:D:D:D
:thumb: Good one!! Good one!!
:wave:
Printable View
:D:D:D
:thumb: Good one!! Good one!!
:wave:
Celebrated this 19th. :)
Married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady 120km per
hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear
voice,
"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly
increases her speed to 130kph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out
of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best
friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more
tightly and slowly increases the speed to 145kpm.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
Up to 150 I want the car, too," he continues.
160kph.
"And," he says,"I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards
and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you
want?"
The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've
got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 170kph, the wife turns to
him and smiles.
"The airbag."
Posted before :)
Sorry :oQuote:
Originally Posted by Mathew Joy
If you've ever ran out of excuses not to turn up for work.......
I called my boss to tell him I was sick and wasn't coming in to work.
He asked what was wrong.
Told him I had anal-glaucoma.
That sounds serious, what is that?
Well I just can't see my *** coming to work today.
The most popular joke in CG....but still posting it anyway.
Quote:
Code not working??
Have one spoon holy water.
Don't know how to make??
Take some water in a pan.
Boil the H-E-L-L out of it. :D
A doctor told Jim that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.
Jim decided, "What the ****, I'll try it,"He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it.
He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.
He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
A voice said, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
Jim replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
"Well", said the cop, "you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
The inventor of Harley-Davidson Motorcycle Co. Arthur Davidson died, and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven. "
Arthur thought about it for a minute and said,
"I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognised Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarassed, but finally said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"
God said "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Clestial Supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention that yours."
Steve Irwin walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. He puts the croc up on the bar. He then turns to the astonished patrons and says: "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this croc's mouth and place my genitalia inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my genitalia unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured in unanimous approval. Steve stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, Irwin grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the croc hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and he removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. Steve stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up ...
"I'll try it! Just don't hit me too hard with the beer bottle."
Xeon, this is for you dude...:D:D
WHY SINGAPOREAN Girls CAN'T WIN MISS UNIVERSE TITLE
One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore
Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe
representative
were of tertiary level education or higher was because of
the following incident which occurred not too many years ago.
It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and
the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss
Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:
MC: The first question is name me an electrical
appliance starting with "L"
Miss USA: Lamp
Miss Malaysia: Light bulb
Miss Singapore: LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"
MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances; Now, name
me an animal starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lion
Miss Malaysia: Leopard
Miss Singapore: LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no!
MC: Your next chance. The name of a famous car that
starts with "L"
Miss USA: Lexus
Miss Malaysia: Lamborghini
Miss Singapore: Lolls-Loyce
Judge: Oh my God!
MC: I am going to give you one last chance! Name me a
fruit starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lemon
Miss Malaysia: Lychee
Miss Singapore, with full of confidence, smiles and
says: LIEWLIAN!!
This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the
board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should
really be disqualified ; and they decided that since Miss
Singapore was having so many problems with the letter "L",
they decided to give her another chance.
Judge: OK, the final question is : Name me a human
anatomy starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lung (applause)
Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)
Miss Singapore: LAN CIAU
The Judges fainted..!!!
Are you on fire? :eek:
nahh just something to cheer me up...:thumb::D
:eek: Max, what went wrong with you?Quote:
Originally Posted by Max Payne
I think so :rolleyes:Quote:
Originally Posted by Mathew Joy
I did not get "LIEWLIAN!!" & "LAN CIAU" :o