AAAh A joke(Lets share Jokes)

[dglienna]

Well, I laughed when I read it. It was supposed to be a joke.

[GremlinSA]

a realy Quirky Signature from another forum..

People are more passionately opposed to fur coats than leather, because it is safer to harass rich women than bikers.

[CBasicNet]

An old Grandma is applying a job at petrol station. The attendant over there is testing her on her knowledge of cars.

"What is the 'F' for the fuel amount means", he asked her. She said "Finished".

The attendant is frustrated and asked her again, "If 'F' stands for finished, then what does 'E' stands for?"

She said "Enough."

PS: If you do not know, 'F' stands for 'Full' and 'E' stands for 'Empty'.

[dglienna]

Substitute the bottle of your choice!

Great Advice

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we
could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following the
simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner
peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to
finish
all the things you've started and never finished." So, I looked around
my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and
before
leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a
bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle
of
Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac
prescription,
the rest of the cheesecake, all of the Doritos and a box of
chocolates.

You have absolutely no idea how freaking good I feel right now! Dang,
that Dr. Phil is smart!

[GremlinSA]

Substitute the bottle of your choice!

David ... This post has really been helpfull, I followed the advice, and i'd realy like to rate the post.. But there is nothing to click on.. Where can i rate this post ...

[dglienna]

No, need. Here are a few good ones, that were actual 911 calls:

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven .
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is.........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

[CBasicNet]

This is not a joke. Just share with you how we should tell jokes verbally.

When we tell jokes, we should avoid laughing uncontrollably before the telling is done.

Someone who does not laugh at all when telling his/her own jokes, is known as a cold face joker as in Chinese speak. I have a friend who never laughed at his own jokes when he was telling them. This technique known as the highest pinnacle of telling jokes in Chinese opinion.

[dglienna]

Came across this posted at someone's desk: (not mine)

The 10 signs that your co-worker is a hacker

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."

[Sarevok]

Marrying a Computer Professional

Conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to
be a Software Engineer.

Husband: (Returning late from work )"Good Evening Dear, I'm now
logged in."

Wife : Have you brought the grocery?

Husband : Bad command or filename.

Wife : But I told you in the morning

Husband : Erroneous syntax. Abort?

Wife : What about my new T.V.?

Husband : Variable not found ...

Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some
shopping.

Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied...

Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just
being funny?

Husband : Too many parameters ...

Wife : It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.

Husband : Data type mismatch.

Wife : You are a useless nut.

Husband : It's by Default.

Wife : What about your Salary ?

Husband : File in use ... Try after some time.

Wife : What is my value in the family?

Husband : Unknown Virus

[Sabin_33]

A captain is at sea and the watchman from the crow's nest above cries, "One enemy ship on the horizon captain."

The captain says to the first mate, "Bring me my red shirt."The first mate is curious about this but doesn't question the captain.

The two ships meet and a battle rages all day but the captain's crew wins.

The next day the first mate asks the captain, "Captain, why did you tell me to get you your red shirt when that enemy ship was seen?"

The captain responds by saying, "I knew that even if I got stabbed the crew wouldn't be able to notice and so they would keep on fighting."

The first mate acknowledges the wisdom of it and thinks no more of it.

A week later the watchman cries down from the crow's nest "Twenty enemy ships on the horizon captain."

The captain says to the first mate, "Bring me my brown pants."

[The Saint]

A hot red convertible with an equally hot woman driver raced by as my husband and his friend stopped to stare. "Wow," sighed Rick. "Nice." "Yeah," agreed his buddy, transfixed. "What color was the car?" I asked. They answered simultaneously, "Blonde."

Courtesy: Reader's Digest.

[The Saint]

Practically bounding into the advertising department of his newspaper, my husband announced the great news: "We've reached our ad sales target! I just sold the last spot."

"July?" another rep asked excitedly. "No," my husband gloated. "I didn't have to."

"Something funny happen at work? Tell us. If we publish it, we'll pay!

Courtesy: Reader's Digest.

[The Saint]

Still groggy from an operation, the patient was in an agitated state. "Nurse," he moaned, "I heard the surgeon use a four-letter word, and it caused me great distress."

"What did the surgeon say?" asked the nurse.

"Oops."

Courtesy: Reader's Digest.

[Tom Frohman]

The king was traveling through the countryside. It was decreed that each town should ring the bells in the town bell tower when as the king passed through.

He gets to one town and there is total silence. The mayor of the town is called in to answer for this. The king says "I ordered that all the bells should be ringing. Why don't I hear bells?".

The mayor thinks a moment and says "There are three reasons why the bells aren't ringing here. The first reason is we don't have a bell. Would you like to hear the other two reasons?"

[usman999_1]

Captain Bravo !!!

One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate
ship, and the crew became frantic.

Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red velvet jacket."

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red velvet jacket,
and, after donning the jacket, the captain led his crew into
battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The
captain again howled for his red velvet jacket and once again
vanquished the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the
day's triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did
you call for your red velvet jacket before each battle?"

The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, my crew
won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of
their captain.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not
two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all
stared at the captain and awaited his usual request.

Captain Bravo calmly shouted,

"Bring me my brown trousers!"