AAAh A joke(Lets share Jokes)

[Hobson]

What is a mistress....

I've been told its halfway between a mister and a mattress. Is that about right...?

Your definition is quite correct. If everything is happening in correct order, mister comes first, mistress is second and there should me a mattress at the end.

[Ajay Vijay]

-----====[Something to Wonder About]====-----

1. If all the nations in the world are in debt ( I am not joking. even US
has got debts), where did all the money go? (Weird)

2. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (To be
given a thought)

3. What is the speed of darkness? (Absurd)

4. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (Very good
thinking)

5. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (Who knows)

6. Can you cry under water? (Let me try)

7. Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just
sit around all day? (I think they meant something else)

8. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows)

9. Do fish ever get thirsty? (Let me ask and tell)

10. Can you get cornered in a round room? (By ones eyes)

11. What does OK actually mean? (OK, I don't know)

12. Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (Tonight I
will stay and watch)

13. What came first, the fruit or the color orange? (Seed)

14. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? (No comments)

15. What should one call a male ladybird? (No comments)

16. If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they
remember that they forgot? (Can somebody help)

17. Can you blow a balloon up under water? (Yes u can)

18. Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (Strange isn't it)

19. If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your
radio would you be able to hear it? (Got to think scientifically)

20. If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens? (I don't have a change to try)

21. Why is it called a TV set when there's only one? (Very nice)

22. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down
to the core of the earth? (This is nice)

23. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when
you legally can't go that fast on any road? (Stupid, break the law)

[olivthill]

I liked these questions, and also the brazillion joke.

Q: Do you have to wait for three hours after lunch before going to swin, even if your meal was a fish?

Q: How many months have 28 days?
Don't say only February.

Q: What was the name of the president twenty years ago?
A: The same as it is today, because he did not change his name.

[John E]

Some Top Tips!!

DON'T waste money on an expensive iPod. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song and hum that one instead.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it later

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'ya know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the applications into the bin.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending $50 to yourself through the mail.

SHOES last twice as long if you only wear them every other day.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. Chances are you'll never see it again.

BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn, shout loudly and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the trunk or under a seat.

PREVENT burglars from stealing everything in your house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', Simply shout 'Help!' This will save money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your mobile phone whilst driving. Simply pop the phone inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

[Mathew Joy]

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the applications into the bin.

The pick of tips

[mrRee]

Yes, but can you scientifically proove that dogs exist?

[edit: sorry to all the people who had no idea why I was referring to buying scientific proof of the existence of dogs if they read this earlier... See MrRee quoting me below for more info]

heheh...I didn't noticed that you had an edit version....

if you like to spell "dog" backward...then I used reverse logic...
just reverse the word "dog" and use opposite of "didn't exist"...then substitute them into the texts...see what you'll get....

anyway:
"I divorced my husband, a veterinarian...he knows nothing except dawgy stuyl.."

"I divorced my husband, a mathematician...he knows nothing except 69.."

"I divorced my husband, a programmer...he know nothing except pr0n.."

[Deniz]

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The
first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks.

Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I
can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!"
They both continue drinking.

Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" "St. Mary's,"
replied the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to
St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time, in co! mes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?"
he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."

[Mathew Joy]

Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market.

One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table and fell in the river. Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his childhood (the woodcutter and the axe), he started praying to the River Goddess.

The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers. The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river.

As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a matchbox and asked, "Is this your computer?" Disappointed by the Goddess' lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, "No." She next showed him a pocket-sized calculator and asked if that was his. Annoyed, the engineer said "No, not at all!!" Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his. The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said, "Yes."

The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was about to give him all three items, but before she could make the offer, the engineer asked her, "Don't you know that you're supposed to show me some better computers before bringing up my own?"

The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, "I know that, you stupid donkey! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the Billennium, the latest computers from IBM!". So saying, she disappeared with the Pentium!!

Moral: If you're not up-to-date with technology trends, its better keep your mouth shut and let people think you're a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

[Mathew Joy]

1. What do you put in a toaster?














Answer: "bread."

If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else.Try not to hurt yourself.

If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.




















2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?




















Answer: Cows drink water.

If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain
is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you
need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate, such
as Children's World."

If you said "water," proceed to Question 3.




















3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue house is made
from blue bricks, and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black
house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?





















Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.

If you said, "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing reading
these questions?????

If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.




















4. Twenty years ago, a plane was flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If
you recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines
failed. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also
failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the third
engine fails before he has time to attempt an emergency landing, and
the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East
Germany and West Germany.

Where would you bury the survivors? . . . in East Germany or West
Germany or in "no man's land"?




















Answer: You don't, Of course, bury survivors.

If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real .........!!! and you must
NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not
be appreciated.

If you said, "Don't bury the survivors," proceed to the next question.




















5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute how
many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?




















Answer: One degree.

If you said, "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree," you are
to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of
your league. Turn in your pencil, and exit the room.


Everyone else proceed to the final question.




















6. Without using a calculator -- You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus,and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.

What was the name of the bus driver?




















Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember?

It was YOU!!

[cilu]

Napoleon at Waterloo sees something on the horizon.
"Quickly, the ocular" he demands to a soldier.
The soldier replys:
"Mon Dieu, vous parlez en Anglais"!

[Yves M]

lol cilu, that one is funny and unexpected

[Deniz]

Napoleon at Waterloo sees something on the horizon.
"Quickly, the ocular" he demands to a soldier.
The soldier replys:
"Mon Dieu, vous parlez en Anglais"!

I don't get it...

[Yves M]

The soldier answers in french: "My God! You are speaking English!"

[Hobson]

ROTFL, brazilian and french jokes made me laughing a lot...

[Yves M]

A gentleman is a person who knows how to play bagpipes and who doesn't play them.