AAAh A joke(Lets share Jokes)

Here, joke:

Quote:

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Sadly, Tony was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly.

One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up
three interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting, but at the end of the interview, Tony asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply.

Tony did not appreciate his honesty and threw him out of the office.


The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the
first guy. But he asked her the same question:
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears."

Tony again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. Mr Smith. He
was a young Australian man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart, he was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.

Tony was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
Much to his surprise, the young man answered,

"Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?"

Tony was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person.

"How in the world did you know that?", he asked.
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,

"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no bloody ears!!"

---

Married men should forget their mistakes; there's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
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Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else
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why is there braille on drive thru atm's
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I hate sex on tv, i keep falling of
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I do not suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
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Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them
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What do you do when a Blonde throughs a grenade at you? Duh!?! Take the pin out and through it back!
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If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they get Teflon to stick to the pan?
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You mama is sooo fat i tried to run around her and got lost.
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Children are for people who can't have pets
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How do you confuse a blonde? Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in a corner
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You say I'm a b*tch like its a bad thing
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When I die I want to go in my sleep like my Grand father did, not screming like the passengers in his car.
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why did the blonde jusp off the bridge? To see if her maxi pad with wings could fly!
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whats the difference between a blonde and a masquito? anser: when you slap a masqiuto it stops sucking
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when someone says CRAZY i yell back "Hey I am over here!"
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some people say i am crazy...but they have never seen me off my medication
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so what if i'm a psycho? there is no cure for being normal

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they
connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around
his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely
packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way
along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf
a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top
shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection
of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive,
but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually
is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each
other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive
guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow,
the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was
it?"

The guy says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom
shelf."

A programmer is walking on the sidewalk when he meets this gorgeous good looking woman. A little bit shy he approaches her and says:
"Excuse me miss, do you have an email account?"
"No, I don't," says the beautiful woman.
"Oh what a pitty," says the programmer upset. "I was hoping to exhange emails and get to know each other..."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by chmanish

I donno if any of the following has been posted here early.

....
....
====================================
Little Johnnie is sitting on the fence, watching a bull with two cows. The preacher walks up, and asks Johnnie what he is doing.

Johnnie replies, "I'm watching that bull f*ck the black cow."

The preacher, aghast at the language, tells Johnnie that he should say that the bull is going to SURPRISE the black cow.

Johnnie says, "OK." and the preacher leaves.

The next day, after church, the preacher is shaking hands with all the parishioners as they leave. When Johnnie appears with his parents, the preacher kneels down, smiles, and says, "So, Johnnie, did the bull SURPRISE the black cow?"

Johnnie replies, "He sure did! He f*cked the white one!"
...
...

---

Little Johnny also said the F word to the Santa you know...heres's the prove:D

//in all of the words begin with the letter F, 'that word' is the only one called 'the F word'

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The
monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on
the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the
beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He
proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after
mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ***.

10.We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take
this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12.The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the
Cherry".

13.The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub,
thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally...

14.Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at
St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven.
However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit
33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the
worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in
turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was
cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one
afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When
I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife
was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't
find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place
I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the ******* hanging from the edge, trying to get back
in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he
yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer,
and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors
screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the *******. He
landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the
kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and
hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed
him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went
back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then,
telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this
apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning
exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the
sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily,
I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and
holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when
this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and
started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but
he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull
myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my
fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I
landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of
luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous
refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and
crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken
bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a
refrigerator..."

US Naval Communications

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US
naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of
Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to
avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL
BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

FW: President Bush


After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive",
Osama himself decided to send George W
a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the
game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to
contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.

Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell.
Colin
and his aides had no clue either so they
sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then
to
MIT and NASA and the Secret Service.
Eventually they asked Britain's MI6 for help.

They cabled the White House: "Tell the President he is looking at the
message upside down."

Max, :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: !!

One day Johnny was walking by a tall building and what he was seeing completely dumb-founded him. He was watching this guy jump off a building, and at the last second, before hitting the ground, he slows down and lands on his feet. He continues doing this. Johnny, amazed at what he was seeing had to ask:

'Wow that was amazing!! How do you do that?'
'Well', replies the guy, 'Just before I hit the ground, I frantically flap my arms and then I just smooooothly land on my feet! There's nothing to it really. In fact you can do it if you *really* want to!'

Johnny asks: 'You mean I can jump off that building and make a smooth landing? Nah!! I'd splatter myself across the pavement!!'

'Just jump off the building and at the last moment, flap those arms as fast as you can and you'll land safely on your feet... nothing to it!! Just remember, flap those arms tho....'

Amazed, Johnny then walks upto the top of the building, looks over and gasps at the sheer height!!

'You sure about this?', asks Johnny.

'Sure!!', replies the guy. 'Just remember to flap those arms before you hit the ground, else someone gonna be cleaning you up of the pavement for a week!'

Johnny, reassured by this, takes a deep breath and goes for it... he flings himself off the building and the last moment flaps his arms with ALL the strength that his little body could muster.... SPLAT!!!! Johnny is dead!!


The guy seeing what has happened, starts to snigger, then a voice above shouts out, 'Gabriel!! You can be a complete bast*rd at times!!'

Quote:

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A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."



The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn it.., third gay rooster I bought this month."

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For Vaderman and vb_the_best: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb:
:lol: Hilarious!! :lol:

<HTML>
Teacher asks children:
- Children what kind of profession do you wnat to have when you grow up?
Michael:
- I want to be an astronaut!
Ann:
-I want to be a lawyer!
Vovochka:
- I want to be sexopathologist!
Teacher:
- Vovochka do you know who`s that?
Vovochka
- Yes, Do you see there on the street are two women. They are eating ice-cream. One byte it another lick`s. So which one is married?
Teacher:
- maybe that one which lick`s the ice-cream.
Vovochka:
- Wrong, that one who got ring on the finger, and those like you we will treating
</HTML>

what an embarrasing moment for a teacher... :D

:thumb::thumb::thumb: Max Rule!!! :thumb::thumb::thumb:
so sad can't give reputation to u at this thread