Not a joke but funny to watch.: (movie, for people with a good bandwith)
http://www.alldumb.com/item/11984/
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Not a joke but funny to watch.: (movie, for people with a good bandwith)
http://www.alldumb.com/item/11984/
And: http://www.ariel.com.au/jokes/The_Ev...rogrammer.html The Evolution of a Programmer
The First Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day,
their
passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they
made
passionate love all afternoon.
Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00
PM.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes
outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she
nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wif! e when he entered the
house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my
secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and
didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying *******!
You've
been playing golf!"
The Second Affair
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful
teenage
daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure
enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father
rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was
horrified to see the ugliest child he had ! ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a
stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
The Third Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine
the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As
he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he
made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he
had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you
off to be cremated with a tremendously huge unit like this. It has to be
saved for posterity."
With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's
scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home The first
person he showed it ! to was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and
opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my Gosh!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The Fourth Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she
quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a
statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room..
"Oh it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought
one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No
more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the
kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of
milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot
at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass
of water."
The Fifth Affair
A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and
asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu
and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and
a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man.
"4 cents," the bartender replied.
"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this
place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing that I'm doing to his
business."
Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms. Why, Dad ? Tell me why!"
Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different,
I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"
Girls & Windows ---- Boys & Linux
Girls and Windows
* Both have a great UI.
* Both consume large resources and do less work.
* Both crash unexpectedly.
* Both are not easily portable on different architectures (environment).
* Both can't work on low resource architectures (environment).
* Both are costly to maintain.
* Both give mostly unexpected outputs.
* Both's working often contradicts with their documentation.
* Both are easily prone to viruses (rumors and doubts) (and they (viruses) do spread very fast in windows based networks).
* In spite of all above disadvantages, both are liked.
Boys and Linux
* Both have an average UI.
* Both are robust.
* Both are highly secure.
* Both can be easily modified to support new concepts/features.
* Both are efficient.
* Both are easily portable to any architecture (environment) no matter how low are resources.
* You can easily guess the output for your input (in Linux just open its code, for boys they are mostly transparent by nature J).
* Both provide large support for development (work environment).
* Both are poorly documented.
very true:D :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Ejaz
I liked this one...:lol: :lol:
This was taken from http://www.gnu.org/fun/jokes/errno.2.html.
//------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the USENIX Association conference in Atlanta recently a contest was
held to invent the most humorous/bizarre/etc UN*X error message of the
errno(2) 'EERROR' type. This contest had been tried at an earlier European
Users Group meeting, where the winning entry was:
ENOTOBACCORead on an empty pipe
You get the idea. A partial [alphabetized] list of 'top(?)' entries from
Atlanta [and from several readers of hp.unix] follows; if your pun/wierdness
tolerance is low, you may want to abandon ship:
EBEFOREIInvalid syntax
ECHERNOBYLCore dumped
ECRAYProgram exited before being run
EDINGDONGThe daemon is dead
EFLATSystem needs tuning
EGEEKProgram written by inept Frat member
EIEIOHere-a-bug, there-a-bug, ....
EIUDMissing period
ELECTROLUXYour code could stand to be cleaned up
EMILYPOSTWrong fork
END.ARMS.CONTROLSilo overflow
ENOHORSEMount failed
ENONSEQUETORC program not derived from
main(){printf("Hello, world");}
EWATERGATEExtended tape gap
EWOKAliens sighted
EWOKYour code appears to have been stir-fried
EWOULDBNICE The feature you want has not been implemented yet
And finally, a sort-of 'period piece':
EMR.EDA host is a host,
From coast to coast
And nobody talks to a host that's close,
Unless the host that isn't close
Is busy, hung, or dead.
I would also like this new signal to be supported:
SIGNUKE Nuclear event occurred (cannot be caught or ignored :-)
======================================================================
Naim Abdullah
HTML Code:http://www.gnu.org/fun/jokes/dna.html
For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very
little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.
I have solved the mystery.
The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the
rest of it is comments.
Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as
follows:
===
/* HUMAN_DNA.H
*
* Human Genome
* Version 2.1
*
* (C) God
*/
/* Revision history:
*
* 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
* 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
* 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy --
* will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
* 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from
* elephant-dna.c
* 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
* 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
* 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
* 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made
* darker to match my own image.
* 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth.
* Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
* 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
* 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population
* density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
* 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of
* CD.
*/
/* Standard definitions
*/
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian
/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
*
* Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
* inheritance features.
*/
#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"
#infndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
#include "*******.h"
#endif
/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
*/
#include <sex.h>
/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
* library sometime soon.
*/
struct genitals
{
#ifdef MALE
Penis *jt;
#endif
/* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
Vagina *p;
#endif
}
/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
* Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
*/
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);
/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
*
* Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
* to display at birth.
*
* Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
*/
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
===
...and so on.
[ Note that God uses three-space tabs ]
--
got a nice one:
True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the loaddrawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
A green t-rex telling a raptor a maths joke (which wasnt funny) while he is crushing a house.
Oooooooh-kay I need to see a therapist... :o
I can understand why someone might not find it funny, but I didn't think it would be traumatizing. ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by Deniz
I think it belongs in the bad jokes thread. :mad: :thumbd:
Good one! I liked it. Heres another one:Quote:
Originally Posted by green T-Rex
Biologist, physicist and matematician are watching a building from outside. They see a couple getting inside, and after short while leaving the building with a baby.
Biologist said: 'They reproduced!'
Physicist said: 'No, its just measuring error'
And matematician said: 'One more person enters this building and there will be nobody inside'
I wonder who finds it funny. I couldnt stop laughing when I saw this joke, so i posted it here and not at 'bad jokes' thread
A man rings a journalist at his local newspaper:-
MAN: Hello - I'm the chairman of the National Paranoia Society.
JOURNALIST: Really?? We were just talking about you...!