AAAh A joke(Lets share Jokes)

Dont look at the program syntax and other issues:

Code:

---

#include<STD ISD PCO.h>
#include<love.h>
#define ITEM beautiful_lady   

main()
{
    goto college;
    scanf("100%",&ladies);

    if(lady == ITEM)
        line++;
    while( !reply )
    {
 
        printf("I Love U");   
                                   
      scanf("100%",&reply);
    }

    if(reply == "SCOLDS")       
        main();  /* go back and repeat the process */
   
else if(reply ==  "SANDAL ")     
      exit(1);               
                 

 
    else if(reply == "I Love U")     
    {
        lover = MAAL;     
        love = (heart*)malloc(sizeof(lover));
    }

    goto restaurant;

    restaurant:
    {
        food++;
        smile++;
        pay->money = lover->money;
        return(college);
    }
 
    if(time==2.30)
    goto cinema;
     
    cinema:
    {
        watch++;
          touch++ ; 
      if(intermission)
        {
        coke++;
        smoke++;
     
        }
    }

    if(time == 6.00)
    goto park;

    park:
    {
        for(time=6.30;time<=8.30;time+=0.001)
            kiss = kiss+1;   
    }

    free(lover);
    return(home);
 
    if(time ==9.30)
      goto pub;
 
    pub:
    {
      friends++;
      party++;
      booze++;     
    smoke++;   
     
      if(pub.close())     
      {
        pay->bill();
        come->out();
      }
    }
 
  if (highly->intoxicated)
        goto friendsroom;
  else
  {
      sweetpan++;
      polo++;
      goto home;
  }

  friendsroom:
  {
      goto sleep;
  }
 
  home:
  {
      if(mom.shouts())
      {
        reason=(combinedstudy || projectwork || friendsbday);
        say->reason;   
      }
      if(dad.shouts())
              shut->yourmouth();

      call->lover();
      if(phone->voice==(lover_dad->voice || lover_mom->voice))
      {
          hang++;
      }
      else if(phone->voice==lover->voice)
      {
        for(time=12:30;time<=1.30;time+=0.001)
        {
        say->ILuvU;
        scanf("100%",&reply); /* "I Love U" already stored in reply */
        }
      }
      goto sleep;
    }

  sleep:
  {
      *(dream)=love;   
  }
}

---

................

Quote:

---

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a VERY cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

---

IRISH CONFESSION

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads"

I translated the following from russian, so a bit was lost, maybe there is native english variant?

Quote:

---

!___________no
&!_________and no!
!,!&!________no, no and no!
.___________period.
!&._________no and period!
=___________same
*___________all
~*__________not all
*=__________all the same
~*=?________isn't it all the same?
*>&>_______all more and more
#___________precisely
!#__________approximately
!#*_________almost all
$?__________have money?
>!__________no more
#!?_________really haven't?
!4u_________not for you
&?_________and what?
&!?________and nothing!

---

Not a joke - but a curiosity....

Why is it that when scientists tell us there are 400 billion stars in the known universe, we automatically take their word for it - BUT......

whenever you see a sign saying 'WET PAINT' you always have to touch the paint, just to make sure....???

Another curiousity is that the number of predicted stars goes up with every new prediction. Due to laws of probability it is increasingly more likely that one of those stars has a wet paint sign on it, and some one would still probably touch it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Joe Nellis

Another curiousity is that the number of predicted stars goes up with every new prediction. Due to laws of probability it is increasingly more likely that one of those stars has a wet paint sign on it, and some one would still probably touch it.

---

of all the known planets that have been explored to a reasonable extent, 100% of them do indeed have a "wet paint" sign on them. From this we can then assume that 100% of unknown or unexplored planets also have "wet paint" signs. So your theory, based on my extensive sample data, holds true.

Theory of cats: a cat has 9 tails.
Demo: no cat has 8 tails. No cat has one tail more than the others, thus a cat has 9 tails.
Q.E.D.

In a beautiful summer's day, two tourists were driving through Wales.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogh they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress, "Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said, "burrr-gurrr-king."

