AAAh A joke(Lets share Jokes)

Apologies to those from the mentioned nations if this offends.


>>France Elevates its Security Level
>>
>>As many are aware, the French government recently announced a raise in

>>its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The normal level is
>>"General Arrogance", and the only two higher levels in France are
>>"Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent
>>fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
>>paralysing the country's military capability.
>>
>>It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert:
>>Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly"
>>to "Elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain,
>>"Ineffective combat operations" and "Change sides".
>>
>>The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdain" to "Dress
>>in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher
>>levels: "Invade a neighbour" and "Lose".
>>
>>Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone
>>from "Isolationism" to "Find another oil-rich nation for regime
>>change". Their remaining higher alert states are "Attack random
>>countries (ideally those without any credible military)"
>>and "Beg the British for help".
>>
>>The British are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings
>>and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon
>>though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even

>>"A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz
>>in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
>>re-categorized from "Tiresome"
>>to "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody
>>Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

Hey guys! Check this website out. Its not really a joke, but its about a ship named FLIP and it flips! :D

http://sio.ucsd.edu/voyager/flip/flip2.html

Deniz, that is so... British. That must have been written by a British. ;)

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on
display.

While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the
shopkeeper,

"I'll have a C monkey please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and
took out a monkey.He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, that'll
be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said,

"That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered,"Ah, that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs, well
worth the money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even
more expensive! $10,000!

What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey;

it can manage object- oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java.

All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey
in a cage of its own.

The price tag around its neck read $50,000.

He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the other
put together! What on earth does it do?" T he shopkeeper replied,
"Well, I haven't actually seen it doing anything, but the other
monkeys call him the project manager."

that was really funnyy:D:thumb:

A guy was driving from Mumbai to Pune and decided not to take the new

expressway as he wants to see the scenery. The inevitable happens and when

he reaches the ghats his car breaks down - he's stranded miles from

nowhere.

Having no choice he starts walking on the side of the road, hoping to get

a lift to the nearest town. It's dark and raining. And pretty soon he's

wet and shivering. The night rolls on and no car goes by, the rain is so

heavy he can hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he sees a car coming towards him. It slows and then stops next to

him - without thinking the guy opens the door and jumps in.

Seated in the back, he leans forward to thank the person who had saved him

- when he realizes there is nobody behind the wheel!!!

Even though there's no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine,

the car starts moving slowly. The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a

curve coming.

Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his life.

He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand

appears through the window and moves the wheel!

The car makes the curve safely and continues on the road to the next bend.

The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time

they are before a curve and moves the steering wheel just enough to get

the car around each bend.

Finally, the guy sees lights ahead. Gathering his courage he wrenches open

the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs as hard

as he can towards the lights. It's a small town.

He stumbles into a dhaba, and asks for a drink, and breaks down. Then he

starts talking about the horrible experience he's just been through.

There is dead silence in the dhaba when he stops talking ..... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

...and that's when Santa and Banta Singh walk into the dhaba. Santa points

and says "Look Banta - that's the weird guy who got into our car when we

were pushing it."

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral ike this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife." What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied "Join the queue."

Good One Ejaz :thumb:

Here's Another One

Ten Commandments for Stress Free Programming

1. Thou shalt not worry about bugs.
Bugs in your software are actually special features.

2. Thou shalt not fix abort conditions.
Your user has a better chance of winning state lottery than getting the same abort again.

3. Thou shalt not handle errors.
Error handing was meant for error prone people, neither you or your users are error prone.

4. Thou shalt not restrict users.
Don't do any editing, let the user input anything, anywhere, anytime. That is being very user friendly.

5. Thou shalt not optimize.
Your users are very thankful to get the information, they don't worry about speed and efficiency.

6.Thou shalt not provide help.
If your users can not figure out themselves how to use your software than they are too dumb to deserve the benefits of your software anyway.

7. Thou shalt not document.
Documentation only comes in handy for making future modifications. You made the software perfect the first time, it will never need modifications.

8. Thou shalt not hurry.
Only the cute and the mighty should get the program by deadline.

9. Thou shalt not revise.
Your interpretation of specs was right, you know the users' requirements better than them.

10. Thou shalt not share.
If other programmers needed some of your code, they should have written it themselves.

I couldn't sit and read all 1000+ posts so i hope this isn't in here...

Quote:

---

Things to do at boring party's
Speak in a strange foreign accent. when someone asks where you are from, name a country only you can pronounce.

Use a different accent every time you talk to someone new.

When getting food, pile everything onto your plate in heaping servings - make sure to use your hands!

Turn cartwheels across the floor. If you can turn a back flip, all the better!

Bring a novel and curl up in a corner with it.

Cough all over guests, then exclaim, "Doctor says a few more years and I'll be cured..."

Hang your head and whisper one-word answers to questions.

Play a lullaby on a kazoo during a speech (singing a lullaby works okay, too)

If there is music, mix up your dancing: break dance to classical, symphony conductor hand waves to techno music.

If you find your former dancing partner dancing with someone else, burst into tears, wailing "I thought you loved me!", and run from the room.

Tell a middle-aged wife, "Your husband seems very happy with that girl in the closet..."

Tell a middle aged man, "Your wife seems very happy with that boy in the closet..."

Whisper to the guest on your right, "What kind of lame moron actually goes to these parties, anyway?"

Bring Lego warships and fighter jets. Wage a war in the middle of the room. Urge other guests to get involved. If you are a historical expert, reenact the revolutionary war, the civil war, world war two, etc.

Bring a soccer ball, basketball, football, or baseball. Start a game... in the kitchen.

Karate chop everywhere and everything. Yell really, really loud. A few sudden kicks would be worthwhile as well.

Wear wool or feathers and sneeze all night. "The doctor says I'm not allergic to anything except sheep and birds..."

If someone says the word no to you, say, "How dare you turn down the prince / princess of Ugranialo!"

Burst into the room an hour late, sopping wet and screaming, "I've done it! I've found Atlantis!"

Pick out the oldest women at the party, run up to her, and exclaim, "Grandmother! it's me, Anastasia!"

If it is a summer party in the evening, break into a duet with another guest: "Summer nights". Persuade the host to sing "You're the one that I want" with you.

Come in saying, the guy outside in the lab coat is looking for (insert name of host)

---

Enjoy..... :D

an email i received, i hope u enjoy it :D

20 ways to maintain your insanity:
>>>
>>>1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on
>>>and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
>>>
>>>2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise
>>>your voice.
>>>
>>>3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if
>>>they want fries with that.
>>>
>>>4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in".
>>>
>>>5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once
>>>everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions,
>>>switch to espresso.
>>>
>>>6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for
>>>sexual favors".
>>>
>>>7. Finish all your sentences with; "in accordance with
>>>the prophecy.."
>>>
>>>8. Don't use any punctuation.
>>>
>>>9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
>>>
>>>10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically
>>>after they answer.
>>>
>>>11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
>>>
>>>12. Sing along at the opera.
>>>
>>>13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems
>>>don't rhyme.
>>>
>>>14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and
>>>play tropical sounds all day.
>>>
>>>15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't
>>>attend their party because you're not in the mood.
>>>
>>>16. Have your
>>>co-workers address you by your wrestling
>>>name, rock-hard.
>>>
>>>17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I
>>>won!"
>>>
>>>18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the
>>>parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
>>>
>>>19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the
>>>economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

:wave:

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