AAAh A joke(Lets share Jokes)

I have yet to get arrested, I just find it funny seeing some tools doing crazy stuff(just as long as my stuff is OK) and then get caught, next day, they're all about the "A mistake was made....", "What I did was stupid and selfish....", "I am disgusted by my previous behavior...." and so on. But by then they're probably looking at a case of losing their housing(definitely), suspension(highly likely) or expulsion(that's a 50/50). Whereas I just sit tight and browse through the <word for a section of a newspaper where arrests of different people are listed, which I forgot because I have been too long in Regensburg>.

Again dead :confused:

Arrrggghhh...Trying again to raise :mad: (the dead of-course)

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Good Boss
When I take a long time, I am slow. When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough. When I don't do it, I am lazy. When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy. When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart. When my boss does the same, that is initiative. When I please my boss, I am as*-kissing. When my boss pleases his boss, he is co-operating. I do good, my boss never remembers. When I do wrong, he never forgets

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:mad:

Only me:confused:

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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?""No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"¡¡

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I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"

"Oh no," I replied, "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?"

I said, "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked.

"No I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or act sexually promiscuous?"

"No," I said, "I've never done any of those things."

He look at me and said, "Then why in the world do you want to live to be 80?"

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A blonde was knitting while driving. A patrol car drove alongside her and the cop hollered out, "Pull over!"

She yelled back, "No! It`s a scarf!"

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:D

Finally someone had some humor

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Little Johny at his best

TEACHER: Why are you late?
L-JOHNY: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
L-JOHNY: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

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TEACHER: Johny, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
L-JOHNY: You told me to do it without using tables!

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TEACHER: Johny, how do you spell "crocodile"?
L-JOHNY: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
L-JOHNY: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!

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TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
L-JOHNY: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
L-JOHNY: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

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TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, Johny, who discovered America?
L-JOHNY: George!

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TEACHER: Johny, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
L-JOHNY: Me!

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TEACHER: Johny, why do you always get so dirty?
L-JOHNY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

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L-JOHNY: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me To write?
L-JOHNY: Your name on this report card.

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TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
L-JOHNY: Don't bite any.

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TEACHER: Johny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
L-JOHNY: I is...
TEACHER: No, Johny. Always say, "I am."
L-JOHNY: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

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Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
L-Johnny : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday sametime."

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Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you now why his father didn't punish him?"
L-Johnny : "Because George still had the axe in his hand."

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L-Johnny : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
L-Johnny : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?

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Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!
L-Johnny: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.

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Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
L-Johnny: Brotherly love.

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Teacher: Now, Johny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
L-Johnny : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

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Teacher: Johny, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
L-Johnny: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

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Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
L-Johnny : A teacher

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Gynecologist: A person who finds problem where others find pleasure.

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:D

No Dwarf Nuns Anywhere

The Seven Dwarfs went to the Vatican, and got ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey led the pack.

"Dopey, my son," said the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asked, "Excuse me, Your Eminence, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkled his brow at the odd question, thought for a moment and answered, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background the dwarfs started giggling.

Dopey turned around and gave them a fiery stare, silencing them.

Dopey turned back to the Pope. "Your Holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled again, answered, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."

This time, all the dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Dopey turned around and silenced them all with an angry stare.

Dopey turned back to the Pope and said, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?"

The Pope answered, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapsed into a heap, rolling and laughing, tears running down their cheeks as they began chanting: "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"

:D:D

:D

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There's a new potentially harful virus doing the rounds.. Even the most
advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.

It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1950.

Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."

It's called the "C-NILE VIRUS."

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I wonder how I can get patches for that wirus?

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Originally posted by YourSurrogateGod
I wonder how I can get patches for that wirus?

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A_YOUNGER_WIFE :cool:

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Originally posted by Mick
Only been arrested twice...didn't have to fill out a thing...:D

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You're a real naughty boy aren't ya mick...

What did u get done for? Drunk'n'disorderly?

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Answer:

Princess Diana's death.

Question:

How come?

Answer:

An English princess

with an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel,

driving a German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian who was drunk

on Scottish whiskey,

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles,

treated by an American doctor,

using Brazilian medicines!


And this is sent to you by an Indian,

using Bill Gates' technology,

and you're probably reading this on one of the IBM clones,

that use Taiwanese-made chips,

and a Korean-made monitor,

assembled by Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by lorries driven by Indians,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

trucked by Mexican illegals,

and finally sold to you by an Israeli.


That, my friend, is Globalization!

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:D :D :D

:p