Dam* you Deniz. I just spit diet coke up on my keyboard!

:d :d :d :d :d

Code:

---

DON'T KNOW, HOW MANY OF THIS IS POSTED EARLIER IN THIS THREAD ! IF REPEATED PLEASE "IGNORE/SKIP/ABORT" !!

//joke 1:

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter
showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds
and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months
enjoying the amenities of Heaven.

One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when
he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get
it?"

"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these
when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion
on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred
acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."

"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.

"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the
Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked
off to find St.Peter.

Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met,
saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're
showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of
the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does
he deserve better??!!!!"

"Yes, coz the Titanic only
crashed once." replied Peter, "and we use windows .shall we need to tell how many times does it crashes?"
 
//joke 2:
 
When Bill Gates dies...

"Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or ****! After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that infernal Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at **** first?"

"Sure!" said Bill.

"Let's go!" Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, lying in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect!!

Bill said, "This is great! If this is ****, I can't wait to see Heaven!"

To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as ****. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would like to go to ****."

"As you desire," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How ya doing,' Bill?" asked God.

Bill responded with anguish and despair. "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh, THAT!" said God.

"That was the screen saver !"

//joke 3:
 
Here's one :

GATES GOES TO **** :

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
 
 
//joke4:

Customer Support>>

Customer: (angrily) "You said I would get 98 windows with this computer. Where are they?"
 
 
joke5:
//
Is Windows a virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:

1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that, too.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So, Windows is not a virus
 
 
//joke6:

>> > Laura died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter
>> >at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
>> > She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
>> > St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
>> >lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
>> > "Oh," said Laura, "Who's clock is that?"
>> > "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that
she
>> >never told a lie."
>> > "Whose clock is that?"
>> > "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice,
>>telling
>> >
>> >us that Abraham only told 2 lies in his entire life."
>> > Laura asked, "Where's my George's clock?"
>> > "George"s clock is in my office", replied St.Peter,
>> > "I'm using it as a ceiling fan."
 
//joke 7:
 
Husband: (Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I`m now logged in."
Wife???: Have you brought the grocery?
Husband: Bad command or filename.
Wife???: But I told you in the morning!
Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife???: What about my new TV?
Husband: Variable not found ...
Wife???: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied...
Wife???: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband: Too many parameters...
Wife???: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband: Data type mismatch.
Wife???: You are useless.
Husband: It`s by Default.
Wife???: What about your Salary?
Husband: File in use ... Try later.
Wife???: What is my value in the family.
Husband: Unknown Virus

---

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,
"Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into the water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.

You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.

Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

There is a good old barber. One day a florist goes to him
for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber
replies: 'I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a
Community Service'. Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next
morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank You Card

and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A Confectioner goes for a
haircut and he also goes to pay the barber he again refuses to take the
money. The Confectioner is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning

when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a
dozen Cakes waiting at his door.

A Software Engineer goes for a haircut
and he also goes to pay the barber again refuses ! the money saying that

it was a community service. The next morning when the Barber goes to
open his shop, guess what he finds there......
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> > A Dozen Software engineers waiting for a free haircut... with
> > printouts of forwarded mail mentioning about free haircut.

hahahaaaaa

what a useless sign...

a perfect keyboard for designed men... :D

Try to catch the rabbit

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Computer Typed Women:

• Virus woman: she installs in your apartment when you less expect it; if you try to get rid of her you lose some things; if you don’t you lose everything.
• Internet woman: you must pay to have access to her
• Server woman: she’s always busy when you need her
• Windows woman: you know she has many flaws, but you can’t live without her
• Macintosh woman: appealing, flawless, pretty expensive, but not very compatible with others; only 5% of men know the pleasure of having one
• PowerPoint woman: ideal for showing with her at parties, business dinners, etc.
• Excel woman: knows a lot of things but you only use her for the basic function
• Word woman: always full of surprises, and there’s no one in the world to fully understand her
• DOS woman: everyone had her some time ago, no one wants her now
• Scandisk woman: we know she’s good and wants to help, but no one actually knows what she’s doing
• Screensaver woman: doesn’t do any good, but she amuses you
• User woman: never does anything good, but always asks you something

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a genie appears. The genie says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each."

