesy: Reader's Digest.

Still groggy from an operation, the patient was in an agitated state. "Nurse," he moaned, "I heard the surgeon use a four-letter word, and it caused me great distress."

"What did the surgeon say?" asked the nurse.

"Oops."

Courtesy: Reader's Digest.

The king was traveling through the countryside. It was decreed that each town should ring the bells in the town bell tower when as the king passed through.

He gets to one town and there is total silence. The mayor of the town is called in to answer for this. The king says "I ordered that all the bells should be ringing. Why don't I hear bells?".

The mayor thinks a moment and says "There are three reasons why the bells aren't ringing here. The first reason is we don't have a bell. Would you like to hear the other two reasons?"

Captain Bravo !!!

One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate
ship, and the crew became frantic.

Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red velvet jacket."

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red velvet jacket,
and, after donning the jacket, the captain led his crew into
battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The
captain again howled for his red velvet jacket and once again
vanquished the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the
day's triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did
you call for your red velvet jacket before each battle?"

The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, my crew
won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of
their captain.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not
two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all
stared at the captain and awaited his usual request.

Captain Bravo calmly shouted,

"Bring me my brown trousers!"

The Lottery Email Scam.....

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Content-Type: text/plain
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit
Message-Id: <[email protected]>
Date: Sat, 23 Jun 2007 02:26:38 +0200 (CEST)


THE BRITISH LOTTERY
P O Box 1010 Liverpool, L70
1NL UNITED KINGDOM
(Customer's Service Center)
Ref Number: UK/9420X2/68
Batch Number: 074/05/ZY369
WINNING NOTIFICATION:

We happily announce to you the draw (#1004) of the UK LOTTERY online Sweepstakes
It is now available for claims and you are getting the final NOTIFICATION as regards this. Your e-mail address attached to ticket number:56475600545 188 with Serial number 5368/02 drew the lucky numbers: 10 14 26 28 33 38 23 Bonus Number 19, which subsequently won you the lottery in the 1st category i.e match 5 plus bonus.You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of £9,767,607(Nine million, seven hundred and sixty-seven thousand, six hundred and seven pounds sterling.For security reasons, you are advised to keep your winning information confidential till your claims is processed and your money remitted to you in whatever manner you deem fit to claim your prize.

MR. Fraser Watford
Email:[email protected]
Tel: +447011137117
Contact him by sending him with the under listed informations
1.Name.
2.Address.
3.Nationality.
4.Age.
5.Sex
6.Occupation.
7.Phone/Fax.
Sincerely,
Mr Fraser Watford
for UK NATIONAL LOTTERY.

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We got two identical mails to the same address within an hour...

I got that as well.

Next thing if you contact them, they'll probably ask for copies of your ID, bank account, ... and you'll understand the nice joke they are playing with you when your bank account ends up empty ! :D

A guy goes into a restaurant named Vinny's where the sign says
"Buffet. All you can eat $5.95". He sits down and tells the waiter "I'll have the buffet!". He goes through the line and fills his plate.
After finishing the first plate, he starts to get up and go for a second helping.

At that moment Vinny, who is a huge former professional wrestler, runs out of the office and stops him from going into the line again and says "That's all you can eat."

What kind of bee gives milk??

Boobeees.

Gotta love doctors

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A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with Purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of Tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined That the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for Immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
Table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green , and Above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the Surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's Dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name

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Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

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Boy, does that ring true sometimes!

Another sad but true tale:

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Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest whilst assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wetsuit, complete with a dive tank, flippers and face mask. A post mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal injuries.
Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast - some 20 kilometers away from the forest.
The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300m in the air. Apparently, he extinguished exactly 1.78m (5'10") of the fire.

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

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I came upon this in another forum.

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An Easy way to explain things to your Wife

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

The husband says, "What?"

The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen that night and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her Christmas shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she doesn't care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "But you don't even play tennis! Well, okay if you like it then let's get it. You deserve the best for Christmas."

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says, "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register." The husband stops and says, "No, honey I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey, I just want you to hold this stuff for a while."

The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode and the husband says, "You must be in tune with my financial needs as a man."

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http://media.santabanta.com//joke/visuals/8521.jpg

It was supposed to be a family magazine till they chose to publish this cover....

For All Beerholder

http://media.santabanta.com//joke/visuals/8520.jpg

How true!!!! Beauty lies in the eyes of Beer holder....

Ask a stupid question... get a stupid answer!

I have a dog and was buying a large bag of Dog Chow at Costco, standing in line to check out. The woman behind me asked if I had a dog. (Duh!)
On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although, I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in hospital the last time. But I'd lost 20 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my as and a car hit me.
I thought the guy standing behind her was going to need help as he staggered to the door laughing.

With a measly $1.43 left on my Blockbuster gift card, the only thing I could buy was a bag of candy. I was leaving the store when the cashier called out, "Have it back by Tuesday."


Courtesy: Reader's Digest

When our commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud during a war game, he pointed to some men lounging around and told them to help. "Sorry, sir," said one, "we've been classified dead." "OK," said the C.O. Turning to his driver, he ordered, "Throw those dead bodies under the wheels to give us traction."
Submitted by Catherine Mount

Courtesy: Reader's Digest

Working on a computer all day has definitely messed with my girlfriend's view of reality. We had just placed our lunch order, and as our waitress walked away, she slipped in a wet spot on the floor.

"How about that?" Amy observed dryly. "Our server is down."

-- Joseph Lassegard
Courtesy: Reader's Digest

Employee: Boss, can I have the day off tomorrow?

Boss: So you want a day off. Let’s take a look at what you are asking for: There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be damned if you are going to take that day off!

-- Tabitha Odom
Courtesy: Reader's Digest

My wife was attending an all-day job fair, so I was surprised when the phone rang and I heard her weary voice.

"Everything all right?" I asked.

"Yeah," she said. "I just wanted to talk to someone I didn't have to be nice to."

-- Eliezer Langer
Courtesy: Reader's Digest

My husband had been stationed in Europe and away from home for what seemed like years when I went for my annual gynecological checkup. My doctor asked the usual questions, including what I was using for birth control. I gave the only possible response I could: "The Atlantic Ocean."

-- Vicki L. Bailey
Courtesy: Reader's Digest

Everyone knows I'm a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to "decifer" them, I had to set him straight.

"Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f," I wrote. "In case you've forgotten, spell checker comes free with your Microsoft program."

A minute later came his reply: "Must be dephective."

-- Teresa Fisher
Courtesy: Reader's Digest

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college
graduation.
They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be
executed in the morning -
though none of them can remember what they did the night before.


The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is
asked if
she has any last words.
She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in
the
almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf Of the innocent."
They
throw the switch and nothing happens.


They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for
forgiveness,
and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
"I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the
power
of Justice
to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and
again, nothing happens.
Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and

release her.

The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says,
Well I'm from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree
in
Electrical Engineering,
and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you

don't plug this thing in.

- Yes, they went hiking in the mountain overthere, and I have never seen them again.
- That's terrific, what happened?
- They went down on the other side.