A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station ...
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A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station ...
That is pretty good :D
Life Before the Computer An application was for
employment A program was a TV show A cursor used
profanity A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a
bank account And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You
hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage Not something
you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in
public You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long
trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with
glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the
flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory
in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer
crash But when it happens they wish they were dead!
:thumb: ... Not bad at allQuote:
Originally Posted by YourSurrogateGod
Q: Do you serve shrimps in this restaurant?
A: Yes, we serve anybody. Have a seat, please.
Q: What is de difference between men and women when it comes to whishes?
A: Women want as much as possible but from the same man. Men want one single thing but from as many women as possible.
:thumb:
From the latest news reports:
"WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal
library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.
Presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had not
finished coloring the second one."
And now for some Microsoft (and other comptuer geek) ones...I think that this one was posted already... not sure.Quote:
A mechanic, chemical engineer and a computer programmer were carpooling to work when the car broke down.
The mechanic speculated it might be a problem with the engine.
The chemical engineer thought they should check the fluids.
The computer programmer suggested they all get out of the car and get back in again, then see if it works!
Quote:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected
child processing that took up a lot of space and
valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other
programs and now monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0,
Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run,
crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to
keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to
run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going
back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work
on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
The below one is probably my favorite of this entire bunch...Quote:
This is easy to see
happening, customer service being what it is.... Someone's Aunt died
this past January.
Citi Bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service
charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the
monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00...now it was somewhere
around $60.00 . I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections"
CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report
her to the credit bureau maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
CitiBank:"...excuse me?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her
being dead?"
CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor gets
on the phone)
Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
CitiBank: ".....(stammer)" ..... "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )
CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given. After they get the fax. )
CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death"
Me: "Oh..."
CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep
billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."
CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"
CitiBank: "That might help."
Me: "Nilai Memorial Park Cemetery (North South Highway and plot number
given.)
CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
Quote:
Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
I've heard that the below one appeared on sony.com, not sure though...Quote:
SCSI is *NOT* magic. There are *fundamental technical reasons*
why it is necessary to sacrifice a young goat to your SCSI chain
now and then.
- John Woods
Quote:
"This server has encountered an internal error which prevents it from fulfilling your request and there's not a darn thing you can do about it. The most likely cause is a misconfiguration, or the fact that this is all a plot by the government to drive you insane. Please ask the administrator to look for messages in the server's error log. His name is Mel. You can find his home phone number is listed in the code for this page. If a woman named Mabel answers for the love of God hang up!"
This is probably my second favorite one, not because of Microsoft bashing, but because of the quircky way it was put together.Quote:
"Three servers for the admins under the influence of rye,
seven routers for the network techs in their halls of stone
Nine workstations for mortal lusers doomed to die
One NT box from the dark lord on his throne
in the land of Redmond where the shadows lie
Enjoy you geeks :wave: (I know I have.)Quote:
One box to run them all, one box to blind them
one box to control them all and in the darkness grind them
from the land of Redmond where the shadows lie."
Ahhh..... the fine art of Bush-bashing :rolleyes: .Quote:
Originally Posted by dimm_coder
I KNEW IT!!!
Bill Gates is SAURON!!! :eek:
You're missing one part here. The correct line is:Quote:
A mechanic, chemical engineer and a computer programmer were carpooling to work when the car broke down.
The mechanic speculated it might be a problem with the engine.
The chemical engineer thought they should check the fluids.
The computer programmer suggested they all get out of the car and get back in again, then see if it works!
:D :D :pQuote:
The computer programmer suggested they close all windows, get out of the car and get back in again, then see if it works !
:shrug: Found it at a different site, found it funny the way it was... it still is.Quote:
Originally Posted by Elrond
Boss: John, why are you so late?
John: You told me yesterday to read the newspaper at home...
First Boss: Why are you're employees always on time at work?
Second Boss: It's simple. I have 30 employees and only 20 parking spaces.
I've worked for a guy who used to do that.Quote:
Originally Posted by cilu
Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the new baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad that he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he announced, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes."
"That's very nice of you," said the baby's mother.
"Can he see okay?" asked Little Johnny.
"Yes", replied the mother, "we are so thankful, the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be ****ed if he needed glasses."
Classic, but still funny ! :D :D
TALK BETWEEN IT GUY AND A LABOURER
IT guy - (Asks worker) What do you have?
Daily Wage Construction Worker - .......stays *quite*
IT guy - I have Money, Name, Stock Options What do
you have?
Daily Wage Construction Worker - (Softly) I have work.
:cool:
Friends of women:
A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband, the very next morning, that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over night. So the husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that.
Friends of men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night and another 5 are claiming that he is still with them.
The Programmers' Cheer
Shift to the left, shift to the right!
Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!
"Have you heard about the object-orieented way to become wealthy?"
"No..."
"Inheritance."
Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis?
Because it is below "C" level.
Hmmm...Quote:
Originally Posted by santoct2002
It seems the worker jus has taken his salary calculated with a buggy application made by that IT guy. :D
Last words of some people:
- It's not as it seems. She's just a collegue from office...