So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries." *Pfufffff* ...and he was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." *Pfufffff* ...and he was also gone.

The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch."


Lesson - "Always allow the boss to speak first." :D

In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency. Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations. Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast. Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity.

Here's what the paragraph means: Be brief and don't use big words.:lol: :D :lol:

Q: What does a blonde when she forget how to remove last "installed" wallpaper?
A: See THIS LINK.

>> On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the
>> following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a
>> shipwreck:
>>
>> 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
>>
>> 2 French men and 1 French woman
>>
>> 2 German men and 1 German woman
>>
>> 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
>>
>> 2 English men and 1 English woman
>>
>> 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
>>
>> 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
>>
>> 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
>>
>> 2 American men and 1 American woman
>>
>> 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
>>
>> One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in
>> the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
>>
>> One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
>>
>> The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
>> menage-a-trois.
>>
>> The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits
>> with the German woman.
>>
>> The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
>> cleaning and cooking for them.
>>
>> The 2 Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean, and another
>> long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
>>
>> The 2 Japanese men have faxed Tokyo, and are awaiting instructions.
>>
>> The 2 Chinese men have set up a herbal pharmacy, a take-away and a
>> laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for
>> their enterprises.
>>
>> The 2 American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the
>> American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true
>> nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity
>> of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm
>> trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion
>> and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother
>> is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
>>
>> The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
>> woman.
>>
>> The 2 Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up
>> a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it
>> gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky and
>> beating the **** out of each other. But they're happy because at least
>> the English aren't having any fun.
>>

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled
with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
"There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?".

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, a British and a French, Who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared.

Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to be, then your wish will come true."

The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted
"WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.

Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted," VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool!

The last is the British. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, ****!!!!!!!........."


Lesson - Think twice before you say something, because sometimes what you say accidentally does happen.

// The **** word was S--T ... but maybe you already know that. :D

Once upon a time three people were stranded out at sea - A Japanese, a Malaysian and an Indonesian. The boat started leaking and if they do not act fast they would all die.

The Japanese (as usual) was the first to take the initiative. He threw all his Japanese gizmo - CD player, hi-fi, radio etc. off the boat. The Malaysian and the Indonesian looked at him in disbelief.
The Japanese said, "Don't worry.. still got a lot more in my country.. BANZAIIIEE!"

But the boat was still sinking. The Indonesian without hesitation started throwing aboard all his baju batik, kain batik, keretek, etc., etc. He comforted the other two, "Don't worry.. still have a lot more in my country, paknya".

But still the boat was sinking. The Japanese and the Indonesian looked at the Malaysian. Suddenly, without any hesitation and with stride, the Malaysian threw the Indonesian overboard. The poor guy couldn't swim and drowned. The Japanese was shocked. Said the Malaysian, "Don't worry... still got a lot more in MY country!!!".

We have the same joke here in Australia where the Aussie throws a New Zealander overboard.

It seems that's an international joke you got there :thumb: :D Anyways..

There was a Filipino International English class and the teacher started of the day saying "class were going to learn how to Deduct, defense, defeat and detail in a sentence" all of a sudden Roland jumps out of his seat raising his hand, "I know! I know!" The duck jumped over the fence, first the feat then the tail. :D

GOD's NAME Our good friend Eduardo died, ascended to the stairway to heaven and met St. Peter at the Pearly gates. Welcome to heaven Eduardo greets St. Peter. Before I let you in you will have to tell me first what is God's name. Eduardo think and think.....now he regrets it because he never go to church when He was still alive. Luckily, when He used to be in the first grade, they used to pray before class during those times. He started remembering the Lord's prayer and started mumbling the prayer hoping to get a clue. He then started...... Our father, Howard in heaven, Howard be your name.....then He suddenly turned to St. Peter and said, God's name is HOWARD! :D

THE GOOD AND BAD NEWS

A man walks into the doctor's office and the doctor says, "I've got some good news and some bad news." "Tell me the good news first," the patient says. "The good news is that your penis is going to be two inches longer and an inch wider," the doctor replies. "That's great!" says the patient. "What's the bad news?" The doctor says, "It's malignant!"

