AAAh A joke(Lets share Jokes)

[Mathew Joy]

One politician, One thief & One Programmer died & went straight to h e l l.
Politician said "I miss my country. I want to call my country and
see how everybody is doing there." She called and talked for about
5 minutes, then she asked "Well, devil how much do I need to pay
for the call???? The devil says "Five million dollars".

The Politician wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.

Thief was so jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I wanna call
the my group members, I want to see how everybody is doing there
too"

He called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he asked "Well, devil
how much do I need to pay for the call????

The devil says "Ten million dollars".
With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back
on his chair.

Programmer was even more jealous & starts screaming, "I want to call
my IT friends too",

He called other IT person and he talked for twenty hours about
various technologies and Project Managers, he talked & talked &
talked, then he asked "Well, devil how much do I need to pay for
the call????

The devil says "Twenty dollars".

Programmer is stunned & says "Twenty dollars??? Only ??"

Devil says


"Calling h e l l to h e l l is local"



Now Get Back to h e l l again !!!

[scorpionking]

Vampire bat
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as **** didn't!"

[Pinky98]

HAHA... I like that one.

[cilu]

Q: How do you know what a bat has fainted?
A: It keeps its head up (and legs down).

[Deniz]

The soldier answers in french: "My God! You are speaking English!"

Heh heh that is funny... Thanks for the translation.

[HanneSThEGreaT]

Shoot me if this one has been posted already!

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long,
Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a
leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having
lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down
to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the
leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was
one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more
around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike,
a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearl y had
me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it
for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees
him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that
something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard,
spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says,
"Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that
conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on
his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of
running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending
she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get
close enough to hear, the old poodlesays:
"Where's that **** monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to
bring me another leopard!"

[cilu]

Moscow. The soviet era. One day an announcement appears in a central newspaper:

"We announce that comrade Gagarin was given a car".

The second day, same newspaper, there comes the disclaimer:

"Concerning the yesterday announcement, it was actually about comrade Popov, not comrade Gagarin, a byke, not a car, and it was stolen not given to him."

[HanneSThEGreaT]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a



surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was

to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, I'm off. The man should be

here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer

rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam.

I've come to......"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,"

Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! My specialty is

babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a

seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

Photographer - "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the

bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the

living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!"

Wife - "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry

and me."

Photographer - "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every

time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or

seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

Wife - "My, my, that's a lot of ."

Photographer - "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time.

I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed

with that, I'm sure."

Wife (muttering)- "Don't I know it,"

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his

baby pictures.

Photographer - "This was done on the top of a bus.

"Wife - "Oh my god!!"

Photographer - "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, When you

consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

Wife - "She was difficult ?"

Photographer - "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the

park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and

five deep, pushing to get a good look.

"Wife - "Four and five deep?" (eyes widened in amazement)

Photographer - "Yes, and for more than three hours, too. The mother was

constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then

darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the

squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Wife (leaning forward) - "You mean they actually chewed on your

um...equipment ?"

Photographer - "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up

my tripod so that we can get to work"

Wife - "Tripod??

Photographer - "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.

It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?...

Good Lord, she's fainted!!

[Vaderman]

roflmao @ that!! Brilliant!!

[Shuja Ali]

Hillarious...

[ovidiucucu]

..........

Dear Husband,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been *ell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.

You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

Your EX-Wife

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.

But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.

I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed Rich As *ell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother, was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

[cilu]

That's hillarious...

[Sabin_33]

A friend of mine sent me this :

A truck driver hauling a tractor trailer filled with computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door reading, "Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter at Your Own Risk."

He enters the bar and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs him, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says okay, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and now they are in season.

"You don't even need a license," he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. Remembering what had happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."


"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "but you can't bait 'em."

[Pinky98]

Please post jokes in the General Discussion forum. Thanks

[Sabin_33]

Oops... Somebody will move it