- Ha. This is just a toy gun.
- Over my dead body.
- Throw me that ax.
- If you push that button I die.
- Sharks! Sharks!
- You are fired!
- Fireworks look better this close.
- Look out. The tree is falling! No, no, the other way...
- I loke the way you cook mushrooms.
- I can hold my breath for five minutes under water if you want me to.
- I hope my wife is not at home.
Why are New Yorkers so depressed?
The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.
Cilu you forgot: "Watch this bro" (said by a guy driving a hotted-up car)
TO LOOSE WEIGHT...
The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he
would loose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem. "What's the problem?" asked the doctor. "I'm 2400 kms from home."
ANOTHER COUNT!
Our Sardar is walking down the street and sees a man jumping up and down on a manhole cover yelling "86, 86, 86". He asks the man, "Excuse me, but why are you jumping up and down on this manhole cover and yelling '86, 86, 86'?" The man says, "Well, I can't tell you that, but if you really want to know, I can let you go under there and find out. He thinks for a moment, then his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "Okay." The man lifts the manhole cover, He steps into the manhole, and the man puts the manhole cover back and starts jumping up and down on it yelling "87, 87, 87"...
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left.Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "To the kitchen."She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."
He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks
into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl
to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and
goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an
escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in
jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just
give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is
probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey.
"I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering
in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we
kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong,
honey. I love you too!"
The pocker game lasted all night.
"Get it over with it in our house," said the wife mad.
"Calm down, darling," he said. "What house?"
Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son.
Jack: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice"
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case..."
Next Jack approaches Bill Gates.
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case..."
Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case..."
This is how business is done!!
This idea came from my PRRV lesson ... :rolleyes:
There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday......Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
NASA engineers spent thousands of dollars and countless man hours developing the pen that writes in zero gravity.
Russian engineers used a pencil.
That has been posted already somewhere in this thread ;) .Quote:
Originally Posted by rockx
Funeral Procession
Quote:
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached thee woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two
women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
there was this man who takes his nephew for a gorrila Hunt
they take a gun, a rope(long enough), a stick and a Germon Shepered
when they leave the uncle tells the son " Hey son i have killed so many gorrilas till now, this is your first experience."
the son asks " what are all these things for."
Uncle "Well the stick is for me to kill the Goriila with, the Dgg will bite off the Genitles of the gorrila when it falls, and ul use to rope to tie up the beast."
Son "But the GUN?????????"
Uncle "well sometimes the gorila stays up there n i fall, if that happens, u shoot the Dog!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
A mate of mine, The Nickaz (or just Nick when he is sober and teaching his primary school kids - hense the lameness of the joke) claims he made this one up. I believe it - he's a funny guy and all, and hanging around kids all day tends to do this to people:
Q. Why is it so hard to find pain-killers in the jungle?
A. Cause the parrots-eat-em-all
http://www.boners.com/content/790689.1.jpg
The best warning message I have ever seen :thumb:
http://nata2.info/humor/pictures/tattoopic.jpg
http://img45.exs.cx/img45/6184/stickjuggle.gif
http://oracle9.net/funnypics/52.gif
http://www.ulala.karoo.net/word.jpg
http://igloo.its.unimelb.edu.au/funny/backup/19hole.jpg
http://www.div.ro/gallery/data/media/1/officebush.jpg
http://looser.com/albums/looser01/resistance.jpg
http://looser.com/albums/computers/joke07.jpg
http://looser.com/albums/SportAlbum/football.jpg
Nice :thumb: :thumb: :thumb:
I'm surprised that he wasn't shot where he stood when he posted the "Word" one...Quote:
Originally Posted by Shikamaru
http://www.levenez.com/unix/history.html
:eek: ... You could go crazy just by viewing it ...
thats not funny, thats useful.
But this is funny ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by s|lent
good one s|lent
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked,"What the heck is going on?"
The drunk, still staring down, replied:
"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."
An English professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
Punctuation is powerful.
Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in
waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht
frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl
mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do
not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl
approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play
house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."
"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I
have no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the
husband."
The following remarks are from the wash room of a university and the original author is still anonymus, but he explained the depth of C++ very briefly. If its not appropriate, then moderator can delte it.
C++ is like teenage sex
It is on everyone's mind all the time.
Everyone talks about it all the time.
Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it.
Almost no one is really doing it.
The few who are doing it are:
Doing it poorly.
Sure it will be better next time.
Not practicing it safely.
Everyone's bragging about their successes all the time, although very few have actually had any.
The University guy picked the quote from Pressman's Software Engineering book. The quotes had been used for Software Enginerring practices. This guy replaced it with C++.
a bus stops and two italian men get on. they sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. the lady sitting behind them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the
following: "emma come first. den i come. den two asses come together. i come
once-a-more. two asses, they come together again. i come again and pee
twice. then i come one lasta time." "you foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine,"
retorted the lady indignantly. "in this country, we don't speak aloud in
public places about our sex lives....... " "hey, coola down lady," said the
man. "who talkin' abouta sexa? i'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella
'mississippi'."