:thumb: :D

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Deniz

We have the same joke here in Australia where the Aussie throws a New Zealander overboard.

---

And in America it's a businessman tossing a lawyer. ;)

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent,excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.

"I just need one copy."


Lesson - Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything. :D

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by NatThoelecke

And in America it's a businessman tossing a lawyer. ;)

---

Ah, the lawyers... I reckon thats funnier than tossing any nationailty as lawers know no nationality. Toss'em all!

//2 of our company directors & 1 contractor for us are lawyers :eek:

I don't get it, whats so funny tossing a lawyer?? :confused:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Max Payne

I don't get it, whats so funny tossing a lawyer?? :confused:

---

Coz lawyers are known for their... uhm... i dunno if this is the right word: "corrupt" ways. Ofcourse, not all of them. But they can twist the truth especially when defending their criminal clients. And they do it for the money. :D (Again, not all of them).

/Hope that explains it.. even a lil bit.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by che_rish

Coz lawyers are known for their... uhm... i dunno if this is the right word: "corrupt" ways. Ofcourse, not all of them. But they can twist the truth especially when defending their criminal clients. And they do it for the money. :D (Again, not all of them).

/Hope that explains it.. even a lil bit.

---

hmmm I cee.... lawyers..:sick: haaa

/if you have seen "Devil's Advocate", you won't dare toss a lawyer, he's the Devil !! :D

Q. What is the difference between a dead dog in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
A. The dog has skid marks in front of it.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery.

Q. What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?
A. Not enough sand.

Q. Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers?
A. New Jersey had first choice.

Q. Why have scientists begun to use lawyers instead of lab rats for research?
* Lawyers are more plentiful.
* They are easier to train.
* Researchers don't get attached to them.
* There are some things a rat won't do.

Q. What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A. Terrorists have sympathizers.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Max Payne

/if you have seen "Devil's Advocate", you won't dare toss a lawyer, he's the Devil !! :D

---

Hmmm. I thought, the Devil (Al Pacino) was the Advocate's (Keanu Reeves) client?? :confused: :D

Definition from dictionary.com:

Quote:

---

Main Entry: 1ad·vo·cate
Pronunciation: 'ad-v&-k&t, -"kAt
Function: noun
Etymology: Latin advocatus adviser to a party in a lawsuit, counselor, from past participle of advocare to summon, employ as counsel, from ad to + vocare to call
1 : a person (as a lawyer) who works and argues in support of another's cause esp. in court
2 : a person or group that defends or maintains a cause or proposal <a consumer advocate>

---

/No, i haven't seen the whole film. I was able to catch the last scene when it was aired on TV... i think... when, Keanu and Charlize was in the elevator?? Im not so sure about "elevator" thing, but I do remember Al Pacino laughing in... the end. :D

Keanu Reeves was the lawyer, and he himself is the son of the devil (Al Pacino)..

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Max Payne

Keanu Reeves was the lawyer, and he himself is the son of the devil (Al Pacino)..

---

:eek: You mean, Keanu Reeve's is also Al Pacino's son??
:confused: Ohhh, okay. I should see that film then, so that i'll understand it. :D

yeah, you should see it, expcially the "hot" part..:p

/hate to say this : don't you wanna see Keanu's "back side", you'll get that in this film.. :p:sick::D

George W bush goes to ****

One day in the future, George W Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to ****, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list,but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in ****.

