AAAh A joke(Lets share Jokes)

Beware, This joke made me cry...:cry::D


A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization...

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

so many in one day..? ahh i don't care, its funny..:D

Quote:

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> One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind
him,
>"My
> elbow hurts like ****. I guess I better see a doctor."
>
> "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
> "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just
give
>it
> a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what
to do
> about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a **** of a
lot
> cheaper than a doctor."
>
> So Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the
> drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and
asks
>for
> the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten
>seconds
> later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak
your
>arm
> in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two
weeks.
>
> That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob
>began
> wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water,
a
>stool
> sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter,
> and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
>
> Bob hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He
>deposits
> ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The
>computer
> prints the following:
>
> 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
> 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
> 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
> 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a
lawyer.
> 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get
> better.
>
>
> "Pleasure in the job puts perfection to the work......"

---

One day in the great forest a magical frog
was walking down to a water hole. This forest
was so big that the frog had never seen another
animal in all his life. By chance today a bear
was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.


The frog called for the two to stop. The frog
said, "Because you are the only two animals I
have seen, I will grant you both three wishes...Bear,
you go first." The bear thought for a minute,
and being the male he was said, "I wish for all
the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."


For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash
helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was
amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit wasting
his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well,
I wish that all the bears in the next forest
were female as well."

Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately
hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear
was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these
stupid things, after all, he could have asked
for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while
and then said, "I wish that all the bears in
the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and
said, "I wish that the bear was gay..."

:lol: Max ....wait a minute:.......oof...... it is so hard to stop myself.....all i can say is :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: : :lol:

God! how long is a milion years? God: it's about a minute!! man: and how much is a milion dollars?? God: for me it's a peny man: then can I have a peny? God: wait a minute!!!

Max :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb:

I donno if any of the following has been posted here early.



A new teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It
was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the
chalkboard.

Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom!" she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.

Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.
She quickly turns and asks,

"What's so funny, Billy?"

"Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!"

This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks." She says.

Embarrassed, she drops the eraser when she turns around, so she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out belly laugh from another male student.

She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where
do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

==============================
One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story that ends with a moral, so there's a lesson to be learned. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road. When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Little Lucy went next. My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched. Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

Next up was little Johnny. My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.

The teacher was completely shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. Well, Johnny replied, "Don't fight with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking!"
===========================
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "because the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking."

=======================================
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "Of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

====================================
Little Johnnie is sitting on the fence, watching a bull with two cows. The preacher walks up, and asks Johnnie what he is doing.

Johnnie replies, "I'm watching that bull f*ck the black cow."

The preacher, aghast at the language, tells Johnnie that he should say that the bull is going to SURPRISE the black cow.

Johnnie says, "OK." and the preacher leaves.

The next day, after church, the preacher is shaking hands with all the parishioners as they leave. When Johnnie appears with his parents, the preacher kneels down, smiles, and says, "So, Johnnie, did the bull SURPRISE the black cow?"

Johnnie replies, "He sure did! He f*cked the white one!"
===================================
At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."
====================================
Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games.

In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was the President of the United States."
==================================
Little Johnny got on a bus and sat down next to a man. He noticed that the man had a strange kind of shirt collar, so he asked him, "Excuse me, sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"

The man smiled kindly and answered, "I wear this collar because I am a father."

Little Johnny thought a second and responded, "Sir, I have a father, but he wears his collar the other way around. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"

The priest thought for a minute, and said, "I am the Father for many."

Little Johnny quickly answered, "My father, too, is the father of many. He has four sons, four daughters and many grandchildren. But he wears his collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear yours backwards?"

The priest, flustered, said impatiently, "I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people."

Little Johnny sat silently for a long time. As he got up to leave the bus, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."
===========================================

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Max Payne

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A- Boo) is not just an athlete....she is a nurse currently working at
the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.

She is not permitted to answer the telephone.because too much confusion when she would answer the phone and says,

Picabo, ICU.

---

:lol: Really, really funny!!

All the jokes you posted were funny. I give it all: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb:

A Male Blond Joke

A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten *******, "says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

:D:D:D:D:D

Max is on fire :thumb: :thumb: :thumb:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Max Payne

A Male Blond Joke

A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten *******, "says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

:D:D:D:D:D

---

Hahahaha:D This is hot! :thumb: :thumb: :thumb:

A gang decided to rob a bank, they opened every vault if found no money, only cups of yogurt they ate all yogurt, next day deadly news. "Biggest sperm bank robbed!" (yak!) :eek: :D

Max..you really give me Payne to my stomach...:D..

..hope this joke didn't upset anyone...
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
Virgin Brides

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Maxwell House". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Maxwell House jar. It said, "good, till the last drop". Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mon now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, she read from the B & H pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then, after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it shaky words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages, fearing the worst and finally and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways". :eek:

Mom fainted.

\\:p

Sick sad little world... :sick:

pic

Want some BEER!!

Quote:

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Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realised he had forgotten to bring any bait.

Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.

Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms.

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