Now and Then (Bird Flu)
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Now and Then (Bird Flu)
Lifestyle
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
I got this email last week, but opened it just now...
This is pretty good....
Computer Humor [Fact or Fiction?]
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three
kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes
an aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum
wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in
the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you
when to start and where to report on your first day."
Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer
nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to
a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an
e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his
wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb.
crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy
corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the
tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more
that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with
several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.
By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into
the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he
acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but
before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left
their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is
buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community
college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and
employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice
trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the
boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless
and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a
million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.
Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new
circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order
to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer
and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't
have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if
you'd had all of that five years ago!"
"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be
sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour." .. . . . .
Which brings us to the moral of the story: Since you got this story by
e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.
Sadly, I received it also.
:D
Hypothetical situation where 20 executives board an airplane and are
told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to
feature pilotless technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft.
Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's
software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of
the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of
excuse.
One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed.Asked
why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies: "If
it's the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane
won't even take off."
This is called Confidence in your own product
I never got this in Email and now also I am reading it on this Forum so that means I am closer to being a millionare. :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Cherish
...and that makes you my next best friend :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Shuja Ali
Here is another one...
Code:One politician, One thief & One Programmer died & went straight to hell.
Politician said "I miss my country. I want to call my country and see
how everybody is doing there."
She called and talked for about 5 minutes,
then she asked "Well, devil how much do I need to pay for the call????
The devil says "Five million dollars".
The Politician wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.
Thief was so jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I wanna call to
my group
members, I want to see how everybody is doing there too"
He called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he asked "Well, devil
how much do I need to pay for the call????
The devil says "Ten million dollars".
With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on
his chair.
Programmer was even more jealous & starts screaming, "I want to call my
IT friends too",
He called other IT person and he talked for twenty hours about various
technologies and Project Managers, he talked & talked & talked, then
he
asked "Well, devil how much do I need to pay for the call????
The devil says "Twenty dollars".
Programmer is stunned & says "Twenty dollars??? Only ??"
Devil says
"Calling hell to hell is local"
Give me your email address so I can send it to you. :p :DQuote:
Originally Posted by ShujaAli
I don't want to become a Janitor. :DQuote:
Originally Posted by cherish
LOL. :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Shuja Ali
I knew that I'd hear about it if I posted an retort to that, so I didn't.
The joke is too obvious...
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says... "He should have quit while he was a head!"
BOOM TISH! :p
Hehehehe. That is just wrong. Good, anyways, though. :) :thumb:
Thats a very sad story...:cry:
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp ... between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeepers heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you mean a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute bwown wabbit over there?"
She in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees and says, in a tiny, quiet voice, "I don't think mt pet python weally gives a thit."
LOL. I guess people who wants to use that word here at the forums, should type it in lisp. http://forums.codeguru.com/