"No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No,
I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was
Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Element : Woman
Symbol : Wo
Discoverer : Adam Edenwarden
Atomic mass : Accepted as 53.6 kg; isotopes vary from 40 - 200 kg
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered with thin painted film
2. Boils at room Temperature
3. Freezes without any known reason
4. Melts if given special treatment
5. Bitter if incorrectly used
6. Found in various states, ranging from metals to common ore
7. Ductile
8. Yields to pressure applied at correct points
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Have great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones
and absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
2. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known
reason
3. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation
in alcohol
4. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation
3. Very effective cleaning agent
TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when happy
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen
POTENTIAL HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to posses more than one, although several can be maintained
at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct
contact with each other
!!! WARNING !!!
PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE FINANCIAL
HEMORRHAGING AND MENTAL DISTRESS. BE CAUTIOUS !
NOTE:
New properties are still being discovered. Please wait for updates.
If you have found some properties not listed above, please advise us.

Found a similar joke on the web: ;) :p

http://www.jokemaster.com/jokes/gmen01.htm

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
-Henny Youngman
----------------------------------------------------------

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we
met.
-Rodney Dangerfield
-----------------------------------------------------------

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's
wrong.
-Milton Berle
------------------------------------------------------------

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,
"There was
water in the carburetor."
I asked her, "Where's the car?"
She replied,” In the lake."
-Henny Youngman
--------------------------------------------------------------

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-Henny Youngman
-----------------------------------------------------------------

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You
know, I
was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and

didn't notice."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

When a man steals your wife, there is no better
revenge than
to let him keep her.
---------------------------------------------------------------

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't
like to
interrupt her.
----------------------------------------------------------

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I
got myself two girlfriends.
---------------------------------------------------------

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided
not to
report it since the thief was spending much less than
his wife did.
-------------------------------------------------------

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is
finished.
----------------------------------------------------------

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does
it cost
to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still
paying."
----------------------------------------------------------

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of
Africa, a
Man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
---------------------------------------------------------

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real

happiness was until I got married; then it was too
late.
------------------------------ ----------------------------

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."
--------------------------------------------------------

A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a
millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the
friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,
----------------------------------------------------------

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over
experience.
----------------------------------------------------------

It's not true that married men live longer than single
men.
It only seems longer.
----------------------------------------------------------

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was
almost
impossible.
------------------------------------------------------

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through
life Thinking they had no faults at all.
----------------
-----------------------------------------
A successful man is one who makes more money than his
wife
can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such
a man.
----------------------------------------------------------

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask
for
whatever he wants,
but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
The man thinks for a moment and says,” Okay, give me a
million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
---------------------------------------------------------

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for
marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
----------------------------------------------------------

The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is
to forget it once.
----------------------------------------------------------

Hi Mathew,


Just curious to know whether u r married :rolleyes:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by chmanish

Hi Mathew,


Just curious to know whether u r married :rolleyes:

---

Well, at present no...BTW my posts are meant to be jokes...not exactly my views...mine are almost the opposite :)

:wave:

Here's another

If u TREAT her nicely, she says u are IN LOVE with her;
If u Don't, she says u are PROUD.
If u DRESS Nicely, she says u are trying to LURE her;
If u Don't, she says u don't dress properly.
If u ARGUE with her, she says u are STUBBORN;
If u keep QUIET,! she says u have no BRAINS.
If u are SMARTER than her, she'll lose FACE;
If she's Smarter than u, she is GREAT.
If u don't Love her, she tries to POSSESS u;
If u Love her, she will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?)
If u tell her your PROBLEM, she says u are TROUBLESOME;
If u don't, she says that u don't TRUST her.
If u SCOLD her, u are like a CHACHA to her;
If she SCOLDS u, it is because she CARES for u.
If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;
If she BREAKS hers, she is FORCED to do so.
If u SMOKE, u are BAD BOY;
If she SMOKES, she is a GENTLELADY.
If u do WELL in your exams, she says it's LUCK;
If she does WELL, it's BRAINS.
If u HURT her, u are CRUEL;
If she HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE!!
& sooo hard to please!!!!!


If u tell this to girls, they will swear that it's not true.......
but if u don't, they say u are selfish.....
The moral of the story is.......TELL THIS TO GIRLS OUT THERE ANYWAY...
Tell it to boys also, gives them some laughter ...

See the baby?

******** :D :D